MoxieLife

Shirking My Responsibility

Sometimes I want to shirk my responsibility. I want to lay it all down and give up. It seems like too much. It is on those kinds of days that I remember to just do the simple things. List 3 things I'm grateful for, make my bed, smile at a stranger. It is the simple acts that make the big to do lists, the weight of my personal responsibilities or the mess that is often in the world seem manageable.

The other day during my melt down I realized that the feelings I have about my personal responsibilities is greater than the actual things I need to do. It's hard to explain, but when all of our families finances rest on my shoulders, the bills, calling the electric company, dealing with the insurance - all the stuff of our lives that I do to make it all hum. Those things, they make me feel exhausted by the sheer amount of them. They weigh my heart and mind down. The need to be really organized, do it all and get it all done can be too much.

If I let it.

The secret is to just do the things that need to be done. Simply. Not make them bigger than they really are with my imagination. Put the left foot in front of the right foot. Some days that is easier said than done.

You can Download the coloring page to remind yourself.

Where I Am vs. Where I Want to Be

Is everyone lonelier than they want to be? Last week I had a bit of a melt down with my husband that I wasn't sure I could take living out in the middle of no where much longer. I told him I feel isolated, alone, and pretty friendless. For my friends that read this they are going to feel like chumps, but what I want is MORE friends. I want to hang with people who are progressive, moving forward and feeling pumped about their lives. My friends, and I love them, are mostly older and moving out of their careers or are already retired. That isn't the same place I am in at all.

So, I baled on the book club - I love them, but I couldn't handle being with retired folks who just got back from their month in Italy or 3 weeks in Scotland.... or hearing about their grand kids. I just wasn't able to do it. Yes, this makes me suck as a friend. I just wasn't in the right place to go.

But I did make plans and go to a conference about WordPress on Saturday because I knew, even if I didn't talk to many people, the talks and sessions would be about moving my work forward. They would be positive and filled with people who were looking to do something great. It did not disappoint! The keynote session was by the owner of iThemes and he talked about what it takes to grow and build a business. He was motivating and uplifting.

Those are the kind of people I want to surround myself with every single day. I totally believe that we make up our own reality. Miserable people can live amazing lives, lives that we envy. On the flip side really barren existences can produce really happy people. It is who we surround ourselves with and the stories we tell.

I am choosing to surround myself with positive, forward thinking people. Are you one? Let's hook up and do something amazing!

2012 Olympic Bingo

For some Olympic fun, here is a free download to play 2012 Olympic Bingo. You can either play throughout the entire games or just during the opening ceremonies! Let the Games Begin! Download OlympicBingo

Stop the Violence and Fill the Cracks

Those that know me well, know that my biggest fear is being shot in a public place. Yep, I'm not even sure if it has a name - this fear. It usually means that I don't love public places where people can get mad: post offices, dmv, political rallies, hospital waiting rooms or the emergency room, police stations, return lines at Christmas, etc. Places where people feel agitated and often not in control of their space/time. No, I have never witnessed gun violence, I get this special fear just from the rash of random gun violence in the US. Lucky me.

I still go to those places, but I don't love it.

We were driving home from Little Rock when we noticed that all of the flags were at half mast. My daughter looked on Twitter for the reason, which is how we learned about the Batman movie shooting in Aurora, CO.

So sad. Sad for the victims, the injured, those in the theater, the theater workers, AMC movie theaters, everyone associated with the Batman franchise, the town, the country and the shooter, too.

It makes me crazy that folks fall through the cracks and are able to be complete loners - plotting thier revenge on society - and no one notices. It is so easy to get guns, bullets - even in mass quantities and no one bats an eye. What has happened that we are becoming a society that is separate? Why is it ok that this student just dropped out of his program and then went on some annihilation plan? Why did he slip through the crack and take so many with him?

Forget the noise that it is the fault of godless humanists (thanks Rick Warren). Forget about the 2nd Amendment. Forget about the NRA and all of their power. Let's get back to a society that doesn't justify our needs to amass weapons and start talking about real gun control and mental health care. Let's start putting our energy into filling these cracks.

Messy Friend

Wow, this week must be the week I dive into the messiness of friendships. Mostly, they aren't messy. They are simple. Granted, I suspect I am not a great friend. I am often busy, tired, or feeling antisocial which means I don't want to hang out. Not such a great friend. I have moved people, taken cakes, written cards, etc, but only sporadically. So it makes me wonder what do I want in a friend? Do I make a good friend? 

What do I want: I want someone who can handle extreme positions on a variety of topics, who can chat me up at the same rate I chat, who can suggest something fun and different to do and get me to do it (I am hard to get out of the house), someone who is silly, smart and fun but who doesn't shy from the big stuff either. Someone who calls out of the blue to tell me about some movie or book they consumed and how much I would love or hate it.

What do I do (or could I do) to be a better friend: Not blow you off, schedule time with you, remember your darn birthday, bring you treats from my garden, listen to you whine about something (for a little while, until I tell you that is enough), or just spend some time with you even when it isn't uber convenient for me. Heck, I always make time for work, why not you?

Maybe someday I'll get a gaggle of friends just like I always dreamed of... or a best friend. I haven't had one of those since elementary school. I guess that is what happens when you grow up... work, family and life all take over and without proper care friends don't grow along with you.

From the Periphery

Last Saturday I was driving my daughter back to her home when a Pink Floyd song came on the radio. I didn't think that hearing it would cause any anguish, but it was hard to stay composed and just listen and drive. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch with my husband flipping through Facebook when I saw a post by a high school friend that one of our mutual friends had committed suicide. Mikey was part of our tight knit drama geek group - a techie who, by chance, also loved Pink Floyd. I couldn't believe it. I messaged her quickly to see if it was true, and from what she could tell it was. He had taken his own life, who knows how or why, but he had.

Finding out of Facebook that a friend has died is hard. Finding out at all is hard.

What comes up are all the memories of when you were together, and for Mikey and I it has been over 25 years since we saw one another. We were close, extremely, but when I left high school, I left everyone and didn't look back. He had tried to contact me by phone 15 years ago. We had, in fact, made plans to meet, but I didn't go. I didn't want to go back to those memories of high school. I have always felt bad that I didn't attempt to apologize or make another date - I felt like a terrible friend, but I had left all of that behind.

It wasn't until he contacted me a year or so ago on Facebook that I allowed myself to continue to be friends with him. In small, slight ways. A like on a photo, a small comment, a look at his status. That's it. No long conversations, no deep insights, no questions about where he or I had been. Just a nod that we had known one another and would at some level continue to know one another.

Obviously, he was a mess. And, obviously, I am not a great friend. Guilt? A bit. The reality was that we moved in very different circles now - not one better than another, just different. I wasn't willing to dive back into the morass of high school, digging up what that was or wasn't, reliving any of it. I just wanted those friends to remain on the periphery and Facebook is brilliant at that.

I guess, partially, I didn't want any of those very raw high school like emotions to rush back, unfortunately for me they did while driving on the interstate and that damn song came on the radio. I'll miss you, Mikey. Even on the periphery.

Dealing with Being Un-Liked

Have you ever had a friend falling out? One that was unrepairable? One that left the other one extremely bitter and angry with you?

Welcome to my life. I should have known better when I got involved in the first place. All of the warning signs were there: they held grudges against others, they were unhappy generally, they were extremely judgemental. I ignored all the red flags and went ahead like the dorky woman I am. Thinking, it wouldn't happen to me. They wouldn't feel that way about me. We're friends.

Well, chalk it up to a big fat I told you so... I was the next in line to suffer the embarrassment of being un-liked. I tried to mend the fence, but that was never in the plans. They were going to hold that bitter grudge and not let go of it. Ever.

So, what's a girl to do? Move on. Know that I did the best I could and just keep moving forward. Not cause harm to them, even though sometimes the opportunity presents itself. Don't do it. Just stay focused and have empathy for someone I thought was a friend, but probably never was. 

Chalk that up to another lesson learned and let it go. Sometimes easier said then done, but that is ok, I know that I can do this with grace and integrity. (Remind me when I start whining about it!)

PS: Apparently they teach this in Health classes now, via the image in this post. Nice to know that they are dealing with practical things in school. Because really, 42 is a little old to be trying to figure this all out!

Here Piggy Piggy

These cute little guys were found roaming around our creek bed that flows under (and sometimes over) our driveway. They were keeping cool and seemed extremely unaware of us. We just kept wondering where mom was. Apparently, we are able to kill them on our private land, but we don't plan on doing that. Granted, if they started to show up and be over 300 pounds we might change our minds. Until then we plan to live peacefully with them. (And, honestly, squeal with delight when we see their cute little piggy ways!) That, folks, is what it is like living in the middle of a nature preserve.

Living in Vacation Land

A few weeks ago I was sharing with a friend that I didn't like to vacation. She was appalled. Here I am, a Travel Tourism expert and I don't vacation. It's true. It really isn't my cup of tea. I would MUCH rather move someplace and treat most of my days, even when I am working, as vacation. Which is what I do now and what I have always done. When you live in a vacation destination it is always happy - or at least there is the option of finding something or nothing to do that makes you happy.

If I look back at why I don't like to vacation there are probably three culprits. One, I work in the travel industry and that puts a bit of the charm out the window. If you are constantly working with lodging owners, shop owners, and travel professionals that are griping about tourists, well, you don't want to be one. Plus, seeing the other side takes a bit of the magic off the idea of vacationing.

I also didn't come from a  big vacationing family. Sure, my dad was a teacher so he had the summer off, but we didn't really do anything. In fact, I spent most of my elementary school years playing school in the summer. We would go off to Montana once in a while to see his mom, but she died when I was 9 so that didn't last long. We vacationed once when I was a baby, I have been told. Our VW bus broke down and we were stranded somewhere in Central or Northern California and we lived - yes LIVED - with some old man for a week or so before our part came in. A complete stranger took this family of hippies in - I think at some point my mother and I took a bus back home and cried the whole way home. Great trip. Glad I don't remember it.

Then there  is the money. Not having a lot and paying for everything in cash makes vacationing hard. Sure, you can do it on the cheap, but that isn't fun either. Plus, I couldn't dive into the personality of a town or location in a week. I need more time to get the real feel of an area, of the people, the food, the vibe. I am slow to get accomodated and need to sink myself in completely. So, moving is my only real option... the Slow Food version of vacationing, I guess.

I'm not particulary sad about my lack of vacation status. I feel good knowing what I like and what I don't. I understand that others love it, and in my profession I like to give them what they are looking for: that sense of happiness that they are trying to attain. That happiness that I get to experience every single day because I live in my vacation land!

A Real Humdinger

Darn bees. This weekend we found that our hummingbird feeder was attracting bees. Lots and lots of bees. The hummingbirds wouldn't land. They were swarming around the feeder. I am extremely allergic to bees. I swell up like a football wherever I get stung. So, I have to be really careful. 

I went online and read about the bees to feeder phenomena and apparently it is normal. Well, normal when your feeder is old and cracked from being exposed to the elements. Ours was definately that. It said that the bees flood to the cracked areas where they can get to the sugary sweet stuff.

On Sunday I noticed it wasn't just attracting bees it was now dripping onto the deck and the bees were swarming the deck - well, like bees to honey.

So, even though I am super allergic to these little guys, I set my coffee cup down and pulled the hose out. I started spraying the deck to wash off the sticky substance and then I sprayed the feeder. The bees weren't happy, but while spraying I was able to get the feeder down, empty it, and toss it into the recycling.

Goodbye bees. And sadly goodbye hummingbirds. Well, until I get one of the recommended feeders! Its a real Humdinger!