MoxieLife

UUA Focuses on Leaping, Talking and Empowering

In the latest article in the UUWorld the UUA board met and they are restructuring thier current board structure. Which may or may not be a good thing. I don't really know. What I do know is that the UUA (and really most large organizations who have members out in the field) are completely out of touch with what is happening in most of their churches.

I won't try to talk about all the churches I have been involved in, but will focus on the really obvious lack of understanding within my own fellowship, a lay led fellowship in rural Arkansas.

The UUA has a board who's president wants to focus on three things: Growing congregations who are ready to "Take the Leap" to being bigger, how they communicate, and "empowering congregations at the local level". Let's take each one of these and see how I think they fit in our local, rural, fellowship with only lay leadership.

• Focusing on growth. The UUA, for as long as I have been an adult, has been focused on growth and each year they have seemed to shrink. I don't think focusing on growth grows anything. In fact, I think that it alienates the churches that aren't prepared to "take the leap." What about all of the small congregations and fellowships that meet Sunday after Sunday? Do they not have value? Or is it really just about numbers? If the UUA would focus on the work, message, and people they have nationwide rather then the amorphous people out there who might want to join us we might actually grow. Just do good work. Our little fellowship has 8 people who are anxious to join this year. That is growth. Not at the scale that the UUA would care about, but for our small congregation it means we are doing something right - we are consistent and we are doing good work. That equals growth and it has very little to do with the UUA being involved at any level.
• Communication. From books to tweets is what they are going to focus on. It seems to me that it isn't how, but what they communicate. The messages that come from the UUA Board tend to be clear as mud. Nothing that relates to smaller congregations. Ever. Again the focus is on the larger or potentially larger churches. Perhaps if they worried less about how they were communicating and worked to listen they might hear something that is rustling out there. Maybe.
• Empowerment. They are really excited about the Standing on the Side of Love campaign. And when large groups get together and where any kind of similar t-shirt it is empowering - think Giants, Rally for Sanity, etc. but is that really empowerment. I would suggest that they have a forum, or group that could hear what communities are struggling with and give real solutions on how to deal with it. In our community we have 4 weekends that are focused on GLBT tourism - this brings out all of the folks who are against that kind of thing. Shouting fests, strange folks dragging large crosses, and men holding signs about divorce can be found along with drag queens, happy lesbian couples, and families enjoying the town. If we could get the support of our district to come to our town and stage a moment for respect and love that would be amazing - but how do you even go about communicating that need? There isn't a direct line to the districts or the UUA. There isn't any way to let them know what is happening in our communities (I guess it goes back to listening.) So, the idea is nice, but if there isn't an actual way to connect it is meaningless.

Each year there are comments from fellowship members about why we pay the district and the UUA anything - and every year one or two of us defends it. Our reason, because we believe in the ideals despite the fact that we are not served very well by the larger whole.

These are, of course, only my observations - but I think with all of this talk about the UUA board changes this might be a ripe time for them to hear from all over the US. How many of the board are under 50? How many of them are from rural areas? How many of them do not hold degrees of higher ed? How many of them are from smaller congregations? Just a few of my questions.

This is totally a UU (Unitarian Universalist) geek thing - I'll wrench my hands around some personal drama tomorrow for those who care more about that.

Dealing with Disappointment

Nothing is really sticking today. I just came back in from a very busy weekend filled with a host of emotions: anticipation, annoyance, frustration, disappointment - not very good, when I look at the list. It's funny the one thing I am really not good at is dealing with disappointment. I revert to a 4 year old. Sad, woeful, the sky falls - a terrible place to be. Really though life is filled with them and instead of completely throwing me about I could just wing it.

On Saturday night - after the very bad no good dissapointing day - I had the worst dream. I dreamt that my husband left me for some other woman and said it was because he didn't like me anymore. That I wasn't fun.

It was shockingly real.

I woke up bummed about the actual disappointments from the previous day and the unreal ones from my dream life.

The thing that was the big A-HA was the "he didn't like me anymore. I wasn't fun." I think that is where most of my disappointment comes from. If people don't attend an event, like something I did, or are not into what I am presenting I take it personally. I don't even bother to think about them - it is all about me me me. (Yes, I can be a bit self centered.)

So, if something goes wrong, instead of just sloughing it off as something that didn't work, I feel personally responsible - like I am not one of the cool kids so people don't like to do what I am doing.

A terrible cycle. I am sure I will snap out of it (someday I won't revert to a 4 year old) - and now I know what to look at when I feel so unloved... at least I learned a damn lesson from that turmoil. In the meantime, I do not recommend drowning your sorrows in Halloween candy - as I attempted to do last night - another not so good trait. Goodness, it has to get better then this!

Photo Credit: SeeMidTN

I Could Just Shut Up

This month I am working on Right Speech as my 41 Year Month of Fun (or some other title) and let me just say that when I told my husband half way through the month what I was doing he was surprised. He said, "you are?" Meaning, I am pretty sure, that he saw no difference. Sigh.

So some rules would be good for these months of themes (next month is Food and My Relationship To It). I have two weeks left in this month so here is what I am going to try to do:

Week 3: (which I am half way through) will focus on Listening as an act of Right Speech. This will entail not butting in, not giving my story, not cutting someone off, but rather listening fully to what is being said. We'll see how that goes. I have a big meeting on Friday that I have already been told to be submissive in (a whole NEW concept for me) and a big event on Saturday. So, I'll try this listening thing and report back on Sunday.

Week 4: Being kind. It occurred to me last night (yes, at 41 I am still learning) that I could be kind rather than cutting. I don't have to be the snarky one. I don't have to deflate everyone else's balloon. I could be kind and if I can't I can just shut up. Last night my husband was watching a video of Ken Wilbur who pretty much makes my brain hurt in every direction. I spent at least 3 minutes (maybe 5) making fun of him. (Sorry, Ken, but it was so easy.) Now, I have immense respect for him and his work, but he, well, I don't need to go into what I was saying. In fact, it occurred to me afterwards that I could just shut up. I don't have to be mean/funny. I can just experience the moment and keep my commentary to myself. And so, the last week of October I will practice that.

Photo: Right before our journey into the Ozark Corn Maze 2010

 

Personal Happiness Manifesto

I finished reading Gretchin Rubin's book "The Happiness Project" - a year of projects she did to try to make herself happier. I had resisted reading this book for quite some time because I already have the actual diagnosis of being a PollyAnna that I didn't want to delve deeper into that frame of mind, but I was curious what your experiments led her to. Reading her honest struggles with being nicer, not being so critical, making time for fun, and loving her husband just as he is (not how she wants him to be) was both engaging, but useful for framing my own perspective on life. The bottom line is that she found if she thought she was happier she was and if she was happier so were the people around her. Was she actually happier? It didn't matter because she thought/felt she was - which is what I believe totally.

One aspect of the book I loved were her Twelve Personal Commandments. They ranged from things like Be Gretchen to enjoy the process. Last night when I couldn't sleep because I ate the hugest dinner in the universe (not a way to have ultimate happiness, by the way) I started thinking of my own Happiness Manifesto - I like the word manifesto better than commandments - must be the Marxist in me. Here is what I came up with at around 3AM.

Jacqueline's Personal Happiness Manifesto

1. Be Jacqueline. The only way I can truly be happy is to be who I am 100% of the time. When I try to fit a mold, settle, or think I should be some other way I am on the road to personal hell, not happiness. So, be me as much as possible, no matter the risk.
2. Do Good Work. Ultimately, I think doing good work is what makes me happy. Not getting kudo's or shiny gold stars (although, I like those things) for the work I do, but actually putting pencil to paper, showing up, and doing the best work I can at all times makes me happy.
3. Be Kind. I have a propensity to be small and mean. I was raised to think there wasn't enough for everyone and that I had to stamp my feet, carve my piece out, and be as cunning and skillful as possible to get what was mine. So not true! When I remember there is enough, that everyone is where they are and not where I need them to be, and to act ultimately with kindness I feel better. It feels as if a piece of me, the small mean piece, softens and relaxes. So, like the Dalai Lama, choose kindness as my path towards happiness.
4. Death Happens. When my grandma died when I was 9 and my brother when I was 20 I realized that life is pretty precarious. Each day is a gift that we squander on the dull, stupid, and unnecessary in our lives rather than celebrating the beautiful and amazing that is right in front of us. To live like everyday is your last is a bit much, but to hold a little piece of death in your heart is a constant reminder that all of this is fleeting so squeeze out as much love, kindness, and care that you can from each moment.
5. Dream Big. Living small keeps you small. Take risks, try things, fail, learn and keep going - life is filled with opportunities that only come once take them and live a life of no regrets.
6. Love Completely. Hug with your heart. Love one another. Forgive. Stop fretting over the small stuff. Don't try to change them. Just love and when you forget to love, remember again.
7. Live Like a Rock Star. Every now and again you have to live your life as loudly, boldly, and full of YOU as you can get. Walk like you have an entourage. Speak about your passions boldly. Be big, wild, and wonderful. It isn't about money, sex, drugs, or rock and roll - it is about attitude. You are the star of your own show and you have to live to your very edges.
8. Get Things Done. Cross crap off your list. Don't have nagging items. Don't leave things unfinished. Don't commit and then back out. Do things as they come up and finish them completely, you will feel so much better.
9. Laugh Out Loud. Life is pretty funny, so start enjoying it. Being ernest and hardworking is important, but you have to carve out time to have fun and not take it all so seriously. Laugh more than you scrunch your eyebrows together.
10. Take Care of Yourself. I grew up in a house where life was unpredictable and I replicated that in my adulthood (a common phenomenon). The pattern I learned was to become as still and quiet as possible, to not make much noise, to not take up space with my feelings or needs, but this takes an awful toll on your soul. So, instead, when moods are overtaking my space remember to take good care of myself, put me first, not take it all personally, and to love me through my mind, body and soul.

Ten - I guess I could have had commandments after all - things that make my life better/happier when I think of it. What are yours? What rules do you live by? It is a great exercise! My thought is to live with this idea for a while and see if they all resonate through time - say 3 months - and then rework them. I would love to know yours!

Photo Credit: hale_popoki (I TOTALLY had this book when I was growing up. Sigh.)

Suffering and Being Silent

On Sunday at church we had the privilege of having John Two Hawks - Emmy and Grammy nominated musician - speak to us at church. He is a Lakota indian who shares his path through his music. A consummate musician (piano, mandolin, flute, etc.) he is also a vivid storyteller. Something I didn't expect. I know John casually. He lives near dear friends of mine on a mountain locally and when they have parties he and his wife are also usually there. A nice, mostly quiet, guy who stands out with his height and his beautiful eyes.

He spoke on Sunday about a variety of things, one of them suffering.

He talked about the Battle of Wounded Knee (he did the music for the film) and he spoke about how suffering is universal to all people. Through our suffering we would be move forward with a strength of who we are and (for him) who spirit is.

I am not a huge fan of suffering as a religious path.

I believe, like Buddhists, that life is suffering - that is part of our experience.

I don't believe that it makes you a better person. It can, but that is a choice of the person not by the act of having suffered.

Granted, during his talk I was struggling with my own frustration with how we have created suffering for Native Americans, but that is a whole other discussion.

He said something that did strike me though. We can be quiet in times of conflict. We don't have to have the last word. This has been a theme lately and it rings so true for me. I was raised to always have the last word. To be right to the end. To fight for every bit of truth I had, but that does not create peaceful loving relationships. It is a tough, brutal way to live. That we can allow others to be loud in their opinions is a new concept for me, but one that I am loving.

Photo by SeanRolson

41 Things You Might Not Know About Me Part 4

As I wrap up this 41 Things About Me series I am astounded at how hard it is to come up with things that I think someone might not know. I feel like I have written about everything here and that everyone knows everything, but maybe not. It isn't as if I sensor things because I think they will be too shocking, more that the facts are too dull. It is definitely an interesting process. Here goes the last of the list:

32. I go by many titles: mom, daughter (used to), Ma, sister, aunt, friend, partner, designer, freelancer, consultant, nonprofit executive director, Unitarian, atheist, feminist, writer, blogger, teacher, speaker, Californian (to those I live with in my adopted state of Arkansas), liberal, voter... the labels seem to go on and on.

33. I can curl my tongue into a U shape.

34. My only living family is: my sister, two nieces, an aunt and uncle, and a few cousins. We aren't close.

35. I like to sing, but I rarely do.

36. When I was in high school my brother, an art major in college, told me I was a terrible photographer and so now I rarely take pictures.

37. I struggle between wanting to decorate/craft things for my house and wanting to live clutter free.

38. I read over 200 blogs, but not every day. The subjects range from Unitarian Universalism, crafts, drawing, atheism, design, organization, Zen, writing, marketing, homesteading, gardening, photography (interesting considering #36), books, and politics.

39. I don't live by a lot of rules.

40. I sleep 8-9 hours each night. I love to sleep and relish in bed time. Stretching out under the sheets is probably one of my favorite things to do. I come from a family of women who are/were insomniacs so it is with great pleasure that I get to enjoy sleep. They didn't and they suffered for it - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

41. Although it is early, I am really loving my 40's. Except the moment on Sunday when I saw this teenage girl ride her bike past me towards our church and I realized I would never be that carefree again. Still, I am, mostly, loving it.

Photo is of our family when she is just a few months old. Possibly my favorite photo.

41 Things You Might Not Know About Me Part 3

Jumping right into it.

22. I once ate so many malted milk balls I was sick. As an adult.

23. I don't have health insurance.

24. I've never been in a wedding.

25. I often forget how long I have lived here or there or what year so and so happened. This isn't a getting older kind of thing, I have always been that way - driven to be in the moment that the past can be a bit like a blur.

26. I've gone skinny dipping in the Pacific Ocean.

27. Although I don't believe in god when I think about him I automatically see the Sistine Chapel.

28. When I was a kid I broke my hand sledding down a mountain in Big Bear on Thanksgiving. My dad didn't believe it was broken and had me go lie down - really he just didn't want to take me to the emergency room on the holiday.

29. I have learned that although I don't like to do certain things it is usually better to just do them rather than worry about not doing them.

30. I love licorice. Red or Black.

31. I am not happy in the laid back casual have a good time kind of way, but rather the earnest seeking good kind of way.

Photo is of my and my mom's mom, she lived with us when I was little and apparently fell asleep in an upholstered chair with a lit cigarette when she was babysitting me. I suffered from smoke inhalation - she was moved to a nursing home shortly after.

41 Things You Might Not Know About Me Part 2

Did you learn anything you didn't already know yesterday? Well here is 11 - 21 more things about little old me!

11. My first dog was named Jubilee's Midnight Madness. She was a chocolate lab that I didn't know how to train or handle. She ate the legs off my parents dining room table. Oops!

12. I used to teach Journaling as a Life Tool in San Francisco to adults and children.

13. My daughter was conceived in Hawaii. We landed with no hotel, transportation, or anything lugging surfboard and luggage to a hotel in Waikiki where they gave us the "honeymoon" suite. We weren't married, just there to play in the surf and sun and apparently make babies.

14. My first job was at Knott's Berry Farm taking photos - I kind of liked it.

15. I worked at Taco Bell for one day. If you knew what you were eating you wouldn't eat it.

16. I was baptised Unitarian, Mormon, & Christian and lived with Catholic nuns - for someone who isn't all that into religion I am really into religion.

17. My mom was diagnosed as Manic Depressive when I was 7 or 8 at the state hospital in California. Her lifelong psychiatrist saved her from a life of torment and pain - she was diagnosed at the beginning of the wave of research on depression/bipolar disorders.

18. I paid off my student loans when I was 39 years old.

19. I prefer salty to sweet.

20. Saying yes to things has opened amazing doors for me.

21. There are two people from my childhood I wish I could find to say I was sorry too.

 

Photo of me pregnant with our beautiful daughter. Love the stripes!

41 Things You Might Not Know About Me Part 1

Since I recently turned 41 I thought this would be a good time to share a few things you MIGHT not know about me. If you do, well, you should count yourself amongst the few lucky ones!

1. I had a rabbit growing up named Bernard. He was a dwarf cutie who didn't get held enough because, like most kids, I lost interest. What were my parents thinking when I said I wanted a bunny?
2. I had to go to special PE in 1st Grade because I was pigeon toed. I remember that I was pulled out of class and got to play with all kinds of equipment and toys that other kids didn't get to play with while I worked one-on-one with the PE teacher. I didn't really care that I was pigeon toed, but they sure did.
3. I was on a team that worked to get the Olympics to San Francisco - we failed, but it was exhilarating.
4. I've never been to Canada.
5. I Google my own name every few months to see where I end up. Yeah, I am that self involved.
6. I pretty much worship our dog, Zeppelin, to my daughters complete consternation.
7. I left high school at the beginning of my 11th grade year. No one tried to stop me. No one even seemed to care. Odd.
8. I taught myself to tell time on an analog clock when I was 18. I am a girl of the digital age, baby.
9. I have been working on a Mac since the first Apple IIE entered our house and I fell in love with the game Cranston Manor and writing code to draw pictures.
10. There isn't anything that I won't try to cook. I have no fear in the kitchen - I figure if I can read I can cook.

Photo: Me with the Rowdy Beaver this summer in Basin Spring Park.

Drop It

Last night while doing dishes, well, I was making the best oven fried onion rings while my husband was trying to keep up with the torrent of mess I was making, he shared that I seemed to have great coping skills and that he didn't have those skills.

I said, "sit, write, drop it."

Which sounds so easy and flippant, but really the words drop it are probably my most used lately. Not out loud, but internally.

When I feel myself getting caught up in something or some emotion is washing over me I just sit for a moment with that feeling and then literally say, "drop it" to myself.

What do I mean by "Drop It"? Really stop holding onto the feeling, thought, emotion, idea, frustration, anger, etc. that is bugging me and drop it. Let it go as fully as I can. Holding onto those moments only cause incredible stress in my mind and body and if I can - even for just a moment - let them go I can move onto the next thing that is really happening right in front of me.

It isn't easy.

I have to continue to practice because I get caught up in things all too easily. My mind is a great storyteller of what I think is happening instead of a great viewer of what is really happening.

Where did I learn this? Probably mostly from reading Pema Chodron and Cheri Huber and the countless Buddhist writers I move towards. I have no formal teacher, but am ok with that right now. I just keep learning from the big kids and don't have to devote myself to any one school - which I don't think I would be able to do anyway.

I am no expert. I keep learning and practicing every single day. But what is interesting is that my husband noticed. He sees it working through/in me. Not that he is committed to practice it too, but he sees that it could/might work for him and others. Just knowing that was nice because sometimes it isn't all that easy to just "drop it."

(The onion rings were to die for!)