MoxieLife

What I Know About Controlling Other People

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about our need/desire to control other people. Our spouse, friends, volunteers, family, employees, etc. We all have the feeling underneath that we want people to do things a certain way. We want them to march in line - our line, to our rhythm, to our drummer. The thing is that people don't do that. Even when we really want them too. And that causes us frustration, possibly heart ache, disappointment, and hurt feelings. 

Recently a friend was traveling with another friend and she decided that she needed to check her bag. She couldn't just take carry on. Now, I totally get that. I like to have lots of options when I travel. I try really hard to jam it all in, but I always end up having to buy something I couldn't stuff in my bag when I get to my destination. Anyway, the friend freaked out. She was angry that she was going to check her bag. They argued. They fought. They pouted. Over a checked bag.

I have had two interns this summer and I am a mentor to another youngster. I realized that I do not like telling people exactly what to do. Probably because I don't want to be told exactly what to do. (See what happens when you raise an entire generation to question authority? That's for another time.) So, having employees and mentees can be a bit of a challenge for me.

What I have learned is to set the expectation, tell them what the end goal is, and then go from there. I let them do it however they want to do it - as long as they are hitting the marks that we set up from the beginning. I also know that having definate end goals helps. But do I try to make them behave a certain way? No. Do I tell them exactly how to do something? No.

Some of my employees are frustrated by this because they need exact directions - and when I see that I try to be more complete. Others feel a sense of freedom to get the job done and to explore how to do it, which is refreshing.

And I don't have to control anyone.

Because when I want to I usually feel awful. I feel like I am pulling strings that don't need to be there. I am making somone dance in a line they don't want to. I am making it be my way - and really my way probably only works for me.

Sure, if I was doing some procedure on a gas line or a heart operation I would want people to be following in line, but I suspect even there people could do it a little better if they were able to try something small out. Everything can always be done better. My way isn't always the best way. Relaxing into that notion is amazing.

I know that when I was raising my daughter I had the hardest time watching her do something on her own - her way. It was physically painful. She wasn't always doing it my way. I would, I admit, often close my eyes so I didn't have to watch. And the thing is, she did whatever it was she was going to do. She did her chores, made her bed, practiced violin, etc. And she did it her way. A way that felt comfortable and clear in her own mind. The arguements we would have, ususally, was when I needed her or thought I needed her to confine to my way of doing something. It took me a long time to relax into letting her do her own thing. I am still learning - controlling behaviour doesn't go away immediatley! It is a lifetime goal.

Here's the thing. You aren't going to do the project exactly like I would do it, but it is going to reach the outcome we were both looking for because we know what that is. You aren't going to bake the cookies just like I would, but they are going to taste great. You are going to travel different. You are going to play differently. You are going to do it all differently and when I can let go that it doesn't have to be my way I can finally find a little peace in the day. 

Are We Really in a Depression

When I think about my mom's stories from growing up in the Depression or my dad's I am flabbergasted at what we call a recession. Here is one story from my mom that I will never be able to shake - I may not have all the details right, but I think I am close.

During late 30's my mom and her sister were given away to a family member (I think it was a family member) who lived in a farm. They had been living in Newark, New Jersey and their parents couldn't afford to feed them - so they gave them away. My mom must have been 8 or 9 at the time and her sister was 4 or 5.

On this farm they lived on oatmeal for two of their three meals. Plain oatmeal. Not the oatmeal I make today with soy milk, dried cherries, maple syrup... the works. No, just plain oatmeal. The farm also had goats and, I assume that meant they also had goat milk.

Picture this. 2 girls from the city were given away to live with long lost relatives on some farm somewhere in New York. They didn't have anyone who was particularly interested in them - this wasn't a loving Little House in the Prairie moment, it was more like sure you can live here if you don't make too much trouble and you shut up and eat your oatmeal.

My mom and her sister were used to running around the city pretty unsupervised. They would go to the movies and play in the streets. I don't know if you have read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, but I always assumed that was how my mom's childhood was like.

Well, now they are living on this godforsaken farm in the middle of nowhere.

And here is the kicker. Someone rapes my mom. She never really said who. She never really gave all the details, but I know some family member felt the need to molest her. They did not get to her little sister, but that was probably because my mom was there to protect her - but there was no one to protect her.

This was the depression. Oatmeal. Giving away your kids. Desperation.

This isn't what we have today. Today we have people standing in line to by crap from China at midnight to give to their kids. Are we really in a depression? Are we really suffering?

Every time I revisit this snippet of my mom's experience during the real depression I am stunned at our lack of understanding about poverty as a nation - we have lost what it means to be really poor. To have nothing. To be so desperate that we give our kids away thinking it is the best, but of course even that was tinged in terribleness.

I am not supposing that we need to experience the horrible state that our nation was in during the Great Depression, but I do think we need to put that reality with what we have going on today into perspective. I believe, totally, what we have people telling us that it is bad, but if we really looked around it may not be that bad. Are you thinking of giving your kids away anytime soon? Are you eating oatmeal plain two meals a day? I don't think so - maybe, just maybe, it isn't as terrible as they say it is. And if that is true, what is really going on?

Side note: my mom never ate oatmeal again, she hated goats, and she was reunited with her mom and dad a few years after. But those are all other stories.

Photo is my mom at my 3rd birthday party... I'm in the sailor suit, of course.

Lights Camera Nope

We watched an entire season of Californiacation in 3 days and I am reading Mindy Kaling's new book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. One about the sex obsessed Hank and the other about driven Mindy - both a bit narcissistic.

Where they take me though is to my youth and wondering a bit of what if. Now, usually, I don't like to live in the place of what if because it causes either melancholy or frustration in the now. But to humor myself I took a walk through the what if land the other day in the shower. It is safe in there and I can step out of it the minute I leave the spray of water.

Growing up in Southern California, I could have done anything. When I look at my high school experience, for which I lasted a whole 2.5 years before ditching it for junior college, I was really into theater. And sex. Obviously, from the Californication model, I could have done something with that. Really, Orange County is just a stones throw from LA and if I had any motivation at all I could have made that leap. Not being overly pretty I would have been a character actress... I would have loved it. Then again there are a lot of failed, drug addled actresses in LA so that could have been the fate too. But when you have the backwards looking rose colored glasses on, the only future is bright. So, I would have been great.

There are a lot of "stars" from my area. Steve Martin, Michelle Pfeiffer, Will Ferrell, John Stamos, Gwen Stefani (born in the same town and same age), James Cameron... the list kind of goes on. Those are just the ones I know. I am sure there are more. In fact, my UU ministers daughter was an actress but I think she did T&A movies... not sure really.

Anyway, the backwards glance, makes me wonder what if, but more importantly the why not. Why didn't I do that? It would be REALLY easy to blame the lack of interest of my parents. They never once asked me what I wanted to do in the future. They were very self absorbed, but then again, that is also a trait of Orange County parenting... so it comes with the territory. Really, though, if I look hard. I didn't have the faith in myself that I could/would be successful and when I was younger I was really afraid of things that I wasn't good at. I shunned away from failing.

Now though I see failing as a process for growth and if I don't try something I'll never know if I am good at it or not. It is funny to think you have to be instantly good at something - that you don't have to work at it - that is a crazy idea.

So, I didn't become a famous movie star, work in television, or sell my screenplay (yet), but that is ok. I also didn't fail famously across the tabloids. And even though I embrace failure as part of life I like to do it a little more on the down low. And that seems to be just fine without the aide of those rose colored glasses.

Flickr Photo Echo_29

Big Questions

The question I come back to time and time again is, "Why are we here?" I mean humans. What are we doing here? How are we supposed to live our lives? What are we supposed to do? What do we want when we leave? Big questions that inform most of what I do.

When I was 18 my brother died of AIDS - this was when people were just figuring out that there was this plague in our gay communities. Liz Taylor had not even come out with her symbolic red ribbon. People didn't really understand what was happening or they used the opportunity to say some really horrible things about wiping out the population or that they deserved it. All of that didn't matter so much as the fact I was losing my brother. One of my favorite people on the planet. He taught me to read, bought me my first bike and taught me to drive. I was 12 years younger than him and although he was "an artist" and a bit of an egomaniac at times, I always knew that I was special to him.

His death, more than any other traumatic thing that has happened to me over the years (and the list is too darn long) has informed my life view. Which is, life is short, make everyday matter.

That's it. We only get a very short time and we don't even know how long that time is going to be. It is the ultimate game actually. We can try to make it all more meaningful, pretend we are going to get some big reward when we die, or bargain to make it right - but in the end we only get each day that we have. That's it.

For some that might be a pessimistic or hard way to live, but I find it liberating. I can make choices based on the fact that I know I have a finite amount of time. Sometimes I do better at this then others, but that is also part of the process - seeing what works and what doesn't and refining it over and over.

Today would have been John Lennon's 71st birthday and his song Imagine is also part of my complex world view. Just the idea that if there was no heaven, no hell, no religion, no clinging to things - what would that look like? That idea or possibility informs how I talk to people, the decisions I make, and where I want to go next.

I know that when people look into my life they may see want or lack of things, but that isn't what I am interested in because I know, only too well, that things aren't going with me. My hope is to connect with people. Make an impact on a life. Feel the interconnectedness of all of us. That relationships, above all else, really do matter.

I am sad that it took losing someone to show me my path, but maybe that was all part of it too.

Photo: My brother, Christopher, and I on 4th of July.

Debate Over I am Moving On

I told my husband this week that I am no longer interested in debating anyone. After he stopped looking at me like I had turned into an alien I explained. I don't think that debate - online or in person - changes anything. Instead I am turning my power towards education and marketing.

Here is an example: A worker came to our house with his boss who was giving us an estimate to redo our roof (which we can't do, but it was nice to know it needs to be done.). He started in immediately on how it isn't fair that people in our town make so little and all the good old boys own everything and run everything. A rant. I listened... but before I started to scream that he could take some fucking responsibility for his life and stop blaming other people I excused myself and went inside.

What could I have done differently?

I could have shared that he ultimately is responsible for his future. If he wanted better wages he could: take a risk and open his own business, go back to school and get a trained, or he could work with other workers to negotiate for better wages.

He was REALLY caught up in his story. He would not have listened to me - but jsut the first part... that no one owes him anything and he can work with his own future might have been the best marketing tool I could have used in that instance.

Telling him my side, sharing his "pain", or even just listening wasn't getting anywhere. He is a middle aged white man in America who thinks life isn't fair. Whine. Debating him is a waste of my energy and time.

So, I quit. I am no longer interested in your excuses. I am no longer interested in debating the existence of your god. I am no longer going to share why you need to be respectful of our president. I am no longer going to "share" why you might be wrong... because you aren't listening. You have your idea what is right.

Instead I am going to focus my energy on doing good work, educating those that are interested, and marketing good tools for growth.

That's it. Gavel down. Debate over. I am moving on.

Flickr Photo: Asfart

I Love Boobies

Can't we all agree that we love boobies? I don't understand why schools are preventing kids from wearing bracelets with the tag line "I love boobies". It is an educational program aimed at teaching young kids the importance of self checking. That is a good thing. (Here is another story on the uproar from SFGate.)

Granted, I am the one who also did the little Babes for Obama campaign that irked my Boomer friends as being disrespectful to women. Me, I loved it. I think that our generation and younger have a different view of words - and ourselves.

We embrace boobies, babes, even bitch - in ways that our older generations cringe.

Call it a generation gap... or just a different approach for life. But I grew up in a sex positive world. My sister gave me the Joy of Sex when I was 13. I was supposed to feel ok about my body, my sexuality, and the words associated with it. Granted, there are still issues in my own head, but that isn't anyone else's issue but mine.

I still get that sex is a good thing.

Our bodies are good things.

Boobies, butts, breasts, vagina, vulva - you name it they are words that are empowering and, also, just words. I get that older generations might feel more comfortable with Breast Cancer Awareness and pink ribbons, but when was the last time that a ribbon symbolized anything real? I love boobies is pretty darn clear. No ribbons. No masking. Just saying it like it is - which is what Boomers taught generations X, Y and Z to do.

So, stop regulating words. The more you say someone can't say them they want to say them. Haven't we all seen that with kids... if you tell them they can't tell fart jokes anymore in the car they have to keep telling fart jokes and laughing their little heads off. So, stop it. Let the younger generations support causes the way they are going to support causes - even if it isn't YOUR way.