MoxieLife

Book Review: Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The first few chapters of this book I didn't think I was going to be able to finish. Seriously, heroin. Really? I have known people addicted to heroin and I am sure that it is something that people wanting to self-destruct do, but this seemed the most far reaching of ideas.

I digress, her mom dies, she sleeps around - a lot, she divorces -see the sleeping around, she meets a guy who hooks her up with heroin - again I'm a bit incredulous, she shoots her mom's horse and sometime in there she decides to hike the Pacific Crest Trail.

Now, that is why I picked up the darn book in the first place.

Hiking the PCT is something I have always imagined myself doing. It is in my far off fantasy life. It is what I want to do when I have 3 extra months - and money to cover them. It is a dream.

So, reading a first hand, albeit 20 year break, look at what it takes a solo woman hiker to do the trail is what drew me in and kept me reading. Her memory, journals and letters to past PCT hikers brings the entire experience alive. It is fresh, it is grueling, and it is a rock this world for women adventure. Great fun to live vicariously through Cheryl... despite the heroin thing.

She is just about my age, I think, and walked it in her early 20's - when the trail was fairly new - and I am so glad that she took the time to share her adventure. She is triumphant and we get to experience a little of that with her.

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A Ta Da Moment for the Socially Inept

Last night my daughter and I went to a Hannukah party. Seems like a simple thing. It is and it isn't. I am actually pretty shy in social settings. I never understood the rules to mingling - it seems daunting to have a huge group of people that you have to suddenly fit into. I chalk it up to being raised alone with just my dad and his totally devoted attention.

Before I go on, I know that most people probably see me as pretty outgoing. I run a lot of events, I do public speaking engagements, I manage big complicated projects - but those are all things that I control. I tend to do fine if it is something that I am managing - it isn't always fun, but I know what to do. I am not lost in a sea of people.

Back to the party.

We had said we wanted to go and when the time came we picked outfits, got ready, and psyched ourselves up to attend. We both agreed that an hour and a half was a good time limit - we didn't have to be the first to arrive - and we didn't need to be the last to leave.

I only know the host a little - he knows my name and I know his. I know what he does and I think he knows what I do, but we aren't close. I like him, but I am - as you can tell - a bit antisocial so we haven't spent much time together.

We got there in no time, found some friends of ours making latkes and then offered to help. I find myself more at home when I am doing something. We made a bunch of latkes before deciding we were ready to eat one ourselves. Abandoning our posts by the stove we wandered around, ate applesauce with cranberrys and latkes, had a few brief chats, had our photo taken and then said our goodbyes.

On the way home I realized that I could attend events by going, saying hello to a few people, and then leaving - I didn't have to commit to staying the whole time or even engaging with everyone. I know... you probably already know that, but for the socially inept it is a new discovery. A Ta Da moment! Looking forward to trying to put that into practice.

It Looked Different on the Model Book Review

It Looked Different on the Model: Epic Tales of Impending Shame and Infamy by Laurie Notaro
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I had not read anything by Laurie Notaro so I was unfamiliar with her style when I checked this out from our digital library. I just liked the name of the book - yes, judging it by it's cover. A quick read, it took just two nights to finish this slight book of essays - granted there were two I skimmed - I can only do so much gross humor.

When I started thinking about reviewing this, I got nervous. We live in a time when authors regularly troll their online reviews. I am sure they have Google alerts set up for every time their name is mentioned. Or they just haunt Amazon and GoodReads waiting to see how many stars people give their tomes. And while thinking of that I started to feel guilty for all the 2 stars I haven given books over the years.

Really guilty. I laid in bed on Christmas and thought about the books I rated poorly. A 2 star books means "it was OK", not exactly a glowing review. I tend to put 3 stars, "I liked it", rather then the dreaded 1 or 2. When I think about liking a book it is mostly due to the mood I am when I am reading it. Sure, there are books I just stopped reading - those awful Twilight books - but usually it is just that the book didn't fit my particular mood. The writing might just be fine, it might have a decent plot, but I might just not be that into it. Kind of like a boy I dated in junior high - he was really nice, but I just wasn't into him. It wasn't his fault at all and he is happily married now so I know he wasn't damaged or flawed to much.

It used to be easy to review books. I could just tell a friend that the book was crap and move on. Now though, with online reviewing you are not just telling your besties you are telling the whole wide world - and the author. They KNOW you thought their book was "just OK". They know that you weren't swooning about it to your book club. They know that you thought the plot was stiff and the characters even more so. And then they hate you. I am sure of that. No, I am not overreacting. If you spent months or years creating something and then some stupid person who has never spent months or years doing anything told the whole world that what they were doing was crap, well, you would hate them.

I don't know. Maybe authors have developed some super skin that they didn't have in the past. Maybe they can handle their horrid readers reviews. Maybe they aren't looking - although I know they are (don't deny it Ms. Notaro, you are reading this to find out what I thought of your book.) My only conclusion is that if I am honest to myself, the random group of people who read my blog, and the authors who stalk their reviews - I have to be kind, but fair. I have to share my real feelings -and yet pray that they are all realizing that I may just have been in a crappy mood when I read their prose. Hell, I hope you think that when you read mine.

As for, It Looked Different on the Model - seriously laugh out loud funny. My husband thought I was bonkers for laughing silently while reading. And Ms. Notaro, please never stop taking Ambien.

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Missing the Point People

I am seriously freaked out about the behavior on Black Friday. People were shot, there was mass crushings, some lady sprayed a crowd with pepper spray, people grabbed and wrestled for things and all of this happened after our national day of thanks.

When a society decideds that competitive shopping is thier sport we have a problem. What is wrong with us that we want so many things? Why do we have this gigantic hole that we have to fill up with more and more things.

Is spraying someone with pepper spray really necessary for video games? I can't imagine it.

Years ago I went to Target the day after Christmas with my daughter and we saw a shirt or something in a bin that she really liked. I picked it up at the same time some grandmother had it in her grips. She pulled it towards her and at that very moment I was disgusted with people and their need for things. It was just a shirt. It wasn't something of real value - something that would even last and yet this woman wanted it so bad she wanted to grab it out of my hands. Needless to say I let her have it and walked hand in hand with my daughter out of the store, not buying anything.

There is nothing I want from the material world that will have be shoving and pushing to get it. Nothing. And I refuse to show that kind of behavior to my child.

I just feel that there is an emptiness to it all. That getting and buying is what the game is all about. But I also know that people are unhappy. They are unhappy with what they have. Who they have. Where they work. What they do. They can't seem to buy anything to make them less unhappy. Nothing is working. They drink. They take prescription medication. They shop. And yet they are still not happy.

What is wrong with us? Where are we as a people that our quintessential moments in life are filled with shopping and grabbing things? I am sad about it in a way that doesn't probably make sense. It makes my heart hurt in a huge way. We are missing the point of why we are here. I am starting to think that those bleak sci fri books that show the future as devoid of trees and health are where we are headed. I don't like it... not one bit.

Lights Camera Nope

We watched an entire season of Californiacation in 3 days and I am reading Mindy Kaling's new book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. One about the sex obsessed Hank and the other about driven Mindy - both a bit narcissistic.

Where they take me though is to my youth and wondering a bit of what if. Now, usually, I don't like to live in the place of what if because it causes either melancholy or frustration in the now. But to humor myself I took a walk through the what if land the other day in the shower. It is safe in there and I can step out of it the minute I leave the spray of water.

Growing up in Southern California, I could have done anything. When I look at my high school experience, for which I lasted a whole 2.5 years before ditching it for junior college, I was really into theater. And sex. Obviously, from the Californication model, I could have done something with that. Really, Orange County is just a stones throw from LA and if I had any motivation at all I could have made that leap. Not being overly pretty I would have been a character actress... I would have loved it. Then again there are a lot of failed, drug addled actresses in LA so that could have been the fate too. But when you have the backwards looking rose colored glasses on, the only future is bright. So, I would have been great.

There are a lot of "stars" from my area. Steve Martin, Michelle Pfeiffer, Will Ferrell, John Stamos, Gwen Stefani (born in the same town and same age), James Cameron... the list kind of goes on. Those are just the ones I know. I am sure there are more. In fact, my UU ministers daughter was an actress but I think she did T&A movies... not sure really.

Anyway, the backwards glance, makes me wonder what if, but more importantly the why not. Why didn't I do that? It would be REALLY easy to blame the lack of interest of my parents. They never once asked me what I wanted to do in the future. They were very self absorbed, but then again, that is also a trait of Orange County parenting... so it comes with the territory. Really, though, if I look hard. I didn't have the faith in myself that I could/would be successful and when I was younger I was really afraid of things that I wasn't good at. I shunned away from failing.

Now though I see failing as a process for growth and if I don't try something I'll never know if I am good at it or not. It is funny to think you have to be instantly good at something - that you don't have to work at it - that is a crazy idea.

So, I didn't become a famous movie star, work in television, or sell my screenplay (yet), but that is ok. I also didn't fail famously across the tabloids. And even though I embrace failure as part of life I like to do it a little more on the down low. And that seems to be just fine without the aide of those rose colored glasses.

Flickr Photo Echo_29

Goodbye Midwest Thanksgiving

This is the first year we will be celebrating Thanksgiving as a family in 10 years. We have been, reluctantly (at least on my part) joining my husbands family in Joplin, Missouri each year for the day of thanks. Over the years I had learned to adjust. I stopped talking about politics or religion. I brought my own coffee. I made my family go on a walk after the ridiculously starch filled meal. I read the paper. I interacted as little as possible.

Fun. No. Family. Yep.

Last year his Grandmother died shortly after Thanksgiving and so we knew our time spent in the miraculous midwest would be over. The ties have been broken.

Am I sad. No, not really. I don't have much in common with his bible belt family who talks about shopping, mission trips, and who's who out of 100 family members - people I can't keep straight because I only see them once a year. We never had much in common and 4 hours spent keeping your mouth shut leads to a really terrible headache. After the first year I remembered to bring Tylenol.

Every single member of the family is either a minister or mission trip leader - to say we had nothing in common is putting it mildly. What I did observe though, as the years went on, were people who had to expand their views. They had to start imagining the unwed mother in their midst wasn't going to hell, or that their gay grandson was also not going die a fiery death. They had to see that the mess that one nephew or niece was in was not unlike the mess of another - they had to expand their view of the world.

It didn't exactly happen over night - more like 10 years - but they have started to see the world in shades of grey rather than the stark black and white that I walked into so many years ago.

This year we don't have to endure the drive, the prayer, or the silence - instead we get to make our own traditions and I expect that over the years those will also expand. Life seems like that, and for that I am thankful.

The Midst of Weird

This last weekend I was definitely in a funk. It was windy and cold outside and I just didn't want to look at my never ending to do list. So, I snuggled up on the couch and read - 2 mysteries and a novel. I also walked in the park with my husband, played video games, made simple dinners, and putted around the house.

So, what was the funk about? I realize that in the last several weeks I had a surge of weird and I did not handle it well. That isn't it... I became unfocused and unbalanced.

Weird 1: A woman, who I thought was trying to make amends for past mistakes, was vying for some strange power she thinks I have.

Weird 2: A woman called and yelled at me about all that is wrong in her world and how it is my fault.

Weird 3: People not being forthcoming.

Weird 4: A company baited and switched - never cool.

Weird 5: Another person believes I am the reason for their failure to connect.

Just too much weird. Exhausting. Not life giving. Not creative. Not interesting. Not fulfilling. Actually all of that was unnecessary and stupid.

But more importantly is my inability to stay balanced, focused and clear during the weird. I reel, pitch and sway when I really want to not play at all. I lose track of the things I need to be doing and want to hide in a corner.

I know that the only way to deal is to continue to find balance and the only way I know to do that is to sit, walk, and write. Three things that do not come naturally to me in the midst of weird. There is a part of me that will say to myself in the middle of the anxiety that I should walk, or sit, or write - but instead I want to go back to the old patterns of talking too much about what happened and hiding in books. Those are really easy ways that I can cope, but they don't really seem to help.

In fact, they tend to produce a sense of self loathing.

Now what?

Well. I know that weird won't stop. There is always going to be weird. The only thing I can continue to work on is to sit, walk, and write in the midst of weird. Maybe, just maybe I won't be so battered by it next time.

Flikr Photo: TruShu

Celebrate Change

It is funny to me that many people love fall, but they are really adverse to change. It struck me that fall is one of the ultimate lessons in change. It is beautiful as our hills and valleys spark into almost unnatural colors and yet they are doing that as their swan song, before they dive into their winter hibernation.

And yet, people get very excited that the leaves have changed. They even seek them out, going great distances to see ever greater displays of oranges, reds, yellows, and deep greens.

But in our own lives we aren't so jazzed about the idea that things change - even things we expect to change make us edgy and unhappy. Funny, isn't it?

Photo is from the balcony at a historic hotel in my town on a crisp autumn day.

Pulled and Unsettled

I realize after the last several days that I don't really like extremely stressful situations. Well, who does? I do better when a crisis happens - I can deal with it, and then you move on. Although I am not a big fan of those either. I like my rather boring predictable life that shuttles me through day to day. I also do not like to see the people I love uncomfortable, sad, or hurting. Really, I don't like to see anyone hurting - it hurts.

We have been preparing for the last few weeks for our daughter to have her front tooth removed. She had to have an emergency root canal and they left the hole open to drain the abscess until they could remove the tooth. The tooth had been damaged when she had her bike accident, sending a crack right up the back, but we didn't know that at the time.

On Monday she and dad went to the endodotic office to have it removed. Me, I was home, working. Mostly working, but also mostly paralyzed with fear. I just sat and waited to hear from them. I didn't want to go because a) I don't do well when/if she faints b) I didn't think they needed all three of us in the office c) I figured I would be more useful getting things ready for when they came home - and I was.

The appointment took 3 hours and was filled with all kinds of scary instruments. She was awake during the procedure, and part way through she could feel the extreme pressure of the "jaws of life" thing that pulled the actual tooth out. They tried to put the implant in directly after the tooth was removed, but there was significant bone loss. So, instead, they put in dead people bones for the bone graft. Kind of gross and kind of amazing at the same time.

In the meantime I waited for them to call, my husband did several times just to keep me in the loop. Then, when I knew they were safely home I prepared her bed, got dinner ready, and waited some more. What I couldn't do though is really focus on anything else. Usually, in the past, I have dealt with emergencies by focusing, getting through them, and getting things done. This really made me watch my behavior and I feel unsettled in a way I haven't. I feel unable to grasp and hold on - we are just scared about how this is all going to go. And that unknowing, makes life hard to settle into.

This morning there were big tears. She wasn't ready to go back to school, but she has no choice. She has tests and papers, and whatever else happens in college. She has to go back to her lonely apartment - which isn't lonely when she is feeling great, but is when she can't even figure out how to eat oatmeal. And watching her cry is heartbreaking. I see being unsettled over here for a little while longer.

Flickr Image from Ukaaa

Engineer Your Life for Happiness

What if life isn't as complicated as we make it? Yes, there are trials and we don't have everything that we want. That is a given, but what if the everyday isn't so hard?

It seems to me that we know things that make us happy, but we deny ourselves those things. Sometimes we have to because of circumstance, but sometimes we just don't do them because we fill our our lives with other stuff. What if, instead, we made a list of the things that we knew made us happy and started living that way?

For instance, I like quiet mornings, walking with friends, helping my husband do the dishes, reading, shopping by myself, and having coffee with my daughter. Yes. I know simple things. I am not talking about huge things because I know that the small things make life happier.

Recently I saw a quote somewhere about fun being transient and happiness being transcendental - or something like that. It is true, I am not a fun seeker. In fact, just the other day my daughter and I were supposed to go explore a nearby city, see friends, shop in a little boutique, but when the day came we decided what would make us happier would be to run some errands, have tea on the couch, and have a nice dinner at home. We probably would have fun exploring, but it would have also felt forced or made us feel rushed around by not doing the things we actually needed to be doing. You know, that aching feeling you have in the back of your mind when you have something you need to be done, that isn't getting done because you are doing something else. We didn't want that feeling.

What I think might be really useful is to sit down and explore on paper what makes you actually happy. What 10 simple things do you actually enjoy, make your life feel fuller or give you a sense of happiness. It may be working out in the evening instead of in the morning, dinner with your family, having your bills paid on time, making sure you top off your gas tank so it never gets below half - whatever it is that leads to an ease or comfort for you, write those things down.

Then, what would your life look like if you started engineering it to fit those needs? What if you got up earlier to do yoga, made time each week to walk with friends, or didn't schedule any meetings before 10AM. Whatever it is for you I think this would work whether you were ultimately more in control of your life (I am a rare breed that sets all of my own hours (or I engineered it that way)) or if you had a more 9-5ish job. You still have control of how your interact with people, how you show up, how you spend your free time - ultimately it is your life. Are you making it as happy as you can? What small things could you be doing differently? I know I am going to start looking at mine over the course of the next few weeks, because this is the only life I get.

Image: I found this online a while ago, but have lost the original resource. If it is yours please let me know so I can credit you. I love it so!