We watched an entire season of Californiacation in 3 days and I am reading Mindy Kaling's new book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. One about the sex obsessed Hank and the other about driven Mindy - both a bit narcissistic.
Where they take me though is to my youth and wondering a bit of what if. Now, usually, I don't like to live in the place of what if because it causes either melancholy or frustration in the now. But to humor myself I took a walk through the what if land the other day in the shower. It is safe in there and I can step out of it the minute I leave the spray of water.
Growing up in Southern California, I could have done anything. When I look at my high school experience, for which I lasted a whole 2.5 years before ditching it for junior college, I was really into theater. And sex. Obviously, from the Californication model, I could have done something with that. Really, Orange County is just a stones throw from LA and if I had any motivation at all I could have made that leap. Not being overly pretty I would have been a character actress... I would have loved it. Then again there are a lot of failed, drug addled actresses in LA so that could have been the fate too. But when you have the backwards looking rose colored glasses on, the only future is bright. So, I would have been great.
There are a lot of "stars" from my area. Steve Martin, Michelle Pfeiffer, Will Ferrell, John Stamos, Gwen Stefani (born in the same town and same age), James Cameron... the list kind of goes on. Those are just the ones I know. I am sure there are more. In fact, my UU ministers daughter was an actress but I think she did T&A movies... not sure really.
Anyway, the backwards glance, makes me wonder what if, but more importantly the why not. Why didn't I do that? It would be REALLY easy to blame the lack of interest of my parents. They never once asked me what I wanted to do in the future. They were very self absorbed, but then again, that is also a trait of Orange County parenting... so it comes with the territory. Really, though, if I look hard. I didn't have the faith in myself that I could/would be successful and when I was younger I was really afraid of things that I wasn't good at. I shunned away from failing.
Now though I see failing as a process for growth and if I don't try something I'll never know if I am good at it or not. It is funny to think you have to be instantly good at something - that you don't have to work at it - that is a crazy idea.
So, I didn't become a famous movie star, work in television, or sell my screenplay (yet), but that is ok. I also didn't fail famously across the tabloids. And even though I embrace failure as part of life I like to do it a little more on the down low. And that seems to be just fine without the aide of those rose colored glasses.
Flickr Photo Echo_29
