MoxieLife

Dealing with Being Un-Liked

Have you ever had a friend falling out? One that was unrepairable? One that left the other one extremely bitter and angry with you?

Welcome to my life. I should have known better when I got involved in the first place. All of the warning signs were there: they held grudges against others, they were unhappy generally, they were extremely judgemental. I ignored all the red flags and went ahead like the dorky woman I am. Thinking, it wouldn't happen to me. They wouldn't feel that way about me. We're friends.

Well, chalk it up to a big fat I told you so... I was the next in line to suffer the embarrassment of being un-liked. I tried to mend the fence, but that was never in the plans. They were going to hold that bitter grudge and not let go of it. Ever.

So, what's a girl to do? Move on. Know that I did the best I could and just keep moving forward. Not cause harm to them, even though sometimes the opportunity presents itself. Don't do it. Just stay focused and have empathy for someone I thought was a friend, but probably never was. 

Chalk that up to another lesson learned and let it go. Sometimes easier said then done, but that is ok, I know that I can do this with grace and integrity. (Remind me when I start whining about it!)

PS: Apparently they teach this in Health classes now, via the image in this post. Nice to know that they are dealing with practical things in school. Because really, 42 is a little old to be trying to figure this all out!

What I Know About Controlling Other People

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about our need/desire to control other people. Our spouse, friends, volunteers, family, employees, etc. We all have the feeling underneath that we want people to do things a certain way. We want them to march in line - our line, to our rhythm, to our drummer. The thing is that people don't do that. Even when we really want them too. And that causes us frustration, possibly heart ache, disappointment, and hurt feelings. 

Recently a friend was traveling with another friend and she decided that she needed to check her bag. She couldn't just take carry on. Now, I totally get that. I like to have lots of options when I travel. I try really hard to jam it all in, but I always end up having to buy something I couldn't stuff in my bag when I get to my destination. Anyway, the friend freaked out. She was angry that she was going to check her bag. They argued. They fought. They pouted. Over a checked bag.

I have had two interns this summer and I am a mentor to another youngster. I realized that I do not like telling people exactly what to do. Probably because I don't want to be told exactly what to do. (See what happens when you raise an entire generation to question authority? That's for another time.) So, having employees and mentees can be a bit of a challenge for me.

What I have learned is to set the expectation, tell them what the end goal is, and then go from there. I let them do it however they want to do it - as long as they are hitting the marks that we set up from the beginning. I also know that having definate end goals helps. But do I try to make them behave a certain way? No. Do I tell them exactly how to do something? No.

Some of my employees are frustrated by this because they need exact directions - and when I see that I try to be more complete. Others feel a sense of freedom to get the job done and to explore how to do it, which is refreshing.

And I don't have to control anyone.

Because when I want to I usually feel awful. I feel like I am pulling strings that don't need to be there. I am making somone dance in a line they don't want to. I am making it be my way - and really my way probably only works for me.

Sure, if I was doing some procedure on a gas line or a heart operation I would want people to be following in line, but I suspect even there people could do it a little better if they were able to try something small out. Everything can always be done better. My way isn't always the best way. Relaxing into that notion is amazing.

I know that when I was raising my daughter I had the hardest time watching her do something on her own - her way. It was physically painful. She wasn't always doing it my way. I would, I admit, often close my eyes so I didn't have to watch. And the thing is, she did whatever it was she was going to do. She did her chores, made her bed, practiced violin, etc. And she did it her way. A way that felt comfortable and clear in her own mind. The arguements we would have, ususally, was when I needed her or thought I needed her to confine to my way of doing something. It took me a long time to relax into letting her do her own thing. I am still learning - controlling behaviour doesn't go away immediatley! It is a lifetime goal.

Here's the thing. You aren't going to do the project exactly like I would do it, but it is going to reach the outcome we were both looking for because we know what that is. You aren't going to bake the cookies just like I would, but they are going to taste great. You are going to travel different. You are going to play differently. You are going to do it all differently and when I can let go that it doesn't have to be my way I can finally find a little peace in the day. 

I Am Are You?

This weekend my husband and I watched the film I Am, a documentary from Tom Shadyac the director of features like Ace Ventura and other comedies. He documents his unhappiness, even though he has attained wealth, possessions and other symbols of status. He equates, in the film, the pursuit of stuff as a mental illness. That the more he had, he wasn't happier, he just had more stuff.

We laughed because we figured that out years ago without the benefit of having/selling a multi-million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills or riding around in private jets. We know that having more stuff doesn't make you happier, we just didn't acquire stuff in the first place.

I left the stuff game 10 years ago because I realized that it was futile. There is never enough stuff. You can never make enough money. You can't acquire enough baubles, clothing, cars, homes, vacations, etc. There is always more, more and more.What I saw, working in corporate America, was the people weren't getting happier. They were actually getting more stressed. Because all of that stuff needs more stuff and you have to keep doing bigger and bigger things in order to keep getting more and more stuff. This is extremely stressful.

He talks to a lot of wonderful folks (Desmond Tutu, Howard Zinn, his dad, etc.) about what actually makes you happy. The idea over and over is that it is love. Love towards others. Companionship, caring, community. Those are the things that actually make you happy.

And they are.

I would propose there are two other things: doing work that you find value in and making a difference.

I think we have been suckered into thinking that we have to find work that pays great, makes us rich, or moves up some imaginary ladder. When I watch stock footage of men on the stock floor I realize that although they are in pursuit of something they look stressed, unhappy, and filled with grief. That isn't happiness. It is the same when I see checkers at Walmart. Those that don't truly love customer service are having their souls sucked out of them... they are just paying the bills. That isn't a way to live either.

It is great when both your work and your life get to come together to make a difference for others, but that doesn't always happen - it is fine. I just propose that somewhere in your life you have to do something for the planet, the people, or something other than you to find true happiness.

These are pretty simple things - don't go after more stuff, find work that you value, and make a difference. Why does it take so many people so long to figure it out?

(Note: there is a bit of hooey in the film about the heart, blah blah blah. I don't actually ascribe to that pseudo science, but the rest of the film was lovely. Search it out. It is worth a look.)

Please Pull Over

Yesterday I had a lovely afternoon with my daughter and was driving home. I realized half way home, it's an hour away, that I had to pee. I also realized that the person ahead was driving 30 in a 55. Yes, it's curvy. Yes, the roads are narrow. Here's the thing though, if you have 6 or more cars behind you, you should pull over.

I'm probably behind you and I seriously have to pee.

Not Defending Mine

Today I have been thinking about the need to respond, defend, or say something. Do we really need to? All of the time?

Here is the scenario. I posted the above photo on Pinterest to share with my daughter. I have a board called For Noodle where I share things I think she would like. A whole bunch of people look at that board, but I don't care. I treat it like a private conversation with my daughter that you are welcome to overhear.

Because I didn't realize, I had allowed those boards to also be shared on Facebook. (This seems like such a "First World Problem" (a term I don't love, but you know what I mean.)

It was there that a woman I kind of know from my small town commented ,"Is that a gun she's holding? Ugh!"

In which I felt the need to defend my post by saying, "I actually love retro western guns... It's all Annie Oakley."

Which she replied, "I think it still sends a "wrong message"...one should NEVER point a gun!"

Now, I know this innocuous. It is a small thing. What I felt though was the need to DEFEND myself and that need rose quickly through me. Seconds.

But what if there is another way. What if we lay ourselves out there. Our words. Our thoughts. Our ideas. Our art. Our likes and dislikes. And we don't defend them.

The reason this matters is that if we think about what we are saying, doing, sharing we wouldn't need to defend them. If we stand behind them with all of our integrity then what other people think is just what they think. It doesn't effect what we have shared, done or created. We can let them have thier own thoughts about it.

When I think about this I realize I have spent a lifetime defending myself. My fists balled up at my sides, lips pursed, ready for a fight. That feeling is uncessary or if it is it can also just pass through like a cloud on a breezy day. What a different way to live and experience others. Me having my thoughts. You having yours. Me not defending mine.

Not Getting Swept Up In Anger

I am reading Dharma Road about a cabdriver/zen student and last night I read a chapter on anger. Something I have been thinking about for some time - and especially in the last several days after several flare ups that I've had. He talked about breathing through anger and that succumbing to it is where the road veers off into dangerous territory. He even suggested a mantra - just say something to get you through the initial feelings. All good ideas.

First, anger happens.

We all get angry. I experience it just like a fever - it rises in me until my ears are throbbing. It is as if an alien has entered my body and is taking hold and then just as soon as that happens it can vanish (that is one tricky alien.) Anything can trigger it. It can be that I am tired and hungry. I can smell something unpleasant. Someone can say something that triggers something too close to home. I can feel injustice or that "life isn't fair" feeling. It can even be something so infinitesimal that I don't know what triggers the emotion - and all of a sudden I am swept up in it as if I was standing on the edge of the ocean and the riptide is pulling me under.

Trying not to get swept up in it.

The key, for me, is to not get swept up. It is to feel the feeling that is happening and to catch it right when it happens. To notice the change quickly. 

I should note that I come from a quick tempered family - easily enraged, yelling, slamming doors - so this practice does not come easily.

When I do notice, it is important that I tuck myself into myself by removing myself from others. Leave the room, get off the phone, get out of the store, whatever it is quickly and calmly. Not slamming doors or stomping off. Just excusing myself as quickly as possible.

If I can't get out, then not talking is the very best thing. No one needs to hear me rant. No one needs to see me ball my fists and give them the what now. No one. Instead, just like in the Dharma Road, breathe out through the lips. Feel the air on your lips as you exhale. Seems like a strange idea, but if you are concentrating on the breath it is a little bit harder to get caught up in being mad.

If you still can't get through it the very best thing, and the thing I hate to do the most, is walk it off. Seriously. A fifteen minute walk can do wonders for your mood. You can rant all you want in your head, but after a quick paced walk that feeling starts to drift a bit.

There are no easy answers to being angry.

I just know that sensing it quickly, not giving it more then it deserves, breathing through it and walking it off are quite possibly the best things to do. If you are still angry after that writing, talking with a trusted friend (not venting, not a fan of venting) or even a longer work out can help.

Like I said, we all get angry, it is what we do when it happens that matters.

Being a Change Expert

It occurred to me that maybe you are wondering why I should give any advice at all about dealing with change. Why am I an expert? First, I'm not. I am just practicing - living my life in a way that actively looks at how I deal with the ups and downs of life.

I really work at it.

I don't want to live my life like a pinball bouncing from one experience to another - good or bad - I want to consciously respond to what comes up in my life. That is an ongoing practice. Some days I'm great at it and some days I suck.

Here's the thing though - sure, I'm not a Holocaust survivor, an ex gang member, or anything that seems to be both really hard or a big deal in our society.

I am just a woman. A white woman, at that.

I live pretty simply, leaving my big salary for a simple life. I don't do drugs. I don't have health problems. I am pretty average, by all accounts.

But here's the thing - everyone experiences change. Everyone. 

It is how you deal with it that matters - that is where the flexibility, grace and resilience comes in.

Sure, I have suffered my share of hard things: my mom was bi-polar, my brother died of AIDS, I am a birth mom, I supported and helped both my parents in the end of their lives, my husband has suffered from severe depression, my daughter almost died - you know, life. Messy, uncontrollable, shit happens life.

It was probably my brothers death that moved me towards the direction of understanding that we get one chance - this life - to have it be how we want it to be. That every moment matters. I was 18.

It has taken me 24 years of dealing with the ups and downs of life to cultivate the Change Practice that I have and although I am not an expert, I am practicing every single day. Probably enough to share some advice about how to deal with it. Probably.

My 5 Step Change/Disappointment Practice or How to Breathe Into Change

 

I think change is one of the most difficult things that people deal with today - maybe forever. No one likes to feel like thier world is crashing in a different direction then planned. No one like to have to shift gears quickly. But as John Lennon so aptly said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

 

I have experienced a lot of change in my life. Some of it was because I wanted it and some of it was not - either way I have had to learn to be extremely flexible and able to bounce along without my psyche becoming to unhinged.

Now, don't get me wrong, my husband will tell you I am like a stubborn child when I am dissapointed (working on that) and I am hard to please (working on that). In fact, the smaller more everyday dissapointments or changes are tougher for me to handle then the big life altering ones for me - I think I become a creature of habit and when my toast burns, there isn't any gas in the car, or my meetings get canceled I can be as big a baby as anyone. Give me death, moving, accidents - those things I figure out how to adapt and live with, but forget to get the peanut butter and I'm a raving lunatic (working on that).

How do I work with change? How do I learn to relax into life instead of holding on to it with a death grip like a triple upside down roller coaster? How do I not get shaken and stirred by every wrong turn and bump I hit along the way?

Here is my 5 Step Change/Disappointment Practice or How to Breathe Into Change

1. Breathe: I actively remind myself to breathe. When I don't do this I can feel the tension building, but when I remember I can feel myself un-tightening.
2. Release my Grip: Literally, I flex my hands and stretch my fingers wide. This simple act releases large amounts of tension.
3. Not Talking: Change happens. Not everyone needs to know that I am disappointed in any given moment. So, I practice (and this is by far the hardest thing for me) not talking about it for a while. I don't call my friend. I don't vent about it. I don't even rush to share it at my next meeting or gathering. I sit with it. Either on an actual meditation cushion or just let it ruminate a bit in my head. 
   
   I have found that telling the same story about how disappointed I am, angry or just flabbergasted that my life isn't going along as planned it makes that feeling - the feeling of resistance to change - become solid. It becomes the reality - not the fact that change is going to happen, but that I am hurting over it.
4. Lists & Writing: When something gets thrown in my lap that I had not planned on I start making lists or writing about it. If I am writing I might write a few minutes about how the plans I had were changed and how disappointed I am, but then I shift gears and start thinking about the NEW possibilities. I give into the change and start working with what is happening. 
   
   If it just needs a list of what to do now that life changed I make a real list on real paper to accommodate the new details.
5. Action: If it is as simple as not having peanut butter I talk to my husband about who is going to go to the store and get some. If it is more challenging like a speaker not coming and I have minutes to prepare for that change - I do all of this pretty quickly. I might just do the first 3, create a plan in my head and get going.

Life happens and change is a major part of that experience. We all get comfortable with our plans, our routines, and want to have it all work out. The truth is that doesn't happen very often. Life is filled with big and little disappointments and changes. It is how we deal with them that makes the experience better. With practice, change can lead to new discoveries and open up doors that would never have happened if you had stuck to your original plans. Breathe into the change, as New Agey as that sounds, it has been revolutionary to my life and a constant practice.

Information Overload

I have been thinking a lot about consumption. What we eat. What we buy. The media we consume. The music, words, images all coming in as fast as our hands can click to the next screen.

It is so much food, stuff and information and, like so many others have said, it is overwhelming.

I don't think that having one more thing will make me happier. In fact, the amount of things in my home and office are overwhelming to me. Papers, trinkets, supplies are all packed in every nook and cranny. It looks organized-ish, to some it might even look sparse, but to me it just feels like too much stuff.

And the media, games, tweets, updates, email, news shows, sitcoms, etc are all coming at such a rapid pace that keeping up is just exhausting.

But exhaustion isn't what I am worried about - it is that we are consuming and consuming and we aren't doing anything. We aren't creating anything. I'm not creating anything.

All of the time spent listening, recording, reading, retweeting is taking away from the time that I could be making something. Something new, maybe something fabulous, maybe not... but at least I would be exploring my own information that I have accumulated over time and pushing it out into the world as something new.

The question is how do you jump off the treadmill and start living a full creative life and still stay relevant? Does relevancy matter?

I think it happens in small steps with managed goals. It isn't an all or nothing throw the TV into the woods moment. It is more about defining what I want my life to look like.

I think this month will be that - defining what I want it to all look like. Then putting the pieces together - slowly and carefully - rather then stuffing one more thing on top of another.

Reading over this I see how disjointed even this post is. How I am struggling to say enough is enough. How I am looking for my own words in my crowded head. Let's see what happens when I put my life together in my own terms and what that looks like. How about you; are you having a stuff, information, media overload? Are you managing it well? Are you missing out on the joy of creating something for yourself? I'd love to hear what you are doing to make your life/time your own.

My current resources: Dharma Talks, Yoga App & paper/pen.

Flickr Photo: xray delta one

Valuing Friends

I realized last week, after having a not fun thing happen, that all these weeks of winter isolation have not been good for my soul. If they had been brought about by a concisous act to be alone that might have been different, but to seclusion because of laziness or family nesting isn't necessarily enriching or liberating.

Here's what happened. I got a dose of bad news, twice, about professional/work related things. Both times they were a blow to my ego and my heart.

But for weeks - almost since Thanksgiving - I have been isolated. I have worked, yes, but I haven't made one bit of time for friendship.

And when those crappy moments happened I realized that I couldn't just call up my friends and whine. I am pretty sure friends don't love friends that just whine.

Sure, I reached out to four amazing professional women that I know to help me see the brighter side - and that helped immensely. But even then I felt guilty for wasting their time or not engaging fully at other times and only coming when I had a problem.

So, I learned something about myself. (See, always a silver lining to the crap life shows you.) I need to continue to cultivate relationships. Personal and professional relationships. I need to make the time. I need to value friendship as a life long pursuit, just like I do work and family.

I think some people know this instinctively. Me, not so much. But I am slowly learning.

Flickr Photo by Neal

For kicks check out my books and become my friend on Goodreads. Read my friend Jesse's blog, A Handmade Life. And need tech and work info that you can easily digest, read EvolvedMommy.