MoxieLife

Vague Uneasiness

The weather has been unsettling. Rain, wind, tornadoes - sleep is hard to come by when you aren't sure if a 200 year old oak is going to make it through the night. We haven't left in days because our low water bridge is a raging river and the threat of more rain makes it hard to plan our escape. It gets to you.

But so does something else. Something harder to understand. Harder to pinpoint.

I am working on a large scale project that has multiple components, players, and pieces. The project runs May through October and is extremely public. I took it on because I saw the value of it - not for my own glory. Yesterday I received an email from one of the key people who shared that he was so happy with how it was going - that it was simple, professional and seamless. It was so nice to get that validation for the months of work I have put into it. I felt great. Happy that it was working for him and that he thought it was working for everyone else too.

But.

Yes, there is always a but and this is where the unsettling feeling comes from and I can't figure out why it makes me feel so sick.

Today I received another email from another key person who vaguely said that someone had complained. It didn't give specifics. It didn't share what was wrong. It didn't go into any detail - vague. And that vagueness causes me to feel like the floor is dropping out. I scramble in my head to figure out what is wrong. I try to see what I could be doing differently -that vague message takes more time and energy then the concrete email that I got the day before.

Why do we/I put so much time and feeling into something that is outside of me? Why do I let the unknown shake my world?

If I were to go deep inside I would say it is because I had a really unstable childhood - not ever knowing what was going to happen and that has caused me to scramble when I am unsure. Try to find protection. I know though from reading countless zen books that feeling of the world dropping out, that anxiety is common - everyone feels it and people go to great lengths to not feel it. But if I can just breathe through it and not let it unsettle me completely it isn't so bad. As they say, change happens and you can't grasp to make it stop - it is like a landslide and if you are grasping at the mud it will eventually just ooze out from under you.

I Don't Get You

I wonder if I would have been a blogger when my kid was younger. I don't think so. I was really into spending the time working and then trying to spend "quality time" with her - there wasn't much time for spilling my soul on the internet. So, I don't really get mommy bloggers, but that is ok, I don't get most people.

I don't get why people support Israel. I know... Jews had it bad... I get that, but really they can't just take back land that was theirs but isn't any more. If that was the case Native Americans could ask for New York City and fight for it. Granted, we wouldn't let them have it. Or Mexico could reclaim California... the list goes on.

I don't get people who defend the South. As in, we fought the Civil War for state's rights. That is just a bunch of beans. Every single secession document says that they were leaving the Union to have the right to have slaves... so if that is the state's rights you are wanting just say it.

I don't understand people who complain about everything. If you are so godforsaken unhappy either do something about it or be done. Really, no one wants to hear about it.

Everyone thinks that mean people suck, but there sure are a lot of them. In fact, we think being mean is funny. We pay to see it. We watch people yell, scream, hurt other people on TV all the time. Which isn't really entertainment. We make fun of how people dress, look, act, dance - you name it. As if we can do it so much better. Why can't we just celebrate that they are living their life however they want to and stop judging them in the name of snarky humor? Oh... we like to make fun of people... oh, but remember we don't like to be made fun of - terrible double standard.

That is just a few of the folks I don't understand - granted, I am not trying to. I don't, in fact want to understand them. I guess that makes me mean too - damn.

Three Things

What three things did you accomplish today? That simple question might make you happy according to an article I read in More magazine - yes, I read a magazine for women over 40, shut up. It was by the happiness guru guy who has decided that just attaining happiness isn't really the goal - or end. It is the journey. Well, anyone could have told you that.

Anyway, it does make sense. If we have lists and cross them off each month we can see progress which makes us feel like we are going somewhere. People tend to like to think they are moving... it is a psychological feeling of working towards some greater or specific good. So, if you take the time to notice daily what you were successful at you can, by extension, start to cultivate the habit of feeling that forward movement.

Plus, it is really easy to do. For instance:

Sunday: read article in More magazine, found not horrible outfit for funeral in closet, washed all of the kitchen rugs - yay, I did something.

Monday: did not freak out about husbands driving to or from the funeral, did not crack any innapropriate jokes or say snarky things to overly Christian family during funeral, chose both chocolate and butterscotch chips for cookies (it was a tough decision, but one that really worked out)

Tuesday: deposited checks, rearranged furniture in my office to make it more cozy (stealing cozy chair from bedroom), exercised for 30 minutes without completely passing out

You get the idea - instead of listing things that you are grateful for - which is a nice practice - you start to catalog the things you did right, felt focused on, got finished, dreaded but did anyway... and I suppose after some time you begin to see that you are moving forward or if you aren't you at least have a list showing you what the hell you were doing because after 40 it does all start to blur together.

What three things did you do?

Funeral Fun

Rolls. That was what my husbands 98 year old grandmother will be remembered for - her rolls. She made these amazing yeast rolls by the hundreds every year for Thanksgiving and that is what her children, grandchildren and the minister chose to really hone in on at her funeral this week.

Sure, her rolls were good, but after 98 years you would think there was a little more to her life then that. Goodness, I hope so.

Some other highlights of the funeral were when two people who were not related to the family and seemed to be professional funeral goers (I didn't know who they were, but I think they were friends of someone in the family) kept saying that you could really see the faith of this family... too bad he was telling the three atheists this.

Or when the one relation by marriage who has been in and out of jail said that he was expecting the rapture any time now... and that he was going to be part of that chosen gang. I just looked dumbfounded at him thinking, "so you, the convicted criminal will get to go to heaven, but I the unbeliever wouldn't be able to set foot in the place?" That seems fair.

Or when my husbands aunt thanked me for being able to observer their custom... like atheists burn their dead and dance on the grave or something... what does she think we do when people die? Jeez.

So, think about what you are doing that you want to be remembered for or it might just be your baked goods.

Who Are You Trying to Be?

Walking around the track the other day, my friend and I were talking about Facebook and who we are friends with and who we aren't when I shared that there are several people I know that I am friends with, but who I block from seeing anything I post. She said why bother, but I like being able to invite them to events,  send them a quick message, or tag them in a photo and being their friend in that way seems ok.

Then she said, well they can just read your blog and find out all about you there.

But really, you can't. I share what most people would think of as a lot here, but really there is more that I don't share. I am not like Dooce who has shared complete mental breakdowns online or that woman who live tweeted her abortion.... somethings are still private in my little world.

Although why, yep that is what I started to think about. Why do we not share all of the bumpy parts of ourselves?Why do we work so hard to seem polished and perfect when none of us really are? Doesn't it seem like a bit of a farce? All this walking around pretending we are super duper all of the time.

Wouldn't our psyche be better off if we were honest about where we come from, who we are and how we are doing? The amount of depression, anxiety disorders, and social disorders seems to indicate that the pretending isn't working out for us very well. Is it?

 

Resistance

I have been observing lately my own resistance to things. Things that are good, things that make my heart swell, things that bring joy to others - I get cold and hard. It is difficult to explain, without sounding like a curmudgeon.

For instance, the Dalai Lama is at the University of Arkansas today. Every single person I know is there. Is excited about it. Is filled with some kind of awe at his presence - or just the fact that they get to go see him.

My husband and I chose not to go because we don't believe that religious figures should be speaking at public schools - which was really hard because although we really like the Dalai Lama we couldn't say he was ok, but Ted Haggard or Billy Graham wasn't. It has to apply across the board. So, we didn't purchase tickets - on principal.

Granted we were the only ones that we knew with this principal... and no on understood it. Which is fine.

But this is where the resistance comes in - I am having trouble getting into their glow. It rubs me wrong and I get stiff.

When I look at this ther are a number of things I can see happening. When I was a kid, in the roller coaster of my early childhood, any emotion was difficult to withstand - it felt out of control. Having a bipolar mom was not good ground for feeling good/bad about anything - there was never a time when I knew if it would be too good or too bad and so I tried within myself to reign it all in. Tightly.

Well, that makes for a very hard position to stay in - think of holding onto a kite and not giving it any more string when it is craving to fly higher - it is that feeling. That tenseness around your fist, except it is my whole being.

The only thing I know to do now is to observe the feeling, watch it, and not react to it - not hurt others with my own tightness. Not easy, not easy.

 

Photo is from Facebook - folks currently at the UofA.

The Same Lesson

 

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go get my toes painted, have lunch and see a friend I only see once a month. I didn't really have time for it - or I thought I didn't - but I went anyway. And I am so glad I did. Carving out time for myself is one of the hardest things. I have never been good about it. And although the lunch went longer then expected it was great. We laughed and had a great time. I experienced pimento cheese and marshmallow salad for the first time - it was a hoot!

Normally, I would have canceled the date. Or went and tried to rush through it. Or just tried to jam it into a box that felt normal - made it be a certain way.

But when I slowed down and let it just happen how it was going to happen - it was sensational. And I will remember it far longer than answering countless emails, returning phone calls or whatever else needed to be done at that exact same time (it didn't - it all got handled just fine.)

A lesson I just keep repeating.

Broad Sweeps

When I am not writing here I wonder what I am doing instead. Lots of work projects. Lots of nothing. We had tons of rain and that didn't help my disposition. My office is a mess because of too many things going on and no real place to put them.

Whine.

What I have been thinking about most is deliberate.

I am not a very deliberate person.

I am more big picture, vision and broad sweeps.

I do a lot of things with details and handle them fine, but I always have this feeling that if I slowed down, wrote it all down, took in the small things that it would be even more perfect.

But that isn't who I am, most of the time, although not being like that gets me really flustered. Maybe I need a detail oriented assistant - although I think I would make their life crazy!