Years ago, maybe when my daughter was 13 (she is 18 now) I had this idea that everything that caused me pain or frustration was because I wanted something my way. I didn't act on it, but it has been floating in my mind for a while. It was just lately that I have begun to realize how true that is. Here are two scenarios where I see that happening - see if you can identify.
Scenario One
I want my husband to take out the trash. In fact, it is all I can think that he should be doing RIGHT NOW. I ask him. Then I ask him again. Then I just feel frustrated and angry that he isn't doing this. Isn't it OBVIOUS that the trash needs to be taken out. How stupid can he be that he can't see that.
But wait - I WANT the trash taken out. I WANT it taken out right now. I WANT him to want it. I WANT him to understand why it is so important to me.
Solution - Instead of wanting HIM to take out the trash right now I can either ask and let him do it when it works for him OR I can take it out right now. Both of those cause me NO PAIN. There is no suffering for me and I don't act out on him - creating peace.
Scenario Two
My daughter is always running late for Sunday School (this is in the past!). It starts at 10 and I don't understand why she can't get up a half an hour before we go and be on time. I start waking her up at 9, then 9:15, then 9:30, then 9:45, then she finally pulls herself out of bed. In the mean time I am seething because I don't want her to be late for Sunday School. I don't want to be perceived as the lazy family. We drive to the church not talking and angry.
But wait - I WANT to be on time. I WANT her to want to be on time. I WANT to be seen as the responsible family.
Solution - Instead we could just be late. What will happen if we are late? Nothing. We would just be late and then she would learn what it was to be late and adjust her schedule on her own. My image doesn't have to be tied to her being late - creating peace.
Does any of this resonate for you? I think I am getting it. When I want an outcome that is just for me and I am fighting the current I am unhappy. I get small and angry and I feel as if I have to be right. In fact, I will try to be right more then I will try to seek peace. Being right seems to matter more - but it also causes me the most stress.
Of course there are things to fight for - but that idea of choosing our battles comes to mind. Fight for what REALLY matters. If I can give up fighting to get my way on a personal level I can focus more fully on those bigger issues.
