I realize after the last several days that I don't really like extremely stressful situations. Well, who does? I do better when a crisis happens - I can deal with it, and then you move on. Although I am not a big fan of those either. I like my rather boring predictable life that shuttles me through day to day. I also do not like to see the people I love uncomfortable, sad, or hurting. Really, I don't like to see anyone hurting - it hurts.
We have been preparing for the last few weeks for our daughter to have her front tooth removed. She had to have an emergency root canal and they left the hole open to drain the abscess until they could remove the tooth. The tooth had been damaged when she had her bike accident, sending a crack right up the back, but we didn't know that at the time.
On Monday she and dad went to the endodotic office to have it removed. Me, I was home, working. Mostly working, but also mostly paralyzed with fear. I just sat and waited to hear from them. I didn't want to go because a) I don't do well when/if she faints b) I didn't think they needed all three of us in the office c) I figured I would be more useful getting things ready for when they came home - and I was.
The appointment took 3 hours and was filled with all kinds of scary instruments. She was awake during the procedure, and part way through she could feel the extreme pressure of the "jaws of life" thing that pulled the actual tooth out. They tried to put the implant in directly after the tooth was removed, but there was significant bone loss. So, instead, they put in dead people bones for the bone graft. Kind of gross and kind of amazing at the same time.
In the meantime I waited for them to call, my husband did several times just to keep me in the loop. Then, when I knew they were safely home I prepared her bed, got dinner ready, and waited some more. What I couldn't do though is really focus on anything else. Usually, in the past, I have dealt with emergencies by focusing, getting through them, and getting things done. This really made me watch my behavior and I feel unsettled in a way I haven't. I feel unable to grasp and hold on - we are just scared about how this is all going to go. And that unknowing, makes life hard to settle into.
This morning there were big tears. She wasn't ready to go back to school, but she has no choice. She has tests and papers, and whatever else happens in college. She has to go back to her lonely apartment - which isn't lonely when she is feeling great, but is when she can't even figure out how to eat oatmeal. And watching her cry is heartbreaking. I see being unsettled over here for a little while longer.