This last weekend I was definitely in a funk. It was windy and cold outside and I just didn't want to look at my never ending to do list. So, I snuggled up on the couch and read - 2 mysteries and a novel. I also walked in the park with my husband, played video games, made simple dinners, and putted around the house.
So, what was the funk about? I realize that in the last several weeks I had a surge of weird and I did not handle it well. That isn't it... I became unfocused and unbalanced.
Weird 1: A woman, who I thought was trying to make amends for past mistakes, was vying for some strange power she thinks I have.
Weird 2: A woman called and yelled at me about all that is wrong in her world and how it is my fault.
Weird 3: People not being forthcoming.
Weird 4: A company baited and switched - never cool.
Weird 5: Another person believes I am the reason for their failure to connect.
Just too much weird. Exhausting. Not life giving. Not creative. Not interesting. Not fulfilling. Actually all of that was unnecessary and stupid.
But more importantly is my inability to stay balanced, focused and clear during the weird. I reel, pitch and sway when I really want to not play at all. I lose track of the things I need to be doing and want to hide in a corner.
I know that the only way to deal is to continue to find balance and the only way I know to do that is to sit, walk, and write. Three things that do not come naturally to me in the midst of weird. There is a part of me that will say to myself in the middle of the anxiety that I should walk, or sit, or write - but instead I want to go back to the old patterns of talking too much about what happened and hiding in books. Those are really easy ways that I can cope, but they don't really seem to help.
In fact, they tend to produce a sense of self loathing.
Now what?
Well. I know that weird won't stop. There is always going to be weird. The only thing I can continue to work on is to sit, walk, and write in the midst of weird. Maybe, just maybe I won't be so battered by it next time.
