MoxieLife

My One Word for 2013

Since 2008 our family has been choosing a theme and we may still, but I have also been choosing words for myself. Sometimes those words have great meaning all year or they fade out. This year the word FOCUS just kept sticking into my mind. I am easily distracted sometimes. By people, ideas, opportunities, moods, etc and this year, instead, I want to focus.

I want to focus writing.

I want to focus on design.

I want to focus on taking better photos.

I want to focus on meditation.

I want to focus on doing embroidery as my one craft.

I want to focus on health and fitness.

I want to focus on quality time with friends.

I want to focus on my relationship with my husband.

I want to focus on diving deeply into simple living.

I want to focus on doing good work.

It seems like a lot to focus on, but really they are all things I want to bring attention to in my life. Not to get all new agey, but I truly believe where we spend our time is where we see success. It is a pretty simple formula. 

I am considering doing the one little word project, or going it alone. Either way I am excited to bring focus into my life this year and see where it takes me.

Do you have a word for your coming year?

Photo taken at the AMAZING Therapon party organized by Evolved Mommy.

 

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The Top 12 of 2012 Here at Moxie

It looks like I wrote over 200 blog posts this year - not bad. When I was going through them I realized that what I write about, mostly, is the heart. You might even call in Inspiration writing if it were catagorized in a book store. Funny, I never set out to write like that, but it is what flows through me.

Here were the best (according to me and what gets read the most) of 2012:

Embracing Y'all - I lucked out. I ventured out of California into the Mid-South and was able to slip into Y'all country. A friendly place where everyone is greeted on the same playing field, where it doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man - at least in the greeting!

My 5 Step Change/Disappointment Practice or How to Breathe Into Change - How do I work with change? How do I learn to relax into life instead of holding on to it with a death grip like a triple upside down roller coaster? How do I not get shaken and stirred by every wrong turn and bump I hit along the way?

Valuing Friends - And when those crappy moments happened I realized that I couldn't just call up my friends and whine.

Not Getting Swept Up in Anger - We all get angry. I experience it just like a fever - it rises in me until my ears are throbbing. It is as if an alien has entered my body and is taking hold and then just as soon as that happens it can vanish (that is one tricky alien.)  

Not Defending Mine - Today I have been thinking about the need to respond, defend, or say something. Do we really need to? All of the time?

What I Know About Controlling Other People - Lately, I have been thinking a lot about our need/desire to control other people. Our spouse, friends, volunteers, family, employees, etc. We all have the feeling underneath that we want people to do things a certain way. We want them to march in line - our line, to our rhythm, to our drummer. 

Shirking My Responsibility - Sometimes I want to shirk my responsibility. I want to lay it all down and give up. It seems like too much. It is on those kinds of days that I remember to just do the simple things.

Broken and Filled - My heart is broken by the loss but filled with the outpouring of love. It is with shock and dismay that I come to grips with the fact that my sister has died.

Giving Each Other A Little Grace - What if we were to act with kindness and compassion - clarity and integrity with every interaction. 

I Found My Tribe - I have, for years, been looking for my tribe. Women who are similar to me, who are interested in living open full lives, you are moving forward and creating community.

Free Presidential Debate Bingo Cards - It's that time of year! Debate season! For those of us who are sadly so geeky that watching the debate is what we consider a hot date with our sweetie I made these little bingo cards!

Why I Share - Lately, I have been thinking a lot about why I keep this personal blog up and running.

 

 

 

My Latest Real Simple Magazine Tip

I was so excited to get the Tweet from Sarah asking if this was indeed my tip they had printed in the latest issue of Real Simple magazine. Well, there aren't many Jacqueline Wolven's, by golly! We actually have Christmas lights under our cabinets... and they are a pretty effect, especially when the dishes are done!

Goodbye Zooey and Mindy

Shut up. Just shut up! Your whining, complaining, yelling selves have caused me to decide to give you both up. That's right. I am dropping my two favorite girls just like I dropped Lauren Graham in Parenthood. I do not need to watch contrived arguments on TV. If I wanted made up drama I could yell at my husband about some trivial matter and make up all on my own. In fact, it might be more fun and have longer lasting benefits.

Seriously, who thinks good TV is comprised of young women, who are extremely funny on their own, diving into stupid arguments about nothing with people who are supposed to be their friends, family or potential sleeping partners? That isn't good TV, that is the annoying neighbor at a table at the local cafe that you want to move away from or the girl in high school who picked fights with her boyfriend everyday to feel like he liked her more. Terrible lunch and flawed logic.

Sure, I was into the New Girl last season because I liked the quirky smart character that Zooey Deschanel had brought to life, she was making geeky cool. Unfortunately, this season they decided that arguing with her room mate would make great television. Oh, and the fact that she feels compelled to have mindless sex - not that I care about mindless sex, but that isn't the character she built. I digress though, it is the constant arguing that makes my husband slink out of the room and me to cringe. It isn't fun to watch friends fight so why would I want to do that by watching actors do it?

I was willing to watch The Mindy Project because I like Mindy Kaling from the Office and I enjoyed her biography, but she is taking her obscene love of 80's romantic comedies to life, but without the charm of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Instead, she has decided that arguing with a co-worker who is, of course, a potential love interest later is how we should enjoy watching her life come to the small screen. No thanks. Again, cringe worthy.

So, I just got by Tuesday nights back to do something else. Thanks, ladies and good luck with that arguing.

 

Why I Share

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about why I keep this personal blog up and running. Last night I was talking to my husband about the mammogram that I had earlier in the day and I said I shared I was going here and on Facebook and Twitter to normalize the experience for everyone. We all go through things that are challenging, exciting, frustrating and lovely. When we share those experiences, those stories, we allow others to see and feel that whatever they are experiencing is part of the fabric of being human. Our moments, good and bad, are woven together to make who we are.

Now, I won't be dishonest that it has gotten me into hot water. When I first started blogging I was fired from a job because they said I blogged about looking for lots of opportunities (granted, that was the excuse, but whatever), my blog was copied and pasted into email and sent to my entire church congregation with commentary from one member (humiliated to the biggest degree and one reason I don't go any more), my blog was printed verbatim in the Arkansas Democrat Gazette without acknowledgement of my identity to humiliate me and my opinions by a columnist.

So, why keep doing it? Because I believe that ultimately we are better when we share our stories with honesty and integrity. We are better when we own up to our crap. We are better when we live a life of courage and authenticity. And that means sharing.

Now, I live in a very small town, by choice. I don't blog much about where I live, the people in it or the stories I hear. I don't want to become a local gossip rag. I also don't want to misinterpret other peoples experience and, honestly, I want to protect myself from some of the mean behaviour I have seen in my 10 years here. That said, I know folks read it, and that is fine. If I wrote it out on the world wide web it really isn't a secret.

I grew up in a family that didn't have a lot of secrets from each other, but I was ashamed and afraid to tell everyone about the chaos that was happening in my home. Hell, I couldn't even process what all of that was, much less share it with anyone. So I felt, for a long time, that I couldn't tell anyone about the real stuff that was happening. I had to pretend it was all ok. Well, let me tell you, that makes you crazier because when the house come crumbling down around you and you are still trying to dust the shelves, well that's crazy. Plus, I found that my experiences weren't very different then other peoples. They had mental illness in their families, people died, people divorced, family members had addiction issues, depression runs rampant throughout most families, kids aren't perfect, jobs don't work out - whatever it is, well, we all share those moments and if someone tells you their story, wraps you in their blanket for a moment, then maybe your life isn't so bad.

So, I share. I share the mundane, the good, the bad, the silly and the sad. I live a life of open door and open hearts. That may make me open to being hurt, but I would rather live like that then bar the doors and live a scared life. I'm not perfect, but I am trying every single day to do good work. I'll be sharing it here, and I hope you share your life too.

Photo: Saskatchewan Storytellers

I Found My Tribe at #AWBU

This past weekend I had the rare opportunity to join a group of blogging women from Arkansas at the 2nd Annual Arkansas Women Bloggers Unplugged conference. At first I was hesitant to go because I didn't really get it, or feel like I fit in. My world view can be a bit different than some of my states ladies. Plus, don't we all fret about fitting in?

But I went.

And lord my heart broke open in a way that I didn't think possible. I have, for years, been looking for my tribe. Women who are similar to me, who are interested in living open full lives, you are moving forward and creating community. I was jealous of the women online I follow who gather at beautiful locations to revel in each others awesomeness. I don't need to be jealous. I found that for myself at #AWBU.

I can't write about it all because it is still stirring in my heart, but I want to share some snippets of how this awareness that I had found home happened.

When I walked in I was handed an apron with my blog name embroidered on it. That level of thoughtfulness is unparalleled in conferences. They looked at my blog, they thought about the color, they did it just for me. I could have cried right on the spot.

Then, that evening, Mary, the park interperter for Ozark Folk Center, told two beautiful stories about women and herself. She is a pro, but more importantly she gathers and shares her stories and stories of other women, honoring them. It was at that moment that I realized that is why I blog in the first place - to share my story. I read your blogs because I want to know your story.

Then we heard from a panel about the heroines journey and telling your story authentically. Author, Kyran Pittman shared, "My business is putting it out there. It's not how many read it, but how it resonates and is recieved." We were given collective permission to tell our stories, told that they matter.

Finally, on the last day the workshop I attended was about what kind of blogger you might be and I realized I blog to inspire. I share to find a common voice and to lift up the human experience. That is the thread between both my personal writing here and the work I do in the world. It informs every decision I make and yet I forget often. To Inspire - that is my goal, but also to honor everyones story.

Sometimes you have to move 2000 miles away from your home to the middle of nowhere to find your tribe. I am so glad I took that leap 10 years ago and then again last weekend. It feels like home.

The Grief Process

Yesterday I wrote about how I have learned from each loss in my life - death does that, you just have to learn from it. I also went to dinner with a dear friend who I just adore and we were talking about how other people deal with loss. Mostly, not so great. For instance we know someone who is diving into the bar scene rather than feeling the pain - because, really it hurts so much. Another person I know, because of life circumstances, just got busy - really busy - and didn't start realizing they had lost someone important to them until months later. So I thought I would elaborate on how I am giving myself the tender care I need. Disclaimer, this is what is working for me - today - it may not be a good fit for you, but I thought I would share anyway.

• Quiet Time Alone: I am, as I have with every death, experiencing the shock that happens when you remember that someone died and you can't believe it is true. This is happening for me at 3 or 4 in the morning, lucky me! We all have periods of wakefulness in our sleep, but I am waking up and remembering and not being able to go back to sleep. I am just too upset. (This is starting to fade after a week.) I just get up. I shower, nermal around the house, write, sit and just experience what it is like to not have my sister/dad/mom/friend in my life. I feel it. I cry. I allow myself to be sad.
• Explaining: When my mom and dad died I didn't talk about how much I was suffering. I just got busy and bucked up. Isn't that the American way? I was cranky, tired, and sad all by myself. This time I am sharing with my husband and close friends what is happening. So they understand the strange behavior.
• Eating Right: I am not overeating and I am not under-eating. In fact, I am using MyFitnessPal.com to track my eating to make sure I am covering my basis. If you are prone to not eating during a crisis or you are a binge eater the tool is extremely helpful to gauge what you nutrition is.
• Commitments: I am meeting my commitments, but I am not taking on more things right now. I get asked to participate in a lot of events, meetings, etc. And right now I am not adding new things to the calendar. There are already a lot of things scheduled. I just want to make sure I am making those happen.
• Friends: I am making time to be with friends on a one on one basis. Just short visits to make sure I am not isolating myself.
• Not Losing Myself: Well it is not question that I am not losing myself to drinking or drugs, but I am also not watching countless hours of TV, online for hours and hours, even reading is cut back a bit so I am dealing with the now and not getting lost in the fantasy.
• Exercise: I haven't gotten back on an exercise schedule, but that is happening next week. I need to move and not remain stiff. I can feel the aches and pains of not moving much in the last week and now I know my body is telling me to get up.
• Writing: I am writing on my blogs, on paper and letters. All things take reflection and focus - important component to not lose site of what is happening, but reflecting on it in a tangible way. Also the process lets the raw emotion get out without causing harm.
• Giving Space: I am also giving my nieces, daughter, brother in law and husband the space they need to grieve. Not forcing my will on what I want. I believe that their process, whatever it is, is valid and real, I don't need to force my way on anyone. I care more about the after relationship; I want those to last a lifetime.

There are no easy ways out of grief, but over the years these are the skills I have developed to cope. The communication and self care has been vital to making the moment count and assimilate into my mind - something that after dealing with it in other ways seems to be feeling right.

Tender Grieving Process

Each time we lose someone in our life we have the opportunity to try to handle the loss better. We get to see what worked for us, learn from that experience and try new things that aid in the healing of our heart and mind. Of course, every loss is different, but the stages of grieving often don't change. They may feel bigger with the loss of some and not so much with others, but they still are worked through.

The Seven Stages of Grief:

1. Shock & Denial - you can't believe it happened.
2. Pain & Guilt - you start to think about what could have been different and the pain is felt fully in the body and mind. You have to be careful that you don't try to mask it with being too busy, drugs, alcohol, work, etc.
3. Anger & Bargaining - you are angry they are gone, you are angry at the world and you might start thinking if you give up something or do something different maybe they can come back. You have to be careful because that angry stage can make you lash out and damage other relationships. You can also get stuck her.
4. Reflection & Loneliness - You miss them. You remember them sweetly, and no consolation will help you "get over it". You are just sad, terribly sad.
5. The Hump - you start to adjust to not having them in your life. This happens slowly, but it all starts to feel a little more normal.
6. Reconstruction - you start to be able to think clearly now and can work through some of the more practical pieces of not having them in your life. 
7. Acceptance & Hope - the pain has subsided and you begin to see what your life can look like without them there. You mourn them, but you start to begin looking forward to what you are doing, instead of being lost in the pain of not having them. Life begins to look a little more hopeful.

Every single stage, in varying degrees, happens. Not rigidly, but whether we want it to or not. For everyone I have lost I have gone through these stages, but in the process I have also learned a little about what I need to manage the loss. For each person in my life it has been different.

My Brother: I lost my brother, Christopher Vincent Wolven, to AIDS at 18 and this was probably the rawest of loss I have experienced. I wasn't mature and I railed against the feeling of despair in anyway I possibly could. I call these my "lost years". If it had not been for the solid footing that my husband and having our daughter created I might have stayed in that very sad, scary, angry place for a long time. The lesson I did take away from it all was that every moment, every relationship matters. Make it count.

My Mother: My mothers, Gladys (Poppy) Bell Wolven (Felt), death was sudden, although her health was bad for many, many years. My answer here was to rush around. Get a lot of things done and push it all away. I handled it by being over organized and busy. Not the best way to handle it because the guilt stage lasted a long time. I learned though that wasn't the best way for me to experience loss. Getting busy didn't take the pain away.

My Father: My dad, Jack Francis Wolven, was my hero. I talked to him on the phone every single day of my adult life. He wasn't perfect in real life, but in my heart he was everything I wanted in a dad. He died after many, many months drifting in and out of consciousness. I grieved during that entire time. I sat with that pain a little more. The thing is that it is so raw, and so physically and mentally painful that to dive into it too much is like walking through fire. I have to do it in small doses or it feels like it will kill me. I learned that being somewhat busy, but also making time for quiet helps tremendously. Time eased the loss and I could reflect with honesty about the good and the bad of it all.

My Sister: Ada Elizabeth Murdock, just passed away, but after all I have gone through in the last 5 years losing our parents I have learned some things that help me feel the loss, but not get lost in it. Writing helps tremendously. Letting people in, when my heart hurts helps even though it brings tears to my eyes every time they say they are sorry for the loss. Experiencing a lot of quiet reflection and alone time. Giving myself the space allows for the stages of grief to be fully experienced rather then pushing them away - the tendency I have. I am such a people pleaser that I tend to tell people I am ok, because I wouldn't want them to worry. So, having that time alone allows me to not have to pretend it is ok when it isn't. With that space I can then do things in the world without feeling fake or pretending. I am calmer and filled with more clarity as each day passes. Most of all I am tender with my feelings, my relationships and my heart during this time.

Learning to deal with loss has been an interesting experience in how I cope with life. Learning from each time, listening to my body and mind helps. There are no perfect ways to grieve and in the US we tend to really rush the process. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to fully return to hope.

Giving Each Other A Little Grace

It occurred to me yesterday that everyone is going through something. I know, Captain Obvious! I often get so focused on my projects and outcomes that I forget that everyone I am interacting with has some life issue they are coping with. Some challenge, relationship drama, work, money, family, something. And if that is true perhaps I need to see the world with more compassion.

I can often be a bit black or white - or, frankly, oblivious. I don't mean to, but I just am so often buried in something that I don't reflect on the shoes other people are walking in. I blame it on being the baby in the family, but perhaps now is the time to grow up.

What if we were to act with kindness and compassion - clarity and integrity with every interaction. What if we really listened? What if we acknowledged that we are human and our lives are unfolding in front of us and we often don't have complete control (or any, but I'm not ready to admit that). Mistakes happen. Life hands us lots of lemons. Some of us are better at dealing with the big things and others fade at the small.

There is a terrific commercial running that talks about us being human and all that life throws at us. It is for insurance, but it reminds me that is exactly true. We are one step from slipping on the banana peel, or we have and we are now in mid-fall.

Humans are capable of greatness. Of course, things don't always go our way.

 

So, what if, like the insurance company, we acknowledged that we were human. We gave each other a little grace. What would that look like? I think it is the path I want to take because to acknowledge our human frailty allows me to make real relationships. I think when we die or are dying, that is what we and those around us are going to remember. How we treat others; it might be as simple as that.

I Remember Why

Now I remember why we made the decision to move to a small town. I forget sometimes. I whine about what I don't have. I feel trapped. Stuck. Unsure of our decision. And then life, big and messy, comes crashing in and I get this:

The love that came pouring in both humbled me and reminded me of why I chose this life. I wanted community. I wanted to be connected in a meaningful way to the people I live with. I wanted to touch peoples hearts and be touched by them. I wanted this:

I have had a meal delivered, phone calls, cards in the mail, emails, text messages, flowers delivered and the offer to help me find a way to afford to go to California if I need to. That kind of friendship and kindness was missing in my heart when we lived in San Francisco and we went out searching just for that. I found it and I am tremendously grateful. Thank you.