MoxieLife

Silent Retreat, the interview & last thoughts - part 4

After I slept that horrible sleep of the guilty (balloon popper and mouse mind) I woke at 5:30 to greet the sun. We sat, had a silent breakfast, sat, and then we had interviews with Joy. Throughout the morning and afternoon she met with those that were interested for a brief interview/session with her to see how it was all going. One by one people walked out to the bench she was sitting on at the far edge of the pond.

The Interview

As I sat down we discussed any things rather then detail the conversation here are some excerpts - I warn you that this a bit hippy dippy, but here it is:

When people say "they'll pray for me" or express their path with Jesus I can choose to see that as lovingkindness. I can choose to believe that they don't have the words/vocabulary/cultural ability to just say that they care for me and wish me well. That in their cultural reference they are expressing those things the best they can. I can choose that or I can choose to flip them off.

By constantly defending my version of reality I am missing the show - I am only seeing it through the narrow hole of "the atheist" not as the person experiencing life with other people.

She suggested that there might be extreme trauma from my mother that I am carrying - my mother did experience and inflict extreme trauma. And that might have caused my adrenal gland to either be smaller than others or to just race to flight or fight quicker.

We talked about my position as a defender - a warrior. That perhaps always being prepared for battle - to defend - shuts down that capacity to love. It is hard to love when you are covered in armor.

She said that Stephen Levine would call me an Orthodox Atheist, which by her account, is a hard path - the path of the skeptic. The hard part is to not be zealous, not to have rigid thinking and to find the strength to know but also to love.

My 40th Thing

She said my 40th thing (on my 40/40 Challenge) would be "Releasing dear Jack Frances to his own energetic resonance, and the need to defend that space "for "daddy." - What does that mean? To not defend his way of thinking - to let him go - and to experience life as it is happening. If you are interested I'll share more about that.

And then we sat, ate, sat, shared in a circle and dashed out to our cars as it started to pour for the journey home.

The Way Home

All the way home my friend Kath and I chatted. We talked about the weekend, what we thought, we laughed. It was great. The funniest part is that the two women that I didn't like she also didn't like - on sight. We never talked about it. It was just instinctual. We laughed because we never did find the shower and after 3 days we were pretty ripe. We could have asked, but were to busy sitting silently to think about it. As Kath would say, "all I was asking for was a clean crotch." Amen sister! Amen.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. It was fantastic and completely jumpstarted my sitting practice at home. Can't wait to share the next time with you - better yet, come along!

Silent Retreat, where she kicks herself - Part 3

So, we had our little Dharma Q&A and then we had dinner, sat, did a zen walking practice, metta practice, and then off to bed.

Here is my account of that lovely evening - or where I was standing in the river: Terrible nights sleep. Woke up once, just woke up at 1:30 am. Fell back to sleep. Woke up in a complete panic. I had heard or thought I had heard a noise in the room. A mouse, or worse, a snake (my husband later reminded me that a snake makes no noise). I woke up and sat straight up in the bed - I was so scared that I could see the lenses of my eyes. The force of my sitting up gave me the sensation of seeing behind my eyes. Such fear. I listened intently and then dug deep within my covers.

The thoughts turning around in my head kept me awake and churning. I was angry at myself for deflating the room yesterday. They were all so bouyed up by their beliefs. It was if I was a balloon popper - coming into the room with my rational thinking needle to stick into thier thought bubbles.

And in that there is both a sense of regret and pleasure.

Again, is it more important for me to be right or defend my rightness then for myeslf and others to be happy? (Oh, that damn constant theme.)

Isn't it enough to have a strength in my foundation? To walk my path and to let that be a testament to who I am. Why do I, just like the televangelist, feel the need to prostelysze my point of view (my story).

Granted, we all know that I have the belief that religion ruins everything. I also know it is the practice of religion that ruins everything. But my need for stark order and practices does not negate the need of others to drum, dance, praise, or chant. A reminder that everyone is in a different place in the river.

I, myself, have danced, chanted, drummed, and now in my own personal evolution I just want a practice that is nothing. A mirror of my belief that there is essentially nothing.

And then the idea that although they may have been appalled at my lack of generosity of their particular belief system - I am not the Balloon Popper. I am just another voice on their evolutionary ride down the spiritual river. (Mustn't think I am "all that".)

Heady stuff - bourgeois really. To have the option to think these inane things in the middle of the night - so privileged. So fortunate. So scary, at the time.

More tomorrow on the last and final day - with some, hopefully, funny experts.

Silent Retreat, where she talks - Part 2

When I left you last I had just gone to bed in the cob "Castle" at Wattle Hollow. I woke at 6:00 am. I had set my cell phone alarm to wake me - figuring that I am not used to getting up in the dark. The person who had signed up to sound the gong did so at 6:30am. It was a strange break in the silence of the morning.

I brushed my teeth on the little porch outside of my room, quickly got dressed, and made my way to the main hall. We sat, silently, outside on the deck, benches, or chairs littered around the pond. The sun had peeked up and was silhouetting the trees - a perfectly quiet morning only becoming undone with the burst of gunshot every now and then.

At 8:00 we ate, silently, a beautiful meal of hot cereal, toasted nuts, Greek yogurt, muffins - really more food than needed. After our meal we sat for 30 minutes and then walked for 30 minutes - followed by sitting for 30 minutes (I think you are getting the hang of how this went.)

Joy, the teacher, asked us to write about a part of our body that we had divorced (my stomach), someone we weren't sure loves us unconditionally (some of my friends), and a yucky situation (family stuff).  We then explored our Persona/Mask with the three following ideas: What are we defending, promoting, or augmenting? Our ego is constantly working to do one of the three.

Then: yoga, lunch, hiking, sitting and then the open dharma question and answer period - one of the few moments where we talked.

During the Q&A I was physically irritated by the airy fairy bullshit that was being tossed around - my chief debater wanted to come out. I had known that I should not have stayed for this session, it was optional, but I know that sometimes people ask a question that you are ruminating. That isn't what happened though. When the members of the group started speaking about their affinity for this new age practice, or that new age author I was just ill. Granted, there were two in the group that I immediately did not "like" when we met at our arrival. They just rubbed me the wrong way and I was trying to avoid being near them - and as is the way of the universe they were the most vocal during this session.

Finally, I spoke that, in my home, we believe that Buddhism is just a practice to being here and that the religion - any religion - is only a story that we tell ourselves to understand the practice. There is no afterlife, no god, no great redeemer, just us telling ourselves stories to make sense of what is happening around us.

Joy then asked me questions about my beliefs and said my version of Buddhism was more akin to Zen - just the practice to practice. She then asked how I felt about sharing that, and I said quite fine.

And I was until that evening. More later.

Thoughts from Wattle Hollow - Part 1

As part of my 40/40 Challenge I did a 3 day silent meditation retreat at Wattle Hollow with Joy Fox. It was given to me by my friend Kath (who I realized after this weekend she prefers to be called instead of Kathy - and I have known her 4 years.) She went with me and like me had never done anything like this before.

We arrived in the evening and it was quite dark - it is a 1.5 hour drive from our house. After going down the dark road we promised each other that if at anytime we want to escape we would just grab each other and go. When we got there Joy wasn't there - she was running her helper back to town. Ken, a nice man from De Queen tried to show us where we were staying, but he wasn't familiar with the surroundings either. We finally found our spot, dragged our crap to our rooms, and went to the main hall to wait.

Because it was dark we didn't really see where we were or what the surroundings looked like. It was the smell that hit me first. It smelled exactly like East Wind. For those who know me, I lived in an intentional community in 1999 and there is a distinct smell to communal, organic, hippie living - and Wattle Hollow captures that essence. It isn't a bad thing - it is a mix of Nag Champa incense, tea, brown rice, and the earth. All good things - but distinctive.

As we waited others who were going to spend the next three days in silence with us arrived. Joy came in as we were sitting on the deck overlooking a very black pond. She introduced herself and we gathered to eat and chat with the group. A beautiful organic vegetarian meal was provided - Joy did all of the cooking. It was the last meal we spent talking.

After we had cleaned up we signed up to do a bit of shared work over the weekend - I signed up for kitchen help Saturday night. Then Joy led us through what to expect over the weekend. These were brief instructions that would be expanded upon over the course of the weekend. We then took vows of silence as we sat on cushions on the floor. After a brief sitting session (30min), we did a brief walking mediation, and then we were off to bed.

The teachings were primarily Vipassna in the school of Jack Kornfield. All familiar to me and I was grateful for this moment to be able to practice them with a teacher who had been doing this 30+ years. Joy, like her name, is a complete joy to be with. Gracious, kind, funny, energetic, sensing, and rich with experiences. Not only did I feel completely at ease, but I looked forward to the next day. A day that would come quite early when the gong rang at 5:45am.

More tomorrow.

What are you talking about?

I am off to do part of my 40/40 Challenge - I am doing a silent retreat starting this evening through Sunday afternoon. I am looking forward to sinking into the quiet. Life has been busy and constantly a dance. Here are the top three things we have been talking/thinking about at the GoodWolve Household.

• Is there really any meaning to life or are we all just making it up? If we don't believe in God or a higher power type of thing - what is our purpose? Is it all just biology and we are serving out our functions?
• Do families of more than one child really give enough energy and time to all of the children? Are you building a tribe? Is there any reason, now that we don't live communally, to have more than one or any children?
• When do you feel like you have had enough? There is always another thing that you "need". When does that end? When have you upgraded for the last time? With so many blogs really just about acquiring things, showing you pretty things, or displaying things it seems a bit shallow - or am I just grumpy about not having all those things?

These were three of the conversations that we had over the last week. What are you talking about? Or join the conversation and tell me your opinion.

A day of peace

I have never really paid much attention to Veteran's Day. My family was very peace oriented and didn't want to "celebrate" war. Now before you all jump on me for being unloving of those that serve and die - my father was a veteran of the Korean conflict. He enlisted to get out of his small town and gain access to an education. If he wasn't a pacifist before he left for duty he was when he came back.

In fact, he never talked about serving. He would never say what he did, saw, or felt about it. To him it was an ends to a means - a poor kid trying to get a better start in life.

When he came back and the Vietnam war came into view - he was one of the early protesters in his suit and tie. He knew the horror of war and didn't want any other young man (at the time it was just men) to fight the battles of governments whose cause wasn't exactly clear.

So, needless to say, Veteran's Day and Memorial day were nothing more than days off from school.

I know that the shift has been made where we thank those who serve/served for what they sacrifice. And I do. I just think that there needs to be the realization that it is still poor kids who are fighting these unscrupulous battles. They come from Arkansas, New Mexico, Mississippi - and the countless neighborhoods where money is always tight. They want to make a difference in their lives and the military gives them that chance - but at what cost. Why are we sending our poor to fight wars that have no real end in sight.

I wonder if we would continue to do this if everyone was required to serve. If all of our sons and daughters had to go into conflicts that are less than exemplary would we be there?

An unexpected Good Living Prize

Last night, like the old people that we have become, we were watching 60 Minutes. A show that I don't particularly like, but it beats football! As you are all familiar Andy Rooney is the last segment and he did something I didn't think would ever happen - he said no to more war. He used his moments to talk about how Veterans day could be used to focus on peace rather then war. He chose to highlight the fact that 8 of his fellow high school classmates had died in World War II; a tragedy and a loss to every family.

So, the Goodman Wolven Prize for Good Living goes to Andy Rooney. Granted, he won't ever know he won, but giving it makes me proud to honor his frank request on national TV for peace.

The New Little Rock 9 - Health Care in Arkansas

I live in a state where the federal government had to force the people to integrate. The brave souls of the Little Rock 9 had to walk through a crowd of people who were jeering, yelling and displaying rage and hate. Their act is considered one of the most important features of the civil rights movement and it happened in a place where the majority of the people didn't want it to happen. They were forced to be fair.

Knowing that I look at the landscape of people shouting about health care and I wonder if this is a similar case. A case where the people will need to be forced to do the right thing. My senators are both reluctant to vote for health care, even though a large percentage of our states population are already on some form of federal health care system (AR Kids, Medicare). They are afraid that those that oppose the "right" to health care won't vote for them and that their jobs will be lost over this decision. I say that they need to stand up and do the right thing and that sometimes the people need to be forced - an unfortunate thing, but one that has been proven in our states history.

We all have the opportunity to be on the right side of this debate and go down in history as a people who cares for the whole - or we can stand on the sidelines and shout hatred. The choice is ours to make - or it will be made for us.

Quick Catch Up - Life after Halloween

Sometimes life seems to get in the way of things you want to do. Like write here. Last time I wrote here was before Halloween so here is a quick catch up of all my shenanigans.

Water, Water Everywhere: On the Thursday prior to Halloween I went to deliver a pie to book club. I knew I couldn't stay because they had predicted flash flooding and I live over a low water bridge that floods even if there is just a slight downpour. Instead of dashing back from the pie delivery I stayed to eat a quick bowl of soup. In that 45 minutes I drove home only to see a raging river swallowing up my driveway. As I cried on my cell phone to my husband on the other side that I just wanted to get home I knew my fate was sealed and I would have to find refuge at a friends and hike into our property from the back side in the morning.

Spooky: Then came Halloween, we finally were able to cross our bridge after my husband spent three hours digging out the gravel that had gotten wedged into the culvert pipe. I donned my Roller Derby costume and headed out to White Street to give out candy to over 600 children. Only the mom's and the creepy men knew what I was - so much for pop culture. As I stood there in my pink roller skates looking down from the porch I realized that I was over the idea of handing out candy to strangers. My daughter, who is 19 and off at college, is well past the point of trick or treating and I live in the country and come into town to do this. And for the last three years it has been OK, but now I realize that there is an ending to all things - a natural evolution. My time for trick-or-treater's has reached that end. Sorry to say it had to end in a costume resembling a sex worker on skates, but that is just the way it is.

All In My Head: I am irritated by the health care debate, stop talking about it and just do it. I am unhappy that the "new conservatives" have gained momentum and swallowed up a few elections. I am frustrated that I am rushing through things rather than taking the time to enjoy them. I am reading the Lost Symbol by Dan Brown (would be nice if Bible literalists would read it too). I found my Meyers-Brigg and I am an INFJ (the smallest percentage of the population) - Interesting.