I often tease that I was raised by wolves (even funnier to me when you know my last name is Wolven). Well, last night at about 4AM when the moon was shining brightly into my window I was thinking about what that meant and what it has done to my vision of my adult world.
I think it helps to understand that my mom was an undiagnosed bi-polar, this was before anyone knew that was a thing. She was hospitalized shortly after I was born, but came home and lived with us until I was 6.
My earliest memory was of laying under the coffee table with my silky purple paisley blanket to take a nap at the age of 3. My mom couldn't find me and I vaguely remember hearing her call my name. I didn't respond and fell to sleep. The story she told, which I do not remember, is that she went all over the neighborhood looking for me. She was sure I had left. I don't know what happened when I woke up, but I can guess that she was completely out of her wits - as any mom would be if they thought their child had wondered off.
The difference here, for me, is that I think I was under the coffee table to find a place of safety that no one else could get into. It was a small space and one that only I fit into. I think my mom took up a lot of emotional and physical space. She did when I was older and I can only imagine that the same was true if not worse when I was younger. Especially sense she was not diagnosed until I was closer to 9 years old. She was just living her own personal nightmare.
And I was in it with her.
What I think that has done is caused me to be hypersensitive to other people's crazy behavior. It used to take me a long time to recognize it. I thought it was normal for people to yell at you, tell lies about you, manipulate you, spin out of control. I didn't like it but I thought it was what people did.
It took years of personal work to see that I both am attracted to that kind of crazy and need to stay away. The work developing my own boundaries has been ongoing. The attraction is hard to explain to people who crave normal, but I think it is like peeling a scab. You know you shouldn't, but you are compelled to keep doing it. It is the same with people. I know I should back far away, but there is something inside that wants to just reach out. Every time I do, though, is not a good moment.
So, I am learning. I am learning to let that feeling go. I am learning to sit with my uncomfortableness in situations where people aren't the most balanced. I am learning to not take everyone's actions personally. I am learning to unlearn what I learned at 3 years old. Hard work? You bet, but the most satisfiying I have ever embarked on.
Photo Credit: This is me in my sailor suit with my mom at my 3rd or 4th birthday party.
