MoxieLife

A Homespun Holiday

We are enjoying our quiet holiday. Good food (too much of it). Good gifts (baseball mitts, a beautiful Eureka Springs necklace, and more). Good family fun (games, movies, catch, and quiet fun). We didn't get the snow I had been tracking for a week, but we are still deep into our simple holiday.

Photos: Our tree, dad with the calender our daughter made for us, and the overflowing stockings from Christmas morning.

Next up we are beginning to plan for 2013 and thinking about all of the possibilities. Right now I am dealing with no disk space left on my Mac... obviously I need to do a little house cleaning before I start diving into 2013.

Related articles

An Atheist Holiday FAQ

Keeping it Simple this Holiday

Couch Conversations: A Little More Adventure

The other night I leaned over to my husband on the couch and said I needed a little more adventure. This wasn't what I was thinking, but it's a start.

Photo Credit: Chip Ford at the Eureka Springs Zombie Crawl

Birthday Weekend Cruise and Heavenly Chocolate Cake

When asked, he said he wanted to go on a cruise for his birthday, but he didn't want to leave the house. And so, we created the Ozark Cruise just for him. He was given a ships itinerary and we took off! We started the morning with sleeping in and no power. A quiet beginning, but utterly relaxing!

As with any real cruise we had mega amounts of food - I believe that is a rule! Lunch was served followed by the ever important siesta. Soon following we headed outside to play Bocci ball and badminton which was slightly derailed when we discovered seed ticks marching up our legs.

More food! Dinner was a simple sweet potato enchilada, but the star of the show was our daughters famous chocolate cake. This thing takes two hours to make, but it is worth ever minute. The recipe is from Cook's and takes three kinds of chocolate, heavy whipping cream, and the steady hand of a kitchen scientist. That girl makes a heavenly chocolate cake - which we devoured all weekend. CAKE!!!

We then played a sligtly silly round of charades. Quick, what do YOU think of when I say Barney? I meant big purple dinosaur, but HE thought I meant Rubble. Then we realized that we could have meant Fife. Oh, the confusion!

We rounded out the evening watching True Blood which just can't get grosser, can it? A fabulous birthday aboard the Ozark Cruise and we didn't even leave home. He is a beautiful man and I am thrilled to sail the seas with him for another 47 years!

1. Our daughter discovers Kiwi shoe polish that I brought home from #AWBU and my dad's De Luxe shoe shining kit. 2. Tuna sandwhiches, barbeque Kettle Chips and fruit for lunch. 3. Greg helping make the chocolate cake or just showing off his moves. 4. Bocci ball before we discovered the seed ticks. 5. Amazing, heavenly chocolate cake with 4 white candles and 7 blue for the 47 year old. 6. Oh, yes! We dress for the Captains Table on our Ozark Cruise. 7. Photo booth props and the fun of the timer on the camera!

Labor Day and Love to my Honey

My husband shares his birthday with Labor Day weekend and we decided last night that he is the Robert E. Lee to Martin Luther King's Day - those living in the south will understand. We celebrate all weekend and today marks our Ozark Cruise! When asked what he wanted for his birthday the request was to go on a cruise, but not leave the property. Ask and we will deliver! Bon Voyage as we embark on our day of celebration in the Ozarks!

Note: The Thermos Song from The Jerk is "our song". Yep, we are that romantic around here!

Amazing Muffin Recipe

Yesterday my daughter and her partner made the most amazing muffins in my teeny tiny kitchen. I have always wanted to know how to bake Starbucks like muffins and these are them. Big, fluffy, filled with goodness. 

Basic Muffin Mix
Makes 9 Muffins in the Large Muffin Tins 

Ingredients:

• 4 cups Oat Bran
• 2 3/4 cups All Purpose Flour
• 2 1/2 cups + 1 tablespoon  Sugar
• 2 1/4 teaspoon Baking Powder
• 2 eggs
• 1 1/2 cup + 1 tablespoon Milk
• 1/4 stick Butter
• 1/4 cup + 2 tablespoons Vegetable Oil
• 1 tablespoon Vanilla
• Desired Mix In's - see Directions
• Jumbo Liners
• Raw Sugar for Tops

Directions:

• Mix dry ingredients.
• Beat eggs lightly in another bowl.
• Melt butter.
• Mix wet ingredients, then slowly mix butter in to the wet mixture.
• Spray LARGE muffin pan (the huge ones, not those little cupcake pans) heavily and place jumbo liners in.
• Mix wet and dry ingredients until just incorporated. Do Not Over mix or you WILL have bricks.
• This is where you can add your goodies: you can incorporate anything you want. We had half with walnuts and honey and the other half with white chocolate chips and raspberries. Let your imagination run wild.
• Scoop mixture into cups making sure to fill them up all the way to the top.
• Sprinkle the tops of the muffins with Raw Sugar if wanted.
• Bake at 325 for 40 - 45 minutes checking and turning at the 20 minute mark.

 

The Grief Process

Yesterday I wrote about how I have learned from each loss in my life - death does that, you just have to learn from it. I also went to dinner with a dear friend who I just adore and we were talking about how other people deal with loss. Mostly, not so great. For instance we know someone who is diving into the bar scene rather than feeling the pain - because, really it hurts so much. Another person I know, because of life circumstances, just got busy - really busy - and didn't start realizing they had lost someone important to them until months later. So I thought I would elaborate on how I am giving myself the tender care I need. Disclaimer, this is what is working for me - today - it may not be a good fit for you, but I thought I would share anyway.

• Quiet Time Alone: I am, as I have with every death, experiencing the shock that happens when you remember that someone died and you can't believe it is true. This is happening for me at 3 or 4 in the morning, lucky me! We all have periods of wakefulness in our sleep, but I am waking up and remembering and not being able to go back to sleep. I am just too upset. (This is starting to fade after a week.) I just get up. I shower, nermal around the house, write, sit and just experience what it is like to not have my sister/dad/mom/friend in my life. I feel it. I cry. I allow myself to be sad.
• Explaining: When my mom and dad died I didn't talk about how much I was suffering. I just got busy and bucked up. Isn't that the American way? I was cranky, tired, and sad all by myself. This time I am sharing with my husband and close friends what is happening. So they understand the strange behavior.
• Eating Right: I am not overeating and I am not under-eating. In fact, I am using MyFitnessPal.com to track my eating to make sure I am covering my basis. If you are prone to not eating during a crisis or you are a binge eater the tool is extremely helpful to gauge what you nutrition is.
• Commitments: I am meeting my commitments, but I am not taking on more things right now. I get asked to participate in a lot of events, meetings, etc. And right now I am not adding new things to the calendar. There are already a lot of things scheduled. I just want to make sure I am making those happen.
• Friends: I am making time to be with friends on a one on one basis. Just short visits to make sure I am not isolating myself.
• Not Losing Myself: Well it is not question that I am not losing myself to drinking or drugs, but I am also not watching countless hours of TV, online for hours and hours, even reading is cut back a bit so I am dealing with the now and not getting lost in the fantasy.
• Exercise: I haven't gotten back on an exercise schedule, but that is happening next week. I need to move and not remain stiff. I can feel the aches and pains of not moving much in the last week and now I know my body is telling me to get up.
• Writing: I am writing on my blogs, on paper and letters. All things take reflection and focus - important component to not lose site of what is happening, but reflecting on it in a tangible way. Also the process lets the raw emotion get out without causing harm.
• Giving Space: I am also giving my nieces, daughter, brother in law and husband the space they need to grieve. Not forcing my will on what I want. I believe that their process, whatever it is, is valid and real, I don't need to force my way on anyone. I care more about the after relationship; I want those to last a lifetime.

There are no easy ways out of grief, but over the years these are the skills I have developed to cope. The communication and self care has been vital to making the moment count and assimilate into my mind - something that after dealing with it in other ways seems to be feeling right.

Tender Grieving Process

Each time we lose someone in our life we have the opportunity to try to handle the loss better. We get to see what worked for us, learn from that experience and try new things that aid in the healing of our heart and mind. Of course, every loss is different, but the stages of grieving often don't change. They may feel bigger with the loss of some and not so much with others, but they still are worked through.

The Seven Stages of Grief:

1. Shock & Denial - you can't believe it happened.
2. Pain & Guilt - you start to think about what could have been different and the pain is felt fully in the body and mind. You have to be careful that you don't try to mask it with being too busy, drugs, alcohol, work, etc.
3. Anger & Bargaining - you are angry they are gone, you are angry at the world and you might start thinking if you give up something or do something different maybe they can come back. You have to be careful because that angry stage can make you lash out and damage other relationships. You can also get stuck her.
4. Reflection & Loneliness - You miss them. You remember them sweetly, and no consolation will help you "get over it". You are just sad, terribly sad.
5. The Hump - you start to adjust to not having them in your life. This happens slowly, but it all starts to feel a little more normal.
6. Reconstruction - you start to be able to think clearly now and can work through some of the more practical pieces of not having them in your life. 
7. Acceptance & Hope - the pain has subsided and you begin to see what your life can look like without them there. You mourn them, but you start to begin looking forward to what you are doing, instead of being lost in the pain of not having them. Life begins to look a little more hopeful.

Every single stage, in varying degrees, happens. Not rigidly, but whether we want it to or not. For everyone I have lost I have gone through these stages, but in the process I have also learned a little about what I need to manage the loss. For each person in my life it has been different.

My Brother: I lost my brother, Christopher Vincent Wolven, to AIDS at 18 and this was probably the rawest of loss I have experienced. I wasn't mature and I railed against the feeling of despair in anyway I possibly could. I call these my "lost years". If it had not been for the solid footing that my husband and having our daughter created I might have stayed in that very sad, scary, angry place for a long time. The lesson I did take away from it all was that every moment, every relationship matters. Make it count.

My Mother: My mothers, Gladys (Poppy) Bell Wolven (Felt), death was sudden, although her health was bad for many, many years. My answer here was to rush around. Get a lot of things done and push it all away. I handled it by being over organized and busy. Not the best way to handle it because the guilt stage lasted a long time. I learned though that wasn't the best way for me to experience loss. Getting busy didn't take the pain away.

My Father: My dad, Jack Francis Wolven, was my hero. I talked to him on the phone every single day of my adult life. He wasn't perfect in real life, but in my heart he was everything I wanted in a dad. He died after many, many months drifting in and out of consciousness. I grieved during that entire time. I sat with that pain a little more. The thing is that it is so raw, and so physically and mentally painful that to dive into it too much is like walking through fire. I have to do it in small doses or it feels like it will kill me. I learned that being somewhat busy, but also making time for quiet helps tremendously. Time eased the loss and I could reflect with honesty about the good and the bad of it all.

My Sister: Ada Elizabeth Murdock, just passed away, but after all I have gone through in the last 5 years losing our parents I have learned some things that help me feel the loss, but not get lost in it. Writing helps tremendously. Letting people in, when my heart hurts helps even though it brings tears to my eyes every time they say they are sorry for the loss. Experiencing a lot of quiet reflection and alone time. Giving myself the space allows for the stages of grief to be fully experienced rather then pushing them away - the tendency I have. I am such a people pleaser that I tend to tell people I am ok, because I wouldn't want them to worry. So, having that time alone allows me to not have to pretend it is ok when it isn't. With that space I can then do things in the world without feeling fake or pretending. I am calmer and filled with more clarity as each day passes. Most of all I am tender with my feelings, my relationships and my heart during this time.

Learning to deal with loss has been an interesting experience in how I cope with life. Learning from each time, listening to my body and mind helps. There are no perfect ways to grieve and in the US we tend to really rush the process. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to fully return to hope.

I Remember Why

Now I remember why we made the decision to move to a small town. I forget sometimes. I whine about what I don't have. I feel trapped. Stuck. Unsure of our decision. And then life, big and messy, comes crashing in and I get this:

The love that came pouring in both humbled me and reminded me of why I chose this life. I wanted community. I wanted to be connected in a meaningful way to the people I live with. I wanted to touch peoples hearts and be touched by them. I wanted this:

I have had a meal delivered, phone calls, cards in the mail, emails, text messages, flowers delivered and the offer to help me find a way to afford to go to California if I need to. That kind of friendship and kindness was missing in my heart when we lived in San Francisco and we went out searching just for that. I found it and I am tremendously grateful. Thank you.

Big Sweeping Changes

Now I start to explore the gentle art of healing and self care. That is what happens. Big life events come swooshing into our lives and then we have to learn to adjust to what those sweeping changes meant. The lesson of losing someone you love is both excrutiatingly painful and a moment where you can get really clear about what matters. For me that is my deep connection to living my life with kindness and compassion. It is in these tender filled moments that you are stripped away from all the crap that builds up - no games, no getting ahead, no escaping that life is filled with awesome moments that stop you in your tracks.

The trick is to not brush it away, numb it, or pretend it isn't happening. You have to actually feel the feelings... even when they are bone crushing. I do that in small doses. I do normal things, work, take time with my dog, read, walk, and then a thought will come swooping in in and bring tears to my eyes, but I know that even that is ok. Letting that feeling of love, loss, regret, hope - all of it - come through me is what will make the loss not something that defines me or pushes me off my path, but instead becomes something that etches into my character.

I guess, after 3 deaths in 5 years I am finally getting the hang of it... not that it is any easier. I just know that each time it happens I have learned a little more about what works for me.

So this weekend was filled with yard sale shopping in the same spirit my sister would have tackled it (she was a pro!), gift giving and making for a family who will soon have a new baby and is just starting out, sewing in the style of Ada - fast and furious to make fabulous things, walks with my family, a beautiful meal given to us by our daughters partner, talking to family, looking through all the old photos, and letting the tears and the laughter come whenever they needed to come. It would be easier not to love, but it would mean giving up those sweet moments and memories that make life worth living.

You have to take it all - the disappointment, loss, anger, frustration, grief, suffering, joy, anticipation, and hope. You have to feel it all. Every last moment of it as it swishes through the moments of every day. My hope is that I come out of it a little kinder and filled with ever more compassion.

Note: Most of what I know about dealing with death I learned first hand and through the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Her five stages of grief have been true for me. It was pioneering work when she started it and I am indebted to her dedication to healing through the grieving process and all that has taught us. For more resources you can visit her foundation, dedicated to continuing her work.

Broken and Filled

My heart is broken by the loss but filled with the outpouring of love. It is with shock and dismay that I come to grips with the fact that my sister has died. She is only 11 years older then I was and I just assumed that we would grow old together. Two sisters, together, living through it all. That doesn't get to be the story though. Instead, I will have buried 3 family members in 5 years, she being the last of my immediate childhood family. To be so utterly rootless is a feeling I can't quite put my head around.

Ada was 11 years older, but thrust into maturaty at 17 when my mom was hospitalized and my parents divorced. She took to the role without question, although I know she sacrificed her own childhood to make sure mine was ok. At 17 she would take me to high school with her, me sitting quietly as she finished her senior year.

When I was 9 she had her first daughter, Sarah Bell, and instead of setting me back into the fold of my father she took me along as the proud aunt. We vacationed in their VW pop up van, played backgammon on the lawn and explored Southern California as a little girl troop. She took my friend Wendy and I on our first, and my last, horseback riding adventure in Big Bear. She threw birthday parties for me at Twila Reed Park. She celebrated every win I had, and mourned every loss.

Later when I decided to go back to college and finish my degree, she cared for my daughter, Paige. Paige cried every moment of every day, but Ada just kept holding her and loving her. She did that with a lot of people.

To know Ada, was to become part of her circle of fierce love.You couldn't not be part of it, she pulled you in with her care, her laughter, and her sense of adventure. She loved you no matter what, flaws and all. Despite our issues later in life, I always knew she was there rooting for me, proud of all I did. There are no words that can share how hard it is to lose someone like that in your life. Except maybe, I will miss you, and I loved you, too.