"If this was your last moment on earth," Roshi cut the silence with these words late at night, "how would you sit?" We were waiting for the bell to ring. It was the end of a week long retreat. Our knees and backs ached. The candle flame hissed; the smell of incense from Eiheiji monastery (the Japanese training center for Soto Zen), shipped in cartons to Minnesota, soaked our clothes.
"You've got to be kidding. Just ring the damn bell," was the only thought that raced through my head."
Natalie Goldberg describes in aching beauty the death of her sometimes abrasive and abusive father with such love and respect that the tears streamed down my cheeks as I read the through the pages. She also heatbreakingly tells the new truth about the teacher that she adored, Katagiri Roshi, from the Minnesota Zen Center. Her interwoven reflection of these powerful and loved men in her life are encrusted in devotion and a new sense of reality as she looks at the hard truths surrounding her relationships with them.
Natalie Goldberg is one of the authors that I could write fan mail on a regular basis to. She has had a great influence on my with her books on writing, her unending practice of Zen, and her discovery of new passions. Although it is also because of her that I never became a practitioner of Zen or any other discipline that involved following a teacher. I can not have a blind love or respect for another human being, because of the fact of their humanness. Her unrelenting faith and respect is admired, but I could never follow the same path. I would always be tugging a large grain of salt and then the relationship between teacher and student would not have been the same. I admire those that can lose themselves in the teachings of others, but also am wary of the loss.
If you have never read a book by Ms Goldberg please take a moment to inter-library loan this, this, or this. You will not be disappointed. She is a gift to writers and readers everywhere.
