MoxieLife

Sinful Colors

Now, I know you did not want to start your Labor Day weekend looking at my tootsies, but I just had to take a moment to RAVE about Sinful Colors Professional nail polish that I picked up two week ago at WalMart. I don't have the extra dough to go get a pedicure every two weeks, plus I am a bit freaked out after seeing some things on the news about cleanliness issues. So, I have to do this myself, and let's be honest, bending over to reach my toes isn't getting easier. (Note to self: do more yoga)

I painted my itty bitty toe nails - yes, I know they are really tiny - two weeks ago and not a chip. Not one. This nail polish goes on exceptionally thick, which I thought was a problem. but with one coat (yes, I am lazy to boot) it has stayed on and stayed strong.

And the price, wow! Under $2.00. Seriously.  I haven't tried it on my fingernails, but I don't use polish there - I wash dishes by hand and that wrecks nail polish like no other thing. Maybe, though, this would be the ticket! 

What are you waiting for? Go get some polish and give your tootsies a treat!

Note: No compensation was received for this... I just SERIOUSLY am impressed.

 

I Found My Tribe at #AWBU

This past weekend I had the rare opportunity to join a group of blogging women from Arkansas at the 2nd Annual Arkansas Women Bloggers Unplugged conference. At first I was hesitant to go because I didn't really get it, or feel like I fit in. My world view can be a bit different than some of my states ladies. Plus, don't we all fret about fitting in?

But I went.

And lord my heart broke open in a way that I didn't think possible. I have, for years, been looking for my tribe. Women who are similar to me, who are interested in living open full lives, you are moving forward and creating community. I was jealous of the women online I follow who gather at beautiful locations to revel in each others awesomeness. I don't need to be jealous. I found that for myself at #AWBU.

I can't write about it all because it is still stirring in my heart, but I want to share some snippets of how this awareness that I had found home happened.

When I walked in I was handed an apron with my blog name embroidered on it. That level of thoughtfulness is unparalleled in conferences. They looked at my blog, they thought about the color, they did it just for me. I could have cried right on the spot.

Then, that evening, Mary, the park interperter for Ozark Folk Center, told two beautiful stories about women and herself. She is a pro, but more importantly she gathers and shares her stories and stories of other women, honoring them. It was at that moment that I realized that is why I blog in the first place - to share my story. I read your blogs because I want to know your story.

Then we heard from a panel about the heroines journey and telling your story authentically. Author, Kyran Pittman shared, "My business is putting it out there. It's not how many read it, but how it resonates and is recieved." We were given collective permission to tell our stories, told that they matter.

Finally, on the last day the workshop I attended was about what kind of blogger you might be and I realized I blog to inspire. I share to find a common voice and to lift up the human experience. That is the thread between both my personal writing here and the work I do in the world. It informs every decision I make and yet I forget often. To Inspire - that is my goal, but also to honor everyones story.

Sometimes you have to move 2000 miles away from your home to the middle of nowhere to find your tribe. I am so glad I took that leap 10 years ago and then again last weekend. It feels like home.

A Weekend Blogging Conference

Foodie Friday at the Arkansas Women Bloggers conference and I snuck away during a session to get a bite to eat at the restaurant inside the state park we are staying at. Seems appropriate for a day devoted to food blogging.

Building Community at #AWBU

I am way more introverted than people usually guess. So the prospect of going to a conference is something I have to carefully consider. Will it be too taxing? Will I feel to uncomfortable? Will I not fit in? Going to a conference of women in Arkansas has special considerations for me. Will I be the only atheist? Will I be the only one with grown children? Will I relate? I have a natural fear of other women due to overexposure to the crazy mean women I have encountered. So, all of this gets put in the pot as I reflect on whether I want/need to go.

I went to the Arkansas Womens Blogger Conference #AWBU last year as a speaker and was completely overshadowed by the need/desire of everyone to learn how to blog for money. I was dumbfounded. It isn't my personal realm and I felth that the thoughtful things I had to say about actually writing real words and creating real relationships were not wanted/needed/appreciated. Which at the time I was puzzled by, but now I get... people want a get rich/famous fast track and my slow way will never satisfy that. Fine.

So, I wasn't sure how I felt about going this year. I hemmed and hawed. And then I realized that my loneliness at living in the boondocks outweighed every single negative thing I could think of about going. So, I called in a favor for a room and paid the registration.

I'm going because I made friends last year. I'm going because they are still my friends a year later despite my curmudgeon ways. I'm going because after my sister died it was them that sent me a note. I'm going because you can't build slow community and relationships hiding behind your computer.

I am thrilled to note that we are going to the Ozark Folk Center, a place I have only heard about, and that Country Outfitters thinks these blogging ladies need boots to look their very best in that picturesque setting. I've picked out mine and when I get back I'll be giving another pair away.

Sometimes you have to stop thinking about all the reasons you can't do something and just do it. That is what I'll be doing this weekend. Just me and my boots!

The Fall of the Squash

It was a quiet weekend, by design. Resting, eating good food, reading a bit, and massacring the squash bug population. Ok, that wasn't quiet, but I hate those little bastards. They just haven't evolved enough to understand that you can't eat the host and survive yourself. It is an annoying lack of understanding of how to be a parasite. You can live on my squash plants if you a) do not kill my squash and b) do not kill the plants that you are residing on. Because they are not yet developed enough to understand that concept I ripped out my beautiful squash plants; once again vowing to never plant squash again. Until next year the sweet allure of how robust and easily they grow gets to me.

The painting? My husband is forever trying to get me to draw, paint, create something so he set up my easle on the screened in porch and I did this little still life.

Ruled By My Lizard Brain

Sometimes, however hard I try to not make it so, I am ruled by my lizard brain (amygdala), hormones and emotions. I react instead of respond. Not that I am trying to be cool as a cucumber. I'm not. I just want to not make those drama filled moments flood into my life when, really, with any perspective at all I would just shrug it all off.

I am not my emotions.

I am also not a robot.

In a perfect world I would be able to express myself calmly and filled with grace and elegance. What really happens? I get flustered with passion and feeling and push my thoughts onto other people when they probably would rather not have it. My coolness evaporates like spit in the sun. The absolute WORST part through? I feel like I just threw up on someone and wish I could have just let whatever it was that got me into a tizzy go.

Story of what happened purposefully left out. It wasn't that big a deal, I just wish I had just let it go.

There has to be a better way. The thing is I know exactly what it is although lately I have resisted it - yep, back to the cushion I go. The studies around brain chemistry and the effects of mediation are too good to not do it. It's like learning about a new drug that would solve your problem, with no harmful side effects and not taking it. So, back to the cushion I will go.

M.R.I. brain scans taken before and after the participants’ meditation regimen found increased gray matter in the hippocampus, an area important for learning and memory. The images also showed a reduction of gray matter in the amygdala, a region connected to anxiety and stress. A control group that did not practice meditation showed no such changes. - NY Times Article

The science is right there. So, my butt is going back and hopefully my mind with follow.

Debating Chickens or Where My Life Is Today

For the past 5 years we have kept a small flock of free range chickens. We love our ladies. So much so that my husband doesn't like to leave them home alone, one of us should be here in case a hawk, coyote, or other random chicken snatcher comes along and gets one of the girls.

This year I hemmed and hawed about getting more chickens. We had four at the time. I just wasn't up to the commitment of getting 25 more - which is what you have to order - or finding someone to split the order with. I figured we would take our chances this summer and hope the girls survived. Then there were three.

Then last week we lost two more. We have one beautiful golden Brahma left. She is a great layer and although a bit perplexed about her lack of chicken sisterhood, she is adjusting to the single girl life. The question, for us, is do we begin again or do we allow a moment in our lives to be chick free?

Photo: not the best photo, but this painting hangs in my dining room and was painted by Ada Elizabeth Murdock, my sister May 2008.

Amazing Muffin Recipe

Yesterday my daughter and her partner made the most amazing muffins in my teeny tiny kitchen. I have always wanted to know how to bake Starbucks like muffins and these are them. Big, fluffy, filled with goodness. 

Basic Muffin Mix
Makes 9 Muffins in the Large Muffin Tins 

Ingredients:

• 4 cups Oat Bran
• 2 3/4 cups All Purpose Flour
• 2 1/2 cups + 1 tablespoon  Sugar
• 2 1/4 teaspoon Baking Powder
• 2 eggs
• 1 1/2 cup + 1 tablespoon Milk
• 1/4 stick Butter
• 1/4 cup + 2 tablespoons Vegetable Oil
• 1 tablespoon Vanilla
• Desired Mix In's - see Directions
• Jumbo Liners
• Raw Sugar for Tops

Directions:

• Mix dry ingredients.
• Beat eggs lightly in another bowl.
• Melt butter.
• Mix wet ingredients, then slowly mix butter in to the wet mixture.
• Spray LARGE muffin pan (the huge ones, not those little cupcake pans) heavily and place jumbo liners in.
• Mix wet and dry ingredients until just incorporated. Do Not Over mix or you WILL have bricks.
• This is where you can add your goodies: you can incorporate anything you want. We had half with walnuts and honey and the other half with white chocolate chips and raspberries. Let your imagination run wild.
• Scoop mixture into cups making sure to fill them up all the way to the top.
• Sprinkle the tops of the muffins with Raw Sugar if wanted.
• Bake at 325 for 40 - 45 minutes checking and turning at the 20 minute mark.

 

My Week in Review - No Shooting Stars Darn It

This week has been hard to put it simply. One foot in front of the other kind of stuff, but there were good things too. Always looking for the good things!

• Monday: Quiet. Reflective. Sad. Missing my sister. We also lost one of our chickens to the Coyote Pack... the band of mangy coyotes that roam these Ozark hills dining on chicken buffet.
• Tuesday: Two meetings and a speaking engagement. My goal was to meet my commitments, but not add anything on this week and these things were already planned. Mission accomplished.
• Wednesday: My husband deep cleaned the entire house and dealt with the blooming flea issue. Hot weather + 2 cats + 1 dog = fleas. Vacuumed, pulled furniture out, and sprayed the house with what I am sure is some extremely toxic chemical. We are now flea free!
• Thursday: Taught a small business class, client meeting, and then attended a community meeting. Managed to only tear up a few times. Another chicken eaten. Sigh. We now have one. UPS did bring my new business cards. Love them!
• Friday: Trained a group on Pinterest for Small Biz, had a great offer for a project, and had a great time with my daughter noodling around her hometown. A great day, until the drive home through the Ozark hills where inexperienced drivers were going 35 in a 55 mile an hour 2 lane road with no way to pass them. Public Service Announcement: Pull over. If there are cars behind you, pull over. Your thoughtfulness will be extremely appreciated.
• Saturday: Doors and windows open in suddenly beautiful weather... which drove my husband to decide that we should paint one side of the house. We are doing it one side at a time, by hand and brush. He calls it mindfulness painting. I call it slow.

As a side note there was supposed to be a huge meteor shower last night. We saw not one shooting star. Not surprised, I don't think this week was my week for magic in the sky. Another time, another wish can be made!

 

The Grief Process

Yesterday I wrote about how I have learned from each loss in my life - death does that, you just have to learn from it. I also went to dinner with a dear friend who I just adore and we were talking about how other people deal with loss. Mostly, not so great. For instance we know someone who is diving into the bar scene rather than feeling the pain - because, really it hurts so much. Another person I know, because of life circumstances, just got busy - really busy - and didn't start realizing they had lost someone important to them until months later. So I thought I would elaborate on how I am giving myself the tender care I need. Disclaimer, this is what is working for me - today - it may not be a good fit for you, but I thought I would share anyway.

• Quiet Time Alone: I am, as I have with every death, experiencing the shock that happens when you remember that someone died and you can't believe it is true. This is happening for me at 3 or 4 in the morning, lucky me! We all have periods of wakefulness in our sleep, but I am waking up and remembering and not being able to go back to sleep. I am just too upset. (This is starting to fade after a week.) I just get up. I shower, nermal around the house, write, sit and just experience what it is like to not have my sister/dad/mom/friend in my life. I feel it. I cry. I allow myself to be sad.
• Explaining: When my mom and dad died I didn't talk about how much I was suffering. I just got busy and bucked up. Isn't that the American way? I was cranky, tired, and sad all by myself. This time I am sharing with my husband and close friends what is happening. So they understand the strange behavior.
• Eating Right: I am not overeating and I am not under-eating. In fact, I am using MyFitnessPal.com to track my eating to make sure I am covering my basis. If you are prone to not eating during a crisis or you are a binge eater the tool is extremely helpful to gauge what you nutrition is.
• Commitments: I am meeting my commitments, but I am not taking on more things right now. I get asked to participate in a lot of events, meetings, etc. And right now I am not adding new things to the calendar. There are already a lot of things scheduled. I just want to make sure I am making those happen.
• Friends: I am making time to be with friends on a one on one basis. Just short visits to make sure I am not isolating myself.
• Not Losing Myself: Well it is not question that I am not losing myself to drinking or drugs, but I am also not watching countless hours of TV, online for hours and hours, even reading is cut back a bit so I am dealing with the now and not getting lost in the fantasy.
• Exercise: I haven't gotten back on an exercise schedule, but that is happening next week. I need to move and not remain stiff. I can feel the aches and pains of not moving much in the last week and now I know my body is telling me to get up.
• Writing: I am writing on my blogs, on paper and letters. All things take reflection and focus - important component to not lose site of what is happening, but reflecting on it in a tangible way. Also the process lets the raw emotion get out without causing harm.
• Giving Space: I am also giving my nieces, daughter, brother in law and husband the space they need to grieve. Not forcing my will on what I want. I believe that their process, whatever it is, is valid and real, I don't need to force my way on anyone. I care more about the after relationship; I want those to last a lifetime.

There are no easy ways out of grief, but over the years these are the skills I have developed to cope. The communication and self care has been vital to making the moment count and assimilate into my mind - something that after dealing with it in other ways seems to be feeling right.