MoxieLife

My Week in Review - No Shooting Stars Darn It

This week has been hard to put it simply. One foot in front of the other kind of stuff, but there were good things too. Always looking for the good things!

• Monday: Quiet. Reflective. Sad. Missing my sister. We also lost one of our chickens to the Coyote Pack... the band of mangy coyotes that roam these Ozark hills dining on chicken buffet.
• Tuesday: Two meetings and a speaking engagement. My goal was to meet my commitments, but not add anything on this week and these things were already planned. Mission accomplished.
• Wednesday: My husband deep cleaned the entire house and dealt with the blooming flea issue. Hot weather + 2 cats + 1 dog = fleas. Vacuumed, pulled furniture out, and sprayed the house with what I am sure is some extremely toxic chemical. We are now flea free!
• Thursday: Taught a small business class, client meeting, and then attended a community meeting. Managed to only tear up a few times. Another chicken eaten. Sigh. We now have one. UPS did bring my new business cards. Love them!
• Friday: Trained a group on Pinterest for Small Biz, had a great offer for a project, and had a great time with my daughter noodling around her hometown. A great day, until the drive home through the Ozark hills where inexperienced drivers were going 35 in a 55 mile an hour 2 lane road with no way to pass them. Public Service Announcement: Pull over. If there are cars behind you, pull over. Your thoughtfulness will be extremely appreciated.
• Saturday: Doors and windows open in suddenly beautiful weather... which drove my husband to decide that we should paint one side of the house. We are doing it one side at a time, by hand and brush. He calls it mindfulness painting. I call it slow.

As a side note there was supposed to be a huge meteor shower last night. We saw not one shooting star. Not surprised, I don't think this week was my week for magic in the sky. Another time, another wish can be made!

 

Shirking My Responsibility

Sometimes I want to shirk my responsibility. I want to lay it all down and give up. It seems like too much. It is on those kinds of days that I remember to just do the simple things. List 3 things I'm grateful for, make my bed, smile at a stranger. It is the simple acts that make the big to do lists, the weight of my personal responsibilities or the mess that is often in the world seem manageable.

The other day during my melt down I realized that the feelings I have about my personal responsibilities is greater than the actual things I need to do. It's hard to explain, but when all of our families finances rest on my shoulders, the bills, calling the electric company, dealing with the insurance - all the stuff of our lives that I do to make it all hum. Those things, they make me feel exhausted by the sheer amount of them. They weigh my heart and mind down. The need to be really organized, do it all and get it all done can be too much.

If I let it.

The secret is to just do the things that need to be done. Simply. Not make them bigger than they really are with my imagination. Put the left foot in front of the right foot. Some days that is easier said than done.

You can Download the coloring page to remind yourself.

Where I Am vs. Where I Want to Be

Is everyone lonelier than they want to be? Last week I had a bit of a melt down with my husband that I wasn't sure I could take living out in the middle of no where much longer. I told him I feel isolated, alone, and pretty friendless. For my friends that read this they are going to feel like chumps, but what I want is MORE friends. I want to hang with people who are progressive, moving forward and feeling pumped about their lives. My friends, and I love them, are mostly older and moving out of their careers or are already retired. That isn't the same place I am in at all.

So, I baled on the book club - I love them, but I couldn't handle being with retired folks who just got back from their month in Italy or 3 weeks in Scotland.... or hearing about their grand kids. I just wasn't able to do it. Yes, this makes me suck as a friend. I just wasn't in the right place to go.

But I did make plans and go to a conference about WordPress on Saturday because I knew, even if I didn't talk to many people, the talks and sessions would be about moving my work forward. They would be positive and filled with people who were looking to do something great. It did not disappoint! The keynote session was by the owner of iThemes and he talked about what it takes to grow and build a business. He was motivating and uplifting.

Those are the kind of people I want to surround myself with every single day. I totally believe that we make up our own reality. Miserable people can live amazing lives, lives that we envy. On the flip side really barren existences can produce really happy people. It is who we surround ourselves with and the stories we tell.

I am choosing to surround myself with positive, forward thinking people. Are you one? Let's hook up and do something amazing!

Messy Friend

Wow, this week must be the week I dive into the messiness of friendships. Mostly, they aren't messy. They are simple. Granted, I suspect I am not a great friend. I am often busy, tired, or feeling antisocial which means I don't want to hang out. Not such a great friend. I have moved people, taken cakes, written cards, etc, but only sporadically. So it makes me wonder what do I want in a friend? Do I make a good friend? 

What do I want: I want someone who can handle extreme positions on a variety of topics, who can chat me up at the same rate I chat, who can suggest something fun and different to do and get me to do it (I am hard to get out of the house), someone who is silly, smart and fun but who doesn't shy from the big stuff either. Someone who calls out of the blue to tell me about some movie or book they consumed and how much I would love or hate it.

What do I do (or could I do) to be a better friend: Not blow you off, schedule time with you, remember your darn birthday, bring you treats from my garden, listen to you whine about something (for a little while, until I tell you that is enough), or just spend some time with you even when it isn't uber convenient for me. Heck, I always make time for work, why not you?

Maybe someday I'll get a gaggle of friends just like I always dreamed of... or a best friend. I haven't had one of those since elementary school. I guess that is what happens when you grow up... work, family and life all take over and without proper care friends don't grow along with you.

Dealing with Being Un-Liked

Have you ever had a friend falling out? One that was unrepairable? One that left the other one extremely bitter and angry with you?

Welcome to my life. I should have known better when I got involved in the first place. All of the warning signs were there: they held grudges against others, they were unhappy generally, they were extremely judgemental. I ignored all the red flags and went ahead like the dorky woman I am. Thinking, it wouldn't happen to me. They wouldn't feel that way about me. We're friends.

Well, chalk it up to a big fat I told you so... I was the next in line to suffer the embarrassment of being un-liked. I tried to mend the fence, but that was never in the plans. They were going to hold that bitter grudge and not let go of it. Ever.

So, what's a girl to do? Move on. Know that I did the best I could and just keep moving forward. Not cause harm to them, even though sometimes the opportunity presents itself. Don't do it. Just stay focused and have empathy for someone I thought was a friend, but probably never was. 

Chalk that up to another lesson learned and let it go. Sometimes easier said then done, but that is ok, I know that I can do this with grace and integrity. (Remind me when I start whining about it!)

PS: Apparently they teach this in Health classes now, via the image in this post. Nice to know that they are dealing with practical things in school. Because really, 42 is a little old to be trying to figure this all out!

Living in Vacation Land

A few weeks ago I was sharing with a friend that I didn't like to vacation. She was appalled. Here I am, a Travel Tourism expert and I don't vacation. It's true. It really isn't my cup of tea. I would MUCH rather move someplace and treat most of my days, even when I am working, as vacation. Which is what I do now and what I have always done. When you live in a vacation destination it is always happy - or at least there is the option of finding something or nothing to do that makes you happy.

If I look back at why I don't like to vacation there are probably three culprits. One, I work in the travel industry and that puts a bit of the charm out the window. If you are constantly working with lodging owners, shop owners, and travel professionals that are griping about tourists, well, you don't want to be one. Plus, seeing the other side takes a bit of the magic off the idea of vacationing.

I also didn't come from a  big vacationing family. Sure, my dad was a teacher so he had the summer off, but we didn't really do anything. In fact, I spent most of my elementary school years playing school in the summer. We would go off to Montana once in a while to see his mom, but she died when I was 9 so that didn't last long. We vacationed once when I was a baby, I have been told. Our VW bus broke down and we were stranded somewhere in Central or Northern California and we lived - yes LIVED - with some old man for a week or so before our part came in. A complete stranger took this family of hippies in - I think at some point my mother and I took a bus back home and cried the whole way home. Great trip. Glad I don't remember it.

Then there  is the money. Not having a lot and paying for everything in cash makes vacationing hard. Sure, you can do it on the cheap, but that isn't fun either. Plus, I couldn't dive into the personality of a town or location in a week. I need more time to get the real feel of an area, of the people, the food, the vibe. I am slow to get accomodated and need to sink myself in completely. So, moving is my only real option... the Slow Food version of vacationing, I guess.

I'm not particulary sad about my lack of vacation status. I feel good knowing what I like and what I don't. I understand that others love it, and in my profession I like to give them what they are looking for: that sense of happiness that they are trying to attain. That happiness that I get to experience every single day because I live in my vacation land!

What I Know About Controlling Other People

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about our need/desire to control other people. Our spouse, friends, volunteers, family, employees, etc. We all have the feeling underneath that we want people to do things a certain way. We want them to march in line - our line, to our rhythm, to our drummer. The thing is that people don't do that. Even when we really want them too. And that causes us frustration, possibly heart ache, disappointment, and hurt feelings. 

Recently a friend was traveling with another friend and she decided that she needed to check her bag. She couldn't just take carry on. Now, I totally get that. I like to have lots of options when I travel. I try really hard to jam it all in, but I always end up having to buy something I couldn't stuff in my bag when I get to my destination. Anyway, the friend freaked out. She was angry that she was going to check her bag. They argued. They fought. They pouted. Over a checked bag.

I have had two interns this summer and I am a mentor to another youngster. I realized that I do not like telling people exactly what to do. Probably because I don't want to be told exactly what to do. (See what happens when you raise an entire generation to question authority? That's for another time.) So, having employees and mentees can be a bit of a challenge for me.

What I have learned is to set the expectation, tell them what the end goal is, and then go from there. I let them do it however they want to do it - as long as they are hitting the marks that we set up from the beginning. I also know that having definate end goals helps. But do I try to make them behave a certain way? No. Do I tell them exactly how to do something? No.

Some of my employees are frustrated by this because they need exact directions - and when I see that I try to be more complete. Others feel a sense of freedom to get the job done and to explore how to do it, which is refreshing.

And I don't have to control anyone.

Because when I want to I usually feel awful. I feel like I am pulling strings that don't need to be there. I am making somone dance in a line they don't want to. I am making it be my way - and really my way probably only works for me.

Sure, if I was doing some procedure on a gas line or a heart operation I would want people to be following in line, but I suspect even there people could do it a little better if they were able to try something small out. Everything can always be done better. My way isn't always the best way. Relaxing into that notion is amazing.

I know that when I was raising my daughter I had the hardest time watching her do something on her own - her way. It was physically painful. She wasn't always doing it my way. I would, I admit, often close my eyes so I didn't have to watch. And the thing is, she did whatever it was she was going to do. She did her chores, made her bed, practiced violin, etc. And she did it her way. A way that felt comfortable and clear in her own mind. The arguements we would have, ususally, was when I needed her or thought I needed her to confine to my way of doing something. It took me a long time to relax into letting her do her own thing. I am still learning - controlling behaviour doesn't go away immediatley! It is a lifetime goal.

Here's the thing. You aren't going to do the project exactly like I would do it, but it is going to reach the outcome we were both looking for because we know what that is. You aren't going to bake the cookies just like I would, but they are going to taste great. You are going to travel different. You are going to play differently. You are going to do it all differently and when I can let go that it doesn't have to be my way I can finally find a little peace in the day. 

Not Junior League Material

Last night we watched The Help and although I had read the book I had an epiphany - I have often felt like Celia Foote. Granted, I am not a blonde bombshell from Sugar Ditch, but after moving here to the Ozarks I have had Celia Foote moments. I have definatley been the woman with the pie wanting to come to the party. That kind of rejection, cliquish behavior, and what I can only call Junior Leauge syndrome is something I didn't really expect and yet have found. I live in the South, what else should I have expected?

What I realized though last night was that I could stop bringing the pie to the party. Those groups are never going to want me as part of thier little clan. I'll never fit in and that is ok. I have chosen to give up. Really, the humiliation of trying over and over to be liked is exhausting and I am 42 years old. It is time to stop.

I have a lot of things I want to do and get done in this life and being roundly rejected by women is not something that is bringing me closer to those goals. I get it. I am not Junior League material - hell, I don't want to be junior anyway - I want to play in the Majors!

I could almost kick myself for falling into the trap of wanting to try. How humiliating and what a waste of time.

We moved here to live more sustainably, to cultivate our own interests, to invest in our family and our relationship, to have meaningful relationships, to do work that we found worthwhile - not to impress anyone, keep up with the Jones's or pretend we are something we are not. I could have easily continued working in Corporate America and made money, if that was the goal, if that is what made you actually happier. I could have impressed the neighbors with fancy things, but that was never what I wanted to do. I knew too many people hooked into that game and they were unhappy. They all wanted somethign else, but they were too trapped to make a leap. 

Well, we lept, and I am not sorry for that. Our story is fun, filled with adventure, and maybe not the norm. That is ok. It is our choice and with that I think I am almost ready to realize that I am not going to fit into the scene. I am not going to be invited to the party. I never really had a foot in anyway. It just took a little help to figure that out.

Four New Things in My Life

Now that I am back in the swing of things I am diving into life with gusto - like a Tropicana commercial or a Ford Truck (yes, I came of age on television and it is my most often thought of cultural reference). With that I am trying the following things:

• Just Get Up: This is the most fought thing in my life. Getting up when I don't have to. I have always gotten up to meet a deadline, get to a meeting, go to work and if I don't have a schedule I will just wait to get up until I actually have to. So, say 8:45 instead of 7AM. The idea of having a relaxing morning is not something I grew up with or am used to. But I am trying it. I am getting up the 2nd time the dog says something. He first goes out at 6:15 and I let him out - I COULD get up then, but I don't. I get back into bed. I get up when I let him back in. This is new and although I feel fine I went to bed at 9:30 last night, so there is that.
• 20/20/20: So, now that I have these hours before I really have to get to work I am doing a new routine. 20 minutes of sitting meditation, 20 minutes of writing and 20 minutes of movement. I figure I will try this for 20 days. I am on day 2... so far so good.
• MyFitnessPal.com: A friend posted that she needed to lose 10 pounds on Facebook because her doctor said she did. Another friend of hers commented that she uses MyFitnessPal the app and online site to keep track of her food diary, exercise and water intake. I have 30 pounds to lose. 30. Which to me is a big number and I figured if her friend who has lost 30 pounds did it this way I could try it too. It doesn't cost anything, but it is a bit of an obsessive way to live. Yesterday if I had just not had the Vivani dark chocolate my day would have been perfect - but,well, I wanted chocolate.
• Chips Ahoy: No, not the cookies (I hate those cookies). Chips. I love chips. Spefically corn tortilla chips. I eat them every single day with salsa. Fresh salsa. I love it. It is crunchy and salty goodness. But really, they should be called "Fried Food for Fatty Mc Fat Fats". Seriously. They are just as bad a fried chicken, doughnuts, and all other amazingly tasting fried things that are bad for you. Tortilla Chips = Fried Food. And the serving size is 7. 7 chips. Come on. Who is going to eat 7 tortilla chips. So, I am looking for an alternative - or I have to give them up and that makes me sad.

What's new in your world?

Starting Again

After a month long pity party I am back. That is all I can call it. A month where I sulked, brooded, railed and was sad over a stupid rejection. I stopped writing, I stopped sitting, I stopped - sure if you know me you think I was busy (projects, travel, cooking, etc.), but this work - the work of writing and reflection went out the window, but I am back.

That is what happens to me when I am overcome by emotion. I don't really want to explore it in that moment on the page. I don't really want to sit with it. I don't even really want to talk about it.

I want it to just boil and brew in my heart.

Then I get over it.

Really.

So, now I start again. Aren't we always starting again?

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