MoxieLife

Pizza, a Movie, and an Old Guy

Friday is Pizza and a Movie night at our house. We either make pizza (thanks to our handy breadmaker) or we get it from this great pizzeria in Holiday Island. Then we watch whatever odd thing comes in through Netflix. Since my mom died in May we have been including my dad in our little family festival of fun.

He loves the stimulation of getting out and being with family, but I think it may be really hard for him. He is 79 and has had a shunt placed in his brain, double knee surgery, takes a drug for his heart that makes him pee constantly, and is generally not in the best of shape. So, although he is sharp as a tack his body is failing him.

This is hard to watch. When I dropped him off I noticed that he had an accident (don't they regress or we deal with them like children) and because I know he prides himself on his dignity I just told him I loved him and I would talk to him tomorrow. This was something, I am sure, he would want to deal with on his own. Still, that akward moment came as I was getting into the car that is it my own aversion to aging or messiness that I can't just get in there and help or am I 100% sure he would be embarrased by that kind of attention.

As my husband said the other day, "this isn't going to get any easier." I believe he is right.

Oh the movie, for those who are interested, was Howls Moving Castle. An interesting Anime film that my Sparkly Girl saw at Governor's School this summer.

Oh something happier tomorrow. I promise!

Y R U UU?

That title is not the same thing as the YRUU youth movement. It is a, somewhat, lame attempt at being cute. I have been thinking a lot about why I am a UU. There are obvious reasons:

• I was raised Unitarian
• I have chosen to raise my daughter in the UU church
• I believe in the ideas and principals of the UU
• And a little subversively I like that we are a small, independent, & smart denomination

These are fine reasons to be part of a group or religious organization, but I think that there has to be a deeper reason. I do not, particularly, find my spiritual home in the UU tradition other then the idea that you get to choose your own.

My sister said the other day that she hated UU's. She, too, was raised as a UU, but she didn't raise her own children there. Even though she lives minutes from the church that my parents were part of starting in Anaheim. She has no room for the intellectual coldness that sometimes prevails within our denomination.

So, I am wondering why I and why anyone is and continues to be a Unitarian Universalist. This will be, I am sure, an ongoing subject for me as I search for deeper reasons within myself, within my small fellowship, and within the UUA.

Wanted: Constant Creativity Guru

I wish that I could be creative every moment of every day. That is what I do for a living. I sell my creativity and for the most part I am successful at being creative for my clients, but there are spells when it just isn't working for me. Usually it is when I am inundated with work and have to push out projects one after the other. One project will always stump me, just stop me in my tracks!

There are many clients that would be ok with the status quo, but I never feel comfortable with that. I want to push envelopes, develop brands, and design compelling solutions. God, I even sound like a commercial for my services!

What is it really though? What blocks the writer, the artist, the designer from creating the latest commissioned piece? Is it fear of failure, is it procrastination, or is it that there really aren't enough hours in the day to get anything worthwhile done?

Prior to moving to my small farm in the bible belt I taught creativity classes in an Adult Education settings. I was always astounded at how the most simple of ideas were new or innovative to professionals who never (or don't often) tap into their creative unconscious. It was motivating work for me. Something that I could give without being pretentious. It was fun.

Now, I sit in my home office and work 10-16 hour days trying to drag the creativity and the technology along with me. Perhaps it is because I work alone that I no longer have that community of support to feed off of. Doesn't that make the creative sound like a vulture!

So, I am looking at solutions. Ways to be more creative in less time, ways to manage projects in a way that works best with my life, ways to live more fluidly... and if you are holding those secrets maybe you can be my guru!

Or... even better maybe I should make available some of the tools I do have to the blog world... hmm... my own guru... or yours...

It is All in the Balance

I have been having difficulty lately wrapping myself around my schedule - my days and nights. I seem to be having trouble with self care, balance, and well being. There are so many things that I want to do, but I don't seem to find the time to do many of them. I work, scratch the dog, run an errand, talk on the phone, eat, and sleep. There isn't much self nourishing behavior there.

When I visualize my life I see myself working out, mediatating, working with my hands (sewing, drawing, playing), working, cooking, tending to the house and the family all with an incredible sense of calm – not the rushed feeling that seems to permeate every moment.

I am a Libra, and although I do not know much about astrology, I know that the concept of balance has always been a crucial part of my life. And the truth is I haven't had much of it. Perhaps that is the real lesson of the scales... getting in perfect balance is impossible and yet the striving for it is what it is all about. Oh, how philosophical of me.

Now, just give me the time to do the laundry, work, and walk 10,000 steps!

Helicopter Parents Anonomys

Hello, my name is Jacqueline and I am a Helicopter Parent. Yes, I hover over my daughter in the attempt to help her navigate through life with ease and little upset. Yes, I worry about her incessantly. Yes, I do not, and this may be the most important part of being an HP, trust anyone will keep her safe or care about her like I do.

Apparently, the Albany Times Union has this to say about us HP's,  "Yes, helicopter parent, your intentions are good, but that rotor of yours is causing a din. Bring her down to terra firma. Let's talk.

A report on "60 Minutes" last fall discussed how the so-called echo boomers -- the children of baby boomers, who were born between 1982 and 1995 -- are "over managed" and "very pressured" and treated by their parents as pieces of "Baccarat crystal or something that could somehow shatter at any point." NOTE: I am not a baby boomer. I am a GenX... when will they get that.

This all came up because I was listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS during the pledge week while I was working and he stated that he was not a helicopter parent. He was able to let his children go out into the world and not hover over them. What I kept waiting for him to say was that he was able to let his children fail. That would be a totally different thing... the willingness to allow them the chance to fail is almost unbearable. The willingness to see them get hurt nearly causes me to stop breathing.

I don't know what the 12 step program is for us HP's but I do know that this is my daughter's senior year and then she will be going to college and it is my intention to keep her safe but to also allow her to decide her destiny. However that may kill me.

Are You My Guru?

Yesterday at church we had a member speak about his experince at finding his Guru. He said he walked into a bookstore and a voice told him that there was a book there for him and it wasn't by a certain author and that would be his teacher. Well, ok he thought and he wandered around the New Age area and found himself drawn to the book by the founder of the Self Realization Fellowship.He became a follower and practitioner and continues to this day.

His wife, also known as his soul mate, then spoke about finding her guru. She went to see Amma in Texas and knew that her vision of embracing love was what she wanted to follow. She goes to see her when she comes on her yearly visit to the States to receive a hug from her.

When I lived in San Francisco I studied yoga at the Sivananda Yoga Center. And I studied Vipassana Meditation with Eugene Cash. We also spent a lovely New Years Eve at the Brahma Kumaris Center.

But both of those activities were not to find a guru. They were to learn techniques that they were experts at. I have a slight aversion to giving myself over to a teacher, what I believe, so completely. I don't think I can trust someone so implicitly. Granted, that is my hang up and perhaps I am missing out, but after years of reading about the brainwashing that happens in cults and the manipulation of finances it would be hard to put that out of my mind completely. Remember the Maharishi in Oregon with his collection of Mercedes?

A part of me wonders though if I am missing out on the selfless love that I could tap into if I could only find my guru. I just need a voice to talk to me at Barnes and Noble and perhaps I would be on my way to being a follower instead of a seeker.
 

You Lookin' at Me Chick?

This very blurry shot is of one of our lovely ladies standing on the table outside looking at me on the inside. She is the most adventurous of the bunch. She will follow the car down the driveway, come running when you open the door, and jump up on anything to get a better view.

They, of course, have not produced anything but the joy of watching these prehistoric beauties chase after bugs and swirl in the sand.

I had researched raising chickens for over 3 years before I bit the bullet and went to the feed store in search of Brahma chickens. They are the one of the larger breeds and a kinder more gentle chicken. Which was incredibly important to me because I have an irrational fear of birds. It is the feet. They just seem so creepy. These ladies and our very handsome rooster are nothing but gorgeous and fun to watch.

My sister said she was watching one of the horrible animal rescue shows and they were rescuing an abandoned flock of chickens. The officer in charge of the rescue took them home because he, like me, believes that a farm just looks more like a farm with chickens.

Now, when they start laying we will be like a Dr. Seuss book with eggs coming out of our ears, but until then I will just relish in their circus abilities, fantastic bug eating skills, and the pure joy of their search for the perfect place to take a dust bath.

What is it with Jesus Online?

So, I was poking around online reading other peoples blogs and there were 5, yes 5 in a row that quoted scripture or talked about how Jesus will change your life. Did I miss something? Is it the cool christian thing now to blog. Are they doing the evangelical thing online now? What happened to it being a geeky cool thing to blog rather then a way to share your faith.

No. I do not hate christians.

I even like reading some christian authors.

Mostly I am tired of being inundated with christian thought. Ever since moving to the Ozarks under the giant Jesus I feel a little overwhelmed by the god talk. I thought that online was a refuge for me from the bible belt spankin' my ass.

No such luck. Jesus is everywhere and he might as well be my home boy and Mary, well, she is my home girl.

The Perfection Loop: What a twisted knot

I have been thinking a lot lately about the ideas of being perfect. Now, I will confess... there are three things about myself that I love: my boobs, my butt and my hair. I always have. Others may not like them and they are changing over time, but I even like the changes! I think when I was 5 or 6 I even had an "I love my butt song." Now that is love!

I may love them, but I don't think they are perfect. I love the flaws. I love that things sag, sway and are turning a bit gray. I like that they are purely me and there are no others.

In a world where everyone is obsessed with being perfect it is amazing to me that we forget that it is our flaws that make us who we are. It is the imperfection that makes us unique. Someone said the other day that we are all perfect... in gods image. Well, I don't think so. I think that we are flawed from the start. We have trouble in the womb, we are born with cross eyes, or we just develop our flaws over time. As we strive to be perfect we are stumbling towards imperfection. A perfectly noble path in my eyes.

It isn't that I think we should stop trying for some illusive perfection. That is what the game is all about! I just believe that when we start celebrating our flaws that is what puts us further along on the road to perfection.

It Hits You When It Hits You

My Sparkly Girl and I are watching Sex in the City in a somewhat marathon format. Today she watched two episodes while I was running errands and then I watched one of them while I was eating lunch. Beats eating in front of the computer!

It was an episode from Season Four where Miranda's mother dies and for obvious reasons the death of my own mother hit me. Miranda is picking out a crappy black dress and realizes she needs a bra to go with it for the funeral. She is getting help from a somewhat overbearing saleswoman who pushes all the wrong buttons. She realizes that she will never have another fight with her mother. I, like Miranda, will also never have another fight with my mom. I will never be able to apologize again. I will never be able to tell her she was wrong. I will never be able to connect in any way again. It just keeps hitting me that she is gone. Forever.

I think the finality of death is what is so scary. Unlike the perfect zen monk I cling to life, to people, to things, to experiences, to the past, present and future. I, for totally selfish reasons, wish that mom didn't die. That I could continue forever the ongoing arguments that we had. There was something comforting in them. Something so reassuring. So, everyday.

Now I have to move on. I have to take that energy and do something else with it. The possibilities are endless, but I know that this feeling of loss will hit me again when I least expect it.