I admit that I have been a big dork. I was doing SO WELL! I was getting happier. I was enjoying life and then WHOMP I was feeling sorry for myself and looking for a violin player! What a total dork. Let me tell you how this downward spiral into pity got started.
Two weeks ago, on Mother's Day, my husband called to say that he would like to join us when we went to Silver Dollar City (a local amusement park) for Our Sparkly Girl's 19th birthday. First, I was stunned that he called and wanted to talk with me and secondly I was stunned that he wanted to go somehwere with us. Remember, I have not seen him sense January when he ran away screaming - quite literaly.
So, I said yes.
Then the wheels starting churning and I started to get anxious about the day. I quizzed all of my friends on what I should do, say, wear, etc. I was so nervous... all for naught. It was a fine day. There were some akward pauses, but basically it was fine. We are good friends and it was an easy companionship - nothing stressful about it. Granted, my motherly instincts went in when I saw that he had lost at least 50 pounds. Other then that it was a great day and we parted with a hug and a kiss on the top of my head with the promise to write weekly.
So, why the pity party?
Well, I started to think I couldn't be patient anymore. That I had had enough of this current situation. That I just wanted him home and because he wasn't I was sad and miserable. Well, let me tell you THAT is no fun to be around - ask my daughter!
So, I am officially ending this pity party. I am getting back on the "I am OK" bus and starting to relive my life. Sure, I miss him, but if he isn't ready to come home I can't sit around thinking I am a horrible failure with nothing to live for (see where this pity party leads!) I have a life and just one last time I looked so I better start living it.