A good friend is often wanting me to join her at our book club or other social events and have been begging off now for months. I haven't been going to church either for the past 4 months - not really wanting to socialize in large groups. I thought instead of just saying no I should figure out why I don't want to do these things, and I wondered if I was just avoiding people - not a good thing.
I think, for me right now, I am trying to not just fill up the empty time that I am alone with stuff. I am trying to not spend extraordinary amounts of time online, watching television, on the phone, with groups, shopping - whatever I used to do to avoid feeling or being with myself. To experience being alone or lonely is a new place for me - I met my husband at 20 and we have been with one another all that time. So, this is completely new to me - this being alone.
There is a different feeling - I don't feel lonely in a bad way - I feel calm and comfortable. I am meeting friends, walking, having friends over, but in small bits and pieces. There has not been a rush to invite people into my life or integrate myself into all the things that exist out there. Instead I am balancing my time with care.
I worry that if I rushed to fill every void with an event or occasion (which is easy to do) I would be missing the time I need to recharge - or just be silent. In fact, I wonder if that sense of quiet isn't missing with people all over - granted they don't need to do what I am doing, but wouldn't the world be a bit different if we weren't rushing around trying to fill ourselves up with experiences and people? I think we might be less hectic - at least I seem to be.
So for now, I choose wisely and carefully what I am doing with my time and how I am engaging with others and it feels great.
