Many of you know that I am a second generation UU who raised her daughter in the church in San Francisco and in our little town. In fact, one of the main reasons that we moved to this small town and not another is because it had a UU Fellowship. Church has been an important part of my life, until now.
After a lot of deep reflection, I am going to take a break. I am not sure how long I will be out of the loop, but it is something I need to do. I have chronicled the havoc that our little church has brought into my life and although I could stick in there I don't think, right now, it is the right thing for me to do. To be frank, I am tired of crying because of something that happens at church.
To be fair, the members of our fellowship are all just trying to do the best that they can, but it isn't working for me. I wanted it to, I really did, but right now it just causes my heart to hurt. So, instead of sitting through more services that don't have meaning for me, trying to fit in when I feel so out of the mix, and forcing myself to belong I am just going to give it a rest.
Here's the thing - they don't know what baggage I bring to the table and really it isn't their fault. I take responsibility for my own hurt church feelings. It all started in San Francisco when the then minister told me I couldn't participate in a particular program because I wasn't a large enough donor even though I had given countless hours to committees, teaching, and worship services. I just cracked open and saw that it wasn't really about people but about money instead. So, I bring that very hurt woman to any church I try to belong to. I have tried to just get over that, but it was so honest and clear that I can't. So every time our congregation decides to do something because of money I realize that I can't bear to hear it - it is practical, but it isn't the whole of the community.
I could go on and on how it doesn't feed me, how it isn't what I am searching for, how it doesn't speak to my Gen X spirit - but really that doesn't matter. What does is that I am officially on sabatical - and I am loving that idea.
