I have this distinct memory of standing on the edge, almost in the doorway, of our dining room when I was little. A holiday dinner is in progress. The family is fighting, but maybe not. Maybe just loud. I am not completely sure. They might be having fun, it doesn't look fun, but there is teasing and laughing. I don't know if it is safe to come in and no one is inviting me. So, I just look in and am unsure.
That is a base memory, one that, unfortunately, defines how I interact in the world.
I was 11 years younger than my brother and sister. A mistake. My parents were busy dealing with their own issues, not particularly interested in the needs of a small child. My siblings were both care taking and jealous at any attention I received.
As I look back, I don't feel sad or regrettful, you get what you get in life. What I do notice is the pattern to stand on the outside. To not join in and to feel hurt at the smallest slight or rough word. I don't tend to join groups or belong to much of anything because I can't figure out my place, if it is fun, or if there is an undercurrent of hostility.
Last week I was invited to a birthday party that was part of a Dances of Universal Peace gathering at the Unitarian Church. My church. I was a few minutes late and I could see through the window that they had already begun. Instead of trying to find a parking space I called home to tell my husband that I wasn't going and I would be home.
I had that same feeling of not being sure I was welcome. It was a faith tradition I do not share, and feel awkward being part of. It was my church, where I raised my daughter, and yet I didn't feel welcome - that I was an interloper.
If your first introduction to participating in a group is with your nuclear family and that didn't go very well it seems to me that your interaction with other groups might have some issues. The behavioral psychiatrist might push me to join and live with the reality that it both good and bad - despite my uncomfortable feeling. A feeling that is akin to standing in the ocean and seeing a large wave rush over you - not sure if you will drown or just tumble in the ferocious weight of it.
I am not sure that I want to dive in quite so easily. I may look at my relationship with groups and see how I want to fit in or not and be ok with how I feel about it - recognizing that those first steps as a child are not easily forgotten.
Photo: Christmas/Thanksgiving in the 80's - life got much better when my niece Sarah was born.
