MoxieLife

Would you rather be right or happy?

I am embarrassed to say, but in my life I would have rather been right than happy. Why? Why would I sacrifice my happiness to be more right? Why would I sacrifice my relationships to be righter then someone that I love? I don't know except that is what happens - I choose rightness over happiness.

Who's right anyway? There are facts, but even Einstein said there weren't any... they are all just interpretations. We are interpreting life by our filters and we filter somethings into right and somethings into wrong. Unfortunately, our right isn't any more right than someone's wrong.

So, what am I committed to? Am I committed to burying my heels in and being unhappy but right, or am I willing to see all the shades of an issue and concede that others can be right? I think that it makes more sense to be happy.

Life is very short and from my 39 years of experience being right is lonely.

So, the questions I need to ask myself in any moment are: "what am I committed to and is being right right now more important than the relationship". I can tell you that asking myself these questions in the heat of the moment - when I just KNOW I am right - is going to be like dragging a camel through mud, but if I can stop and think about it I just might choose being happy.

What about you? Would you rather be right or happy? Or is this just my freakish issue in life?

What describes your style?

I have been reading this book about creating your style statement. (OK men who might read this you can move onto something more interesting.) It is two words; the first word is 80% your style and the second is the 20% spice. I am having a difficult time even coming up with what my words would be.

And then it dawned on me. My mom used to say I dressed like a bag lady - no style. Yes, she actually said that. And my sister used to tell me how to dress when I was little - she was obsessed with not tucking in shirts.

I have zero confidence in my "style". I don't feel comfortable in any kind of clothes. I always feel like I am putting on a costume. I know I have written before about learning to dress like a grown up - and I think I am able to pass as a grown up, but I don't like those clothes. If I had my druthers my entire wardrobe would be filled with white t-shirts, jeans and either sandals or tennis shoes. Boring - and no style.

I also am not comfortable buying clothes because I don't know what I am supposed to wear - what if it all looks wrong. I am definitely not fun to shop with. I like sparkly things, but I would never wear them. I like hats, but that isn't my thing.

The closest I have come to my statement is: Naturally Down to Earth - but that makes me sound like a grainy granola hippy chick, which I am totally not.

For those interested: here are some of the statements:

Refined Treasure

Sacred Dramatic

Cherished Playful

Contemporary Flourish

Genuine Legacy

Simply Crafted

Current Sensual

What would describe YOUR style?

 

Mom.

Today marks my mother's 76th birthday. She passed away two years ago this May. I have moved to the place where I just miss her - no deep sadness, anger, or resentment. I just miss her and have a bit of regret.

I had stopped talking to my mom 6 months before she died. She was bipolar and had a tendency to be mean - never really wanting to be a mother and saw me often as competition for my fathers affection. Because I was tired of her rants I had stopped visiting and had only started to talk to her on the phone again around her birthday. She shared with me how she spent her day and I was so happy that she seemed happy.

I had, a month after her birthday, arranged to come over for dinner, but the night before we were going to go over to visit she fell and died. The call came at 3 in the morning from my dad. He seemed so sad, so lost. I couldn't believe that I had missed my chance to see her. Now I think that there was a reason - we had started to heal a bit over the phone if we had seen each other it might have not gone well and so we were both spared that.

Our relationships with our family are often tortured - or misunderstood. We are dealt players that are often at odds with who we are, but it is how we handle them that we move forward through life. There are things I could have done better, but because of that I have learned new skills to bring to other relationships.

She was an amazing lady and she is missed. Love you mom.

Weekend planting - flowers galore.

I spent the weekend planting bulbs and sowing seeds. I built a new flower bed and have plans to rebuild one more - then I can start on the vegetable garden! Here are some of the beauties I planted - can't wait until summer! So much better then dwelling on the impossible.

Black Eyed Susan



Both white and red Caladium


Dahlia




Canas - Eureka


Freesia


Gladiolus-Comet


Hollyhocks


Liatris


Calla Lily - Red


Zinnia

Another round with the Athiest Spokesperson.

I am not sure what it is to be an African American - but I think if you were the only one that people knew you would be asked all kinds of questions "as the representative of the entire group". I know that as the only Atheist that most people know I am asked all kinds of odd questions, as if I represent the entire range of Atheist belief. I have to say I feel like I fall short.

I don't know how all Atheists feel about being prayed for: personally I don't care. I would rather you don't tell me about it, but if you have to I'll just smile and say thank you. Your prayers are like the sweet invocation of good thought into the universe - which can't hurt anything.

Does it bother me that you want to "save me"? Yes, it does, but it might not bother other Atheists. I don't like the idea that you think I am less than - that I need to be saved from something. It makes our relationship a little odd - a little uneven.

Do I subscribe to the Super Atheist thought - such as Richard Dawkins? Well, some of his ideas are right on and others seem a bit off, but I think he has the right to feel the way he feels.

Does it bother me that religion is so predominate in our society? Yes. I wish we could keep our religious beliefs under wraps, although like Forrest Church I think we are the "religious animal". We aren't evolved enough yet to not need to cling to our religious beliefs and put them through every lens in society... so I am stuck with it and I just nod and smile (or maybe that is a grimace).

How can you not be afraid to die? I don't know if all Atheists aren't afraid to die? I have no idea what they all think about death - I just know it is as predictable as birth and we all do it so why be so frightened. Plus, it looks peaceful.

Do you really think that "faith based" charities shouldn't receive federal funds. Yes. If their mission is to proselytize - and most Christians are commanded to spread the "good word" - I feel that they shouldn't be given my tax dollars to spread that message. They may do GREAT work, but they shouldn't do it with state money - the privileged of living in a society that allows expression of religious freedom is that you have a separate church and state.

How did you feel when Obama said we weren't a Christian nation? I jumped for joy - or at least I smiled widely. I love that he recognizes we are a Civic nation filled with religious and non-religious citizens. This is a huge leap from our past president praying for guidance. I appreciate his sensibility and that he has made room in our nation for people like me.

Your Athiest Spokesperson signing off.

Refocusing one more time.

I just got off the phone with a great friend and I realized that in the last several days I have been focused on the wrong thing. I have been frustrated and angry that I am alone which is fine, but it doesn't change the fact that I am alone. Not only that it makes me feel tired, cranky and unmotivated. So, a bit of refocusing is in order.

What can I not change: I can't change that I am alone.

What can I change: What I do with my time now that I am alone and where I am going now that I am alone.

So, what CAN I be doing instead of feeling frustrated and angry? Well, I can finish my skirt that I am embroidering, I can plant my bulbs, I can make plans to get new running shoes this week, I can start painting the huge canvas that is destined for the office, I can continue to sit & write, I can cook fabulous dinners for myself, I can relish this time alone as the gift it is. After 20 plus years of being with family constantly this is a rare opportunity and I lost sight of that.

Yes, it is understandable to be frustrated and angry with the current situation, but what does that get me? Nothing. In fact, I lose power and energy to the anger. I sleep more, I feel gloomy, and my energy is consumed by the anger. That is not the life I want to live.

So, today I refocus. I am sure that I will have to continue to refocus, but every time I do I just get clearer and clearer.

Love, vampires, and the ultimate pleasure.

I watched Twilight last night after procrastinating about it for over a week. I just wasn't sure I wanted to commit to two hours of vampire movie, but I am glad I did. It isn't the best movie, but it was everything a vampire movie is supposed to be; filled with tension, love, passion, violence, and innocence.

It got me thinking about all of the other vampire fiction and films that I have consumed over my lifetime. I had an early fascination with Dracula as a kid - I did a report on him during my third grade summer for fun. I loved the violence and the mystery that surrounded him, but what I really think I loved was the idea of being consumed by another. At 8 I didn't know that, but now I do.

The fascination for women with vampires seems to me about the idea of having that unending passion with another - something both terrifying and yet amazingly satisfying. We don't have that in our everyday lives. In fact, most of our lives are rather dull and lacking. And although romance novels could squelch that need I think it is the violence and the tension between that which is impossible to have and wanting the impossible that draws us to vampire stories.

The line that reflects that most is when he says the lion is drawn to the lamb. - Ok it doesn't hurt that vampires are played by ridiculously beautfiul people.

Although everyone will tell women that drawing towards that which is wrong for us (wrong in so many ways) is not where healthy strong relationships lie - some of us have a weak spot for the mysterious or forbidden. If we fulfill that with a vampire or two no harm - with real men, well, there is probably real danger.

I have loved many vampires in my life: Dracula, Lestat, Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys... which have you loved? Here is a great Vampire Movie list for the uninitiated.

What am I doing, wanting what I have, and the metaphor of Easter.

I am slowly finding my focus - thanks for all the great suggestions. I do think it involves staying active and I also think you have to remember what you are doing in the first place. I tell people in business to focus on what their goals are all the time, but I suppose I forgot what I was doing. I needed to remember that I am gaining clarity (even when it seems I am stuck in the mud), regaining my balance (even when rugs are pulled out from under me), and designing my response system (much different then my reaction system). These are big things.

I have been reading Love and Death by Forrest Church and his motto:

Want what you have. Do what you can. Be who you are.

seems just about perfect.

I am a big believer in wanting what I have. I am not much of a craver - little things, but if I let the craving pass it just dissipated. I am most often grateful for the smallest of things in life - I suppose this came easily after my brothers death over 20 years ago. You realize that life really is short and liking what you have is so much easier then wanting what you can't possibly get. It is also probably a reflection of growing up lower middle class in a world of money - I just KNEW I wasn't going to get more so why feel as if I didn't have enough... just like what you did have. It just made life easier.

More later on doing and being!

Until then I hope you are relishing in your Good Friday - granted it leads to the ultimate death scene, but there is great salvation in that - I like to think of it as a metaphor for each day - the sun dies and is reborn each morning allowing us one more day on this beautiful temporary planet.

Out of focus.

Do some days seem like you are just coasting through? I haven't felt really connected to my life for over a week. It seems that each day is just floating by and I am going through the motions. I think it is the overload of circumstances, but really I need to get back in gear.

What do you do to refocus or get back on track?

Have you "caught" UUism?

Our church is something that is caught - this was something said over on Chalice Spark. She is writing about the hard job of being a religious educator at a Unitarian Universalist church and something about what she and the commentators are talking about resonated with me.

"It is sometimes hard to get across the idea that you really need to be there every Sunday to get the full experience"

I have been tremendously delinquent from church since winter. Last fall our Sparkly Girl went off to college and I just didn't make room in my life for church. Then I started to pick and choose which talks I wanted to hear. Then I didn't want to go because I didn't want to either share about my life or not share about my life - it is a small town and one piece of gossip can fly like the wind. So, I haven't gone.

When our daughter was small I taught Sunday School for a number of years at our church in San Francisco. The RE was a glorious woman who worked so hard to accommodate all of our "free spirits" - by this I mean the crazy parents, not the kids. She did a great job and I had tremendous fun planning and sharing with the kids each Sunday. It was a large congregation with a full RE and so we never had to worry about a class happening. At the time I never thought of that as a blessing, but now I see that it was.

After moving to Eureka Springs we participated in Sunday School in a much smaller congregation and from 7th - 10th grade it was a full house. Lots of kids learning with Al - who was such a great sport about designing curriculum around their interests. (one year it was Spong, then world religions... good stuff). Then in 11th grade kids lost interest or just didn't want to go anymore and it was just my daughter and Al every Sunday. They met in a coffee shop and read the religion section of the paper together. I think she loved every moment of it - I hope he knows how much it meant to us to have another adult interested in her spiritual life.

Now, a good friend of mine is trying to keep Sunday School alive in our little congregation - there are a few families who sporadically come and go, but she is having a very hard time keeping it together. The odd thing is that the families bring their children to Sunday School, but do not stay for church - so there is no connection to the congregation and the commitment seems to be waning.

So, what is it about our denomination and our lack of committment to stay in the game and go the long haul? Why do we so easily give it up? What does that say about us as a group and us as parents that we forgoe this so easily? I guess I am wondering why it isn't important enough to commit to.