MoxieLife

So, you want to run the Amazing Race.

Thursday night I saw a tweet by the local CBS newscaster saying that there was going to be an Amazing Race casting call in Fayetteville, AR on Saturday. I went to the site, downloaded the 14 page application and waited for my husband to get home. When he came in, all dirty and sweaty from laying a bamboo floor I jumped up and down (literally) and told him I wanted to do something so crazy but I wanted to do it like a five year old wants a new toy.

"I want to audition for the Amazing Race."

"OK"

I couldn't believe it! I was SO excited. So, I told him that we would fill in the application Friday night and then head over there Saturday morning around 8:30am.

The next day I did some research on the casting director, interviews with other people who have gone to a casting call and what to expect in general. Printed out the forms and waited for my husband to get home from work. Oh, and I told a BUNCH of people in town that we were applying - sometimes I think in order to do something you have to tell people because that makes you accountable. Plus I was jumping up and down excited.

Friday night we sat and filled out the application. We each had to fill out our own - and the questions weren't simple fill in the blanks. Things like: What was your greatest disappointment with your partner? How did you resolve it? What famous person does your partner remind you of (Brad Pitt - because he is both Midwestern and a philanthropist and great dad). What three adjectives describe you (moxie, smart and excited, duh.) What do you hope to learn from doing the race?

I knew that it was a relationship question - so, I said: We have been together for 20 years and our entire lives were focused on our daughter. After she left we were left staring at each other with no clue as to what to do. Instead of getting closer we separated for six months and I was devastated a the thought that I had lost my best friend and partner. My hope is that this race could bring us closer and test our commitment to one another to continue for the next 20 years.

So, we filled out the forms, took a photo of ourselves, and went to bed.

Really, I am just thrilled that my husband wanted to apply with me. Six months ago we were barely speaking - he would never had said yes to this. I am just tickled that we are back to having fun, hoping for a future, and planning our next adventure! I feel like I have already won!

More tomorrow about how the casting call went!

Quick Friday thoughts.

It has been a busy week in our little Ozark homestead - here are a few highlights that have made my life ever more exciting.

• It is a heady feeling when a body you respect takes a little peek into your world. Thanks to the UUA for covering our little blog conversation.
• Tomorrow my husband and I are going to be trying out for The Amazing Race at an open call in Fayetteville. I just found out about this yesterday so we are scrambling to get the huge application filled out and create a 3 minute video. We have never done anything like this, but every time we watch that show we just know we could do it. Plus, just trying out seems like great fun. Wish us luck!
• My daughter seems to be readjusting to college life after the summer off - hoping for a great year for her and limited calls with inconsolable tears. I asked a friend who's daughter is 22 when/if the parenting ends - she said never.
• Learned today that once you reach 60 you no longer need to have a PAP smear - had no idea. That really is the end of an era!
• Am still reading Age of Reason - I think if that were published now it would be burned in front of churches. Heady stuff!

And that's it. More next week! Enjoy your weekend and thanks for stopping by. Wish I could get you a glass of tea!

Paine in the early morning.

I am telling you my head is reeling. I woke up at 3:45am to my dog barking at bunnies out the window and I just couldn't get back to sleep. I am reading Thomas Paine's The Age of Reason and my head was swimming in his language that is as relevant today as it was in 1794. We are still struggling, in this country with the ideas of deism, reason, free thinking and the institutions of religion.

Then I started thinking about prayer and what that means to me. I, too, hold thoughts for people who are suffering or are in need. I hope the best for them - that the outcome is one that they can handle. I am not praying to anyone, but those quiet thoughts could be thought of as prayer by some. What are the words for being reverent in relationship with others?

Then I was wondering if prayer works - in all of its forms. There are over 16,700,000 "does prayer work" entries for that topic on Google. Obviously people are thinking about the idea.

Then I was thinking about quantum physics, which is beyond me in so many ways, and the idea of all things being present at all times and that all things are energy. SO, if we are showing intention through our thoughts and words are we able to guide the process through scientific properties... or is it all hooey.

Obviously, I have no answers. Reading Paine I was taken by his idea that he believed in God. But that God could not have come from the fabricated ideas that are part of the Christian, Jewish, or Islamic tradition - that these are oral stories not to be trusted to be written accurately. He believed only he (and each of us) can have direct connection with that force that is God. There is no story attached to it. That shakes my very idea of what God is. I am still to trapped in the idea of God being a fabrication of the Christian/Pagan tradition - that those stories have meaning. But maybe he is right and they don't, but that doesn't mean that there isn't God.

Heady thoughts for 3:45am.

Please stop praying in Taco Bell and at my UU church.

While driving to my husbands orientation for his first college class in years we were talking about the possibility of the UUA opening its arms wider to the Atheist - or the New Atheist. We wondered what it would look like if we took that group into our churches and celebrated what they have to offer.

Then my husband said, "they won't come if you continue to have muddled talks about god."

And he is right.

We won't bring in the exciting and vibrant branch of new Atheists that are out there because we are currently on a path towards muddled theism. We are trying to be watered down Christians, Buddhists, or other theist schools of thought... and because of that the Richard Dawkins crowd will not enter our doors.

What does that mean for us as UU's? I suppose we can create more made up rituals that feed someones need for ritual, we can say more "prayers" or "offerings" - or recreate rituals that we found comforting from other faith traditions. All of that leaves the Atheist out, but that might not be a problem that is of interest to the group as a whole.

My new question:

Would it bother me if it was Buddhist, Islamic, or even Pagan? - The knee jerk reaction is, yes - but the reality is no. I think my strong reaction to the God language that is being used in our Unitarian churches is because it comes from Christian theology.

I feel as if I am slowly living in a Christian country and I am offended by that. I am offended that the Christian doctrine, however it is interpreted, is seeping into every aspect of my life. As you know, I live in the South and in particular the Bible Belt and I am inundated with Christianity every day. We have schools that teach abstinence, Atheists can't serve in public office in Arkansas, dinosaur museums that preach creationism, families praying at Taco Bell, our Quorum Court prays each time it meets - the list goes on. My freedom to not practice religion is constantly affronted with small and large actions every day and that makes me uncomfortable. I am beginning to wonder how different we are to another religious State?

Personally, if our government would just declare us a Christian Nation (I know many have) and demand worship to that particular God I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable.

It is with the slow evolution of it that makes me nervous at every mention and why I am feeling the need to defend my right to participate in the church that I grew up in. My grasp of history is shaky at best, but I believe that ideas spread slowly and without care we could be marching to the same god - I do not want to see that happen.

And so, the UUA can continue down the path of muddled and watered down Christianity, but I think we are missing our opportunity to take a stand - one of openness to all - rather than some.

Is there no room in the UUA for an Athiest?

A blogger I respect although rarely, of late, agree with writes this:

"What does this mean for humanist UU’s? I think it’s possible for non-theists to accept that some spiritual force greater than ourselves calls us out of our individual concerns to do the work of growing, healing, serving, learning, celebrating, grieving and repenting."

on her blog.

I think it is a huge leap for members of my denomination to expect me to warp my view of both humanism and atheism to accept a "force greater" in our lives. If I were to suggest that they move their idea of God to the realm of fairy tale I think they would be offended. And so these two parties are supposed to gather together each Sunday - a difficult thing indeed.

For those not aware, I grew up Unitarian in Southern California. I was raised by humanists who did not believe in a god. I tried to believe in god for years - to fit in - but that just left me feeling more at odds with myself. In the 60's the Unitarians and the Universalists joined together. My father was never for that joining because he believed that the Universalist influence of heaven and god would water down his position of humanism. His church stayed a Unitarian church because they all felt that way.

I, though, have moved around the country and have experienced our congregations in the West, North & South and they are moving into a new age of spirituality - they are seeking to become a place where seekers covene. Which is fine except when they ask me to change my view... which I feel they would like very much.

During my daughters high school years she was very active in church - and we went every Sunday. Since she started college last year I have for a number of reasons stopped going. I like the people, but I can't get motivated to go. I asked her why we weren't going this summer when she was home and she said, "because they believe in god and we don't."

So, my question to my fellow UU's is why can't there be room for those of us who come from the long tradition of humanists? Why must we change to your needs? I am a second generation UU, my daughter a third and it feels like that might be the end of the line for our family. Is that ok with the UUA? Is that ok with you?

And she is off.

Today our Sparkly Girl goes back to school. It has been a tumultuous first year if there ever was (adjusting to college, 3 roommates, academic challenges, closing her department, an advisor who refused to advise, her first real job as a camp counselor in southern Arkansas, losing a grant, having to give all of the money she earned from that job to pay for college, the disappointment of not getting a car... the list goes on).

What I noticed though is that for all the ups and downs she reminded me that she is growing up - and I am so proud. She did so many things right - she got help when she needed it, she made great choices, she landed on her feet over and over.

I am lucky to be her mom and her friend and even if she came home covered in tattoos (not that we would ever advise such a thing) we would still love her and be proud.

To all of you with kids going off into the world - we are lucky to be part of their lives.

There is no secret meaning.

Can't a book just be a book?

Feeling too tight - or craving the authentic life.

I have been thinking about the idea of things feeling too tight - spinning to close to me. I have to, often, remind myself that I am not the center of the universe. When I start to obsess and not sleep over emails needing to be written, thoughts that need to be captured, conversations I need to have, letters to the editor I need to write, etc. I have to remember that I am not the axis point of all things - that life moves freely from me and, although hard for my ego, without me.

I feel like I have spent the summer running from one thing to the next - a common problem for me - without stopping to experience each moment. Just getting things done. There is something admirable about a person who can get things done, I guess, but as one with that "title" I can tell you that you lose the feeling of joy or the reason why you are doing the things in the first place.

So, as I think about my 40th Year I am beginning to see it unfold - I want to make time for all of the things that I know work to make my life richer. These things include: meditation, journaling, deep conversation, being with friends, not working 24/7 - working smarter, exercise - none of these things is new or revolutionary. I am not shaving my head or joining a spiritual community. I just want to commit to living my life more authentically and record that experience - and darn it, I want to experience it as it is happening.

I have 34 days until the actual day... so I can refine this concept even more.

Are you my tribe?

I was reading here about this amazing group of women who meet once a year for a weekend to regroup, rekindle, and reflect - and have a whole lot of fun. I commented that I was envious that she had found her tribe. She wrote back that it isn't to late to find your own.

But is it?

I am lucky I have the best women friends that I have ever had in my life. It started the year before we left San Francisco, I started to find great women to be friends with - not just acquaintances, but real friends. Our kids were getting older and we could do more together that wasn't so child centered and that created a different kind of friendship.

Then when I moved to our little hamlet in the south I found even more amazing women. Women who I can call when my heart is broken, who I can vent when things are going all wrong, who I can share recipes, craft and walk the track with. These are women who when they get sick, life isn't going right, or need anything I hope to be there.

But are they my tribe?

They are deeply thoughtful women. They have lived amazing lives. They are all a bit headstrong. I love all of that about them - but are they the ones who I will spark me on my new adventure - I don't know. See, most of them (now if they are reading don't get mad) are 20 years older then I am. That age difference doesn't matter a hoot when they are listening to me cry about my latest battle or loss, but I have this feeling that I need women my age who are ready to do the next thing with their life. Ready to jump start their next adventure... I don't have many friends my age. There are a few who just recently included me in their crafty fun and I am so happy to be there, but I still think I need that group who sparkles the imagination.

Maybe I am just looking a gift horse in the mouth and I just need to dream bigger with the amazing women who are in my life - and maybe I need to keep casting my net wider.

Any advice ladies?

Random Thought Thursday: guns in public, fighting friends, writing on the wall...

To prove that I am not totally narcissistic - well, not completely, here are some other thoughts that I have had throughout the last week. OK, they are all in relation to me. I can't help it.:

Guns in Public:

You may know that I have the irrational fear of being shot in public - I am sure I have mentioned it at sometime. It all stems from the first "random shooting" when I was a kid at a McDonald's in San Diego. I just couldn't imagine someone getting mad about their fry order and shooting someone. Anyway, I am often on edge in public places: the DMV, hospitals, the bank - anywhere that someone can get angry. Well, the shooting lastyear at a UU church in Tennessee was enough to be an issue for me returning to church. I just don't want to be in a place that could be seen as the object of someones hate. Now with the man in Arizona bringing a semiautomatic gun to a town hall meeting I am not sure how I feel about stepping out and speaking my mind in public. Doesn't anyone else see that by allowing people to have guns everywhere there are more chances of people getting shot - sigh.

Fighting Friends:

I know two people in my community who are currently using public forums to discuss what is essentially a neighbor problem. One friend feeds the deer and the other is trying to grow a garden. So, instead of talking to one another they are using our local government, forums, and paper to state their case. I know both of these women. I respect both of them. They both work very hard for the "right" thing for the community. I wish though that they would work together to find a solution as neighbors - rather then making it a public debate. The question is do I intervene or do I just watch it happen? Sigh.

Writing on the Wall

Our family lived at EastWind 10 years ago - an intentional community in Missouri and they had a "system" for airing opinions, grievances, talking, sharing called the Back Wall. This was a place that people posted constructive ideas as well as slander. At the time I felt it was probably the worst form of communication I had ever seen or experienced. It is so easy to write something rather than talk with someone. So, when we left I was so happy to have that out of my life. Well, 7 years ago we moved to a small town that has the equivalent of the Back Wall, an online forum where people rant and rave and share poor information. Sometimes it is useful, but for the most part I don't think that it moves the conversation forward. Sigh.