MoxieLife

Shirking My Responsibility

Sometimes I want to shirk my responsibility. I want to lay it all down and give up. It seems like too much. It is on those kinds of days that I remember to just do the simple things. List 3 things I'm grateful for, make my bed, smile at a stranger. It is the simple acts that make the big to do lists, the weight of my personal responsibilities or the mess that is often in the world seem manageable.

The other day during my melt down I realized that the feelings I have about my personal responsibilities is greater than the actual things I need to do. It's hard to explain, but when all of our families finances rest on my shoulders, the bills, calling the electric company, dealing with the insurance - all the stuff of our lives that I do to make it all hum. Those things, they make me feel exhausted by the sheer amount of them. They weigh my heart and mind down. The need to be really organized, do it all and get it all done can be too much.

If I let it.

The secret is to just do the things that need to be done. Simply. Not make them bigger than they really are with my imagination. Put the left foot in front of the right foot. Some days that is easier said than done.

You can Download the coloring page to remind yourself.

Messy Friend

Wow, this week must be the week I dive into the messiness of friendships. Mostly, they aren't messy. They are simple. Granted, I suspect I am not a great friend. I am often busy, tired, or feeling antisocial which means I don't want to hang out. Not such a great friend. I have moved people, taken cakes, written cards, etc, but only sporadically. So it makes me wonder what do I want in a friend? Do I make a good friend? 

What do I want: I want someone who can handle extreme positions on a variety of topics, who can chat me up at the same rate I chat, who can suggest something fun and different to do and get me to do it (I am hard to get out of the house), someone who is silly, smart and fun but who doesn't shy from the big stuff either. Someone who calls out of the blue to tell me about some movie or book they consumed and how much I would love or hate it.

What do I do (or could I do) to be a better friend: Not blow you off, schedule time with you, remember your darn birthday, bring you treats from my garden, listen to you whine about something (for a little while, until I tell you that is enough), or just spend some time with you even when it isn't uber convenient for me. Heck, I always make time for work, why not you?

Maybe someday I'll get a gaggle of friends just like I always dreamed of... or a best friend. I haven't had one of those since elementary school. I guess that is what happens when you grow up... work, family and life all take over and without proper care friends don't grow along with you.

From the Periphery

Last Saturday I was driving my daughter back to her home when a Pink Floyd song came on the radio. I didn't think that hearing it would cause any anguish, but it was hard to stay composed and just listen and drive. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch with my husband flipping through Facebook when I saw a post by a high school friend that one of our mutual friends had committed suicide. Mikey was part of our tight knit drama geek group - a techie who, by chance, also loved Pink Floyd. I couldn't believe it. I messaged her quickly to see if it was true, and from what she could tell it was. He had taken his own life, who knows how or why, but he had.

Finding out of Facebook that a friend has died is hard. Finding out at all is hard.

What comes up are all the memories of when you were together, and for Mikey and I it has been over 25 years since we saw one another. We were close, extremely, but when I left high school, I left everyone and didn't look back. He had tried to contact me by phone 15 years ago. We had, in fact, made plans to meet, but I didn't go. I didn't want to go back to those memories of high school. I have always felt bad that I didn't attempt to apologize or make another date - I felt like a terrible friend, but I had left all of that behind.

It wasn't until he contacted me a year or so ago on Facebook that I allowed myself to continue to be friends with him. In small, slight ways. A like on a photo, a small comment, a look at his status. That's it. No long conversations, no deep insights, no questions about where he or I had been. Just a nod that we had known one another and would at some level continue to know one another.

Obviously, he was a mess. And, obviously, I am not a great friend. Guilt? A bit. The reality was that we moved in very different circles now - not one better than another, just different. I wasn't willing to dive back into the morass of high school, digging up what that was or wasn't, reliving any of it. I just wanted those friends to remain on the periphery and Facebook is brilliant at that.

I guess, partially, I didn't want any of those very raw high school like emotions to rush back, unfortunately for me they did while driving on the interstate and that damn song came on the radio. I'll miss you, Mikey. Even on the periphery.

Taming My Inner Monster

This weekend, for my whole life really, I have struggled with being generous of spirit. My inclination is to tighten up in a ball, fix my eyes until they are steely and purse my lips really tight. To not give in. To not be nice. To not be generous with my words or actions.

I know. You aren't like that. You are perfectly filled with love and grace. You give and give and give.

At least I think you do because I compare myself to the imaginary you all the time. I figure everyone else is easily loving. Easily able to accept that others get more then they do. Easily able to share in someone else's good fortune.

Not me. I'm a meany.

But I don't want to be. Really.

I want to be loving and kind and filled with generous words of spirit - and mean it.

I really do want you to be happy, successful, filled with joy and all the things that make you happy. It just takes me a minute to get there.

What happens is like a quick monster overcomes my heart and I feel myself tense up into a knot as it grabs all the kind words out of my throat and stuffs them in to my belly. My fists clench into tight balls and I stop breathing as I press my lips tighter and tighter together. My eyes go into slits as they zero in on the target.

If I can just take one breath, I can move through that feeling into something else. Sometimes it takes just a moment and I remind myself what I really want for others - not the stinginess that swells inside. Other times it takes months, maybe even years.

It is why I sit and why I write. I journal to process all of that. To get it out on paper. To move past it. I sit in mediation, however badly, to do the same thing. My mind wanders off to relive the painful moment or the why not me moment and then I remind myself and go back to my breath. It is all a process.

Sometimes it is easier, sometimes not, but at least I am trying. So, if I, at first, seem cold or distant I am probably taming my inner monster. Give me a minute... I'll come around.

Starting Again

After a month long pity party I am back. That is all I can call it. A month where I sulked, brooded, railed and was sad over a stupid rejection. I stopped writing, I stopped sitting, I stopped - sure if you know me you think I was busy (projects, travel, cooking, etc.), but this work - the work of writing and reflection went out the window, but I am back.

That is what happens to me when I am overcome by emotion. I don't really want to explore it in that moment on the page. I don't really want to sit with it. I don't even really want to talk about it.

I want it to just boil and brew in my heart.

Then I get over it.

Really.

So, now I start again. Aren't we always starting again?

Flickr Image

Not Defending Mine

Today I have been thinking about the need to respond, defend, or say something. Do we really need to? All of the time?

Here is the scenario. I posted the above photo on Pinterest to share with my daughter. I have a board called For Noodle where I share things I think she would like. A whole bunch of people look at that board, but I don't care. I treat it like a private conversation with my daughter that you are welcome to overhear.

Because I didn't realize, I had allowed those boards to also be shared on Facebook. (This seems like such a "First World Problem" (a term I don't love, but you know what I mean.)

It was there that a woman I kind of know from my small town commented ,"Is that a gun she's holding? Ugh!"

In which I felt the need to defend my post by saying, "I actually love retro western guns... It's all Annie Oakley."

Which she replied, "I think it still sends a "wrong message"...one should NEVER point a gun!"

Now, I know this innocuous. It is a small thing. What I felt though was the need to DEFEND myself and that need rose quickly through me. Seconds.

But what if there is another way. What if we lay ourselves out there. Our words. Our thoughts. Our ideas. Our art. Our likes and dislikes. And we don't defend them.

The reason this matters is that if we think about what we are saying, doing, sharing we wouldn't need to defend them. If we stand behind them with all of our integrity then what other people think is just what they think. It doesn't effect what we have shared, done or created. We can let them have thier own thoughts about it.

When I think about this I realize I have spent a lifetime defending myself. My fists balled up at my sides, lips pursed, ready for a fight. That feeling is uncessary or if it is it can also just pass through like a cloud on a breezy day. What a different way to live and experience others. Me having my thoughts. You having yours. Me not defending mine.

Not Getting Swept Up In Anger

I am reading Dharma Road about a cabdriver/zen student and last night I read a chapter on anger. Something I have been thinking about for some time - and especially in the last several days after several flare ups that I've had. He talked about breathing through anger and that succumbing to it is where the road veers off into dangerous territory. He even suggested a mantra - just say something to get you through the initial feelings. All good ideas.

First, anger happens.

We all get angry. I experience it just like a fever - it rises in me until my ears are throbbing. It is as if an alien has entered my body and is taking hold and then just as soon as that happens it can vanish (that is one tricky alien.) Anything can trigger it. It can be that I am tired and hungry. I can smell something unpleasant. Someone can say something that triggers something too close to home. I can feel injustice or that "life isn't fair" feeling. It can even be something so infinitesimal that I don't know what triggers the emotion - and all of a sudden I am swept up in it as if I was standing on the edge of the ocean and the riptide is pulling me under.

Trying not to get swept up in it.

The key, for me, is to not get swept up. It is to feel the feeling that is happening and to catch it right when it happens. To notice the change quickly. 

I should note that I come from a quick tempered family - easily enraged, yelling, slamming doors - so this practice does not come easily.

When I do notice, it is important that I tuck myself into myself by removing myself from others. Leave the room, get off the phone, get out of the store, whatever it is quickly and calmly. Not slamming doors or stomping off. Just excusing myself as quickly as possible.

If I can't get out, then not talking is the very best thing. No one needs to hear me rant. No one needs to see me ball my fists and give them the what now. No one. Instead, just like in the Dharma Road, breathe out through the lips. Feel the air on your lips as you exhale. Seems like a strange idea, but if you are concentrating on the breath it is a little bit harder to get caught up in being mad.

If you still can't get through it the very best thing, and the thing I hate to do the most, is walk it off. Seriously. A fifteen minute walk can do wonders for your mood. You can rant all you want in your head, but after a quick paced walk that feeling starts to drift a bit.

There are no easy answers to being angry.

I just know that sensing it quickly, not giving it more then it deserves, breathing through it and walking it off are quite possibly the best things to do. If you are still angry after that writing, talking with a trusted friend (not venting, not a fan of venting) or even a longer work out can help.

Like I said, we all get angry, it is what we do when it happens that matters.

UU World Never Ceases to Amaze Me

 

Back in 2009 I wrote a blog post about the UU World pulling the Freedom From Religion Foundation's ads promoting the separation of church and state. I was shocked that they buckled to primarily Christian idealism within the UUA. Shocked and angry. 

 

This month, low and behold, there is an ad that is dubious on so many levels that twice I had to check that I was actually reading my denominations publication.

Diamonds.

Specifically a "free" diamond pendant - it looks like a Franklin Mint ad.

Tacky, not related to the mission of our organization, and quite possibly the most offensive ad I have ever seen in our publication. 

Here's the deal, I don't wear diamonds. On purpose. They are dirty with the blood of innocents and the greed of corporations. They are the epitome of what I find wrong with our society. They put value on a shiny rock without caring about how those shiny rocks come to be on our fingers, ears and wrists. They are symbols of a system that is broken, corrupt and cares nothing about the death and destruction of the regions that they mine these rocks.

The idea of blood diamonds & conflict diamonds isn't new. Hell, I think there have been countless movies, articles and documentaries about the problem.

I am no expert on it, but I care enough not to wear them, purchase them or celebrate them.

Sure, you can go dig diamonds yourself in my state - and for that I celebrate every moment you are sifting through rocks and sand, but if you are wearing a diamond that you have no real idea where the origin is I am suspect of your morals. Or you just don't know about the issues concerning the shiny stones.

So, I get that the UU World has to sell advertising. I understand that advertising is hard to come by to such a niche group, but when I see this I think that you are just pandering to what you think might be acceptable to the group as a whole, cashing the check and not caring about the larger picture.

Raise dues if the cost of printing is too high. Put it all digitally if the cost is too high. Scrub the project if the cost is too high. Have every darn affiliate group have to buy and ad (polymore, Christian, Buddhist... the list goes on). But don't sell our organization out for a few shiny rocks.

Shame on you.

NOTE: Chris Walton commented quickly that the diamonds are created in a lab - they aren't real. And maybe that was obvious to you, but it wasn't to me.

 

 

Being a Change Expert

It occurred to me that maybe you are wondering why I should give any advice at all about dealing with change. Why am I an expert? First, I'm not. I am just practicing - living my life in a way that actively looks at how I deal with the ups and downs of life.

I really work at it.

I don't want to live my life like a pinball bouncing from one experience to another - good or bad - I want to consciously respond to what comes up in my life. That is an ongoing practice. Some days I'm great at it and some days I suck.

Here's the thing though - sure, I'm not a Holocaust survivor, an ex gang member, or anything that seems to be both really hard or a big deal in our society.

I am just a woman. A white woman, at that.

I live pretty simply, leaving my big salary for a simple life. I don't do drugs. I don't have health problems. I am pretty average, by all accounts.

But here's the thing - everyone experiences change. Everyone. 

It is how you deal with it that matters - that is where the flexibility, grace and resilience comes in.

Sure, I have suffered my share of hard things: my mom was bi-polar, my brother died of AIDS, I am a birth mom, I supported and helped both my parents in the end of their lives, my husband has suffered from severe depression, my daughter almost died - you know, life. Messy, uncontrollable, shit happens life.

It was probably my brothers death that moved me towards the direction of understanding that we get one chance - this life - to have it be how we want it to be. That every moment matters. I was 18.

It has taken me 24 years of dealing with the ups and downs of life to cultivate the Change Practice that I have and although I am not an expert, I am practicing every single day. Probably enough to share some advice about how to deal with it. Probably.

My 5 Step Change/Disappointment Practice or How to Breathe Into Change

 

I think change is one of the most difficult things that people deal with today - maybe forever. No one likes to feel like thier world is crashing in a different direction then planned. No one like to have to shift gears quickly. But as John Lennon so aptly said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

 

I have experienced a lot of change in my life. Some of it was because I wanted it and some of it was not - either way I have had to learn to be extremely flexible and able to bounce along without my psyche becoming to unhinged.

Now, don't get me wrong, my husband will tell you I am like a stubborn child when I am dissapointed (working on that) and I am hard to please (working on that). In fact, the smaller more everyday dissapointments or changes are tougher for me to handle then the big life altering ones for me - I think I become a creature of habit and when my toast burns, there isn't any gas in the car, or my meetings get canceled I can be as big a baby as anyone. Give me death, moving, accidents - those things I figure out how to adapt and live with, but forget to get the peanut butter and I'm a raving lunatic (working on that).

How do I work with change? How do I learn to relax into life instead of holding on to it with a death grip like a triple upside down roller coaster? How do I not get shaken and stirred by every wrong turn and bump I hit along the way?

Here is my 5 Step Change/Disappointment Practice or How to Breathe Into Change

1. Breathe: I actively remind myself to breathe. When I don't do this I can feel the tension building, but when I remember I can feel myself un-tightening.
2. Release my Grip: Literally, I flex my hands and stretch my fingers wide. This simple act releases large amounts of tension.
3. Not Talking: Change happens. Not everyone needs to know that I am disappointed in any given moment. So, I practice (and this is by far the hardest thing for me) not talking about it for a while. I don't call my friend. I don't vent about it. I don't even rush to share it at my next meeting or gathering. I sit with it. Either on an actual meditation cushion or just let it ruminate a bit in my head. 
   
   I have found that telling the same story about how disappointed I am, angry or just flabbergasted that my life isn't going along as planned it makes that feeling - the feeling of resistance to change - become solid. It becomes the reality - not the fact that change is going to happen, but that I am hurting over it.
4. Lists & Writing: When something gets thrown in my lap that I had not planned on I start making lists or writing about it. If I am writing I might write a few minutes about how the plans I had were changed and how disappointed I am, but then I shift gears and start thinking about the NEW possibilities. I give into the change and start working with what is happening. 
   
   If it just needs a list of what to do now that life changed I make a real list on real paper to accommodate the new details.
5. Action: If it is as simple as not having peanut butter I talk to my husband about who is going to go to the store and get some. If it is more challenging like a speaker not coming and I have minutes to prepare for that change - I do all of this pretty quickly. I might just do the first 3, create a plan in my head and get going.

Life happens and change is a major part of that experience. We all get comfortable with our plans, our routines, and want to have it all work out. The truth is that doesn't happen very often. Life is filled with big and little disappointments and changes. It is how we deal with them that makes the experience better. With practice, change can lead to new discoveries and open up doors that would never have happened if you had stuck to your original plans. Breathe into the change, as New Agey as that sounds, it has been revolutionary to my life and a constant practice.