I have been observing lately my own resistance to things. Things that are good, things that make my heart swell, things that bring joy to others - I get cold and hard. It is difficult to explain, without sounding like a curmudgeon.
For instance, the Dalai Lama is at the University of Arkansas today. Every single person I know is there. Is excited about it. Is filled with some kind of awe at his presence - or just the fact that they get to go see him.
My husband and I chose not to go because we don't believe that religious figures should be speaking at public schools - which was really hard because although we really like the Dalai Lama we couldn't say he was ok, but Ted Haggard or Billy Graham wasn't. It has to apply across the board. So, we didn't purchase tickets - on principal.
Granted we were the only ones that we knew with this principal... and no on understood it. Which is fine.
But this is where the resistance comes in - I am having trouble getting into their glow. It rubs me wrong and I get stiff.
When I look at this ther are a number of things I can see happening. When I was a kid, in the roller coaster of my early childhood, any emotion was difficult to withstand - it felt out of control. Having a bipolar mom was not good ground for feeling good/bad about anything - there was never a time when I knew if it would be too good or too bad and so I tried within myself to reign it all in. Tightly.
Well, that makes for a very hard position to stay in - think of holding onto a kite and not giving it any more string when it is craving to fly higher - it is that feeling. That tenseness around your fist, except it is my whole being.
The only thing I know to do now is to observe the feeling, watch it, and not react to it - not hurt others with my own tightness. Not easy, not easy.
Photo is from Facebook - folks currently at the UofA.
