MoxieLife

Taming My Inner Monster

This weekend, for my whole life really, I have struggled with being generous of spirit. My inclination is to tighten up in a ball, fix my eyes until they are steely and purse my lips really tight. To not give in. To not be nice. To not be generous with my words or actions.

I know. You aren't like that. You are perfectly filled with love and grace. You give and give and give.

At least I think you do because I compare myself to the imaginary you all the time. I figure everyone else is easily loving. Easily able to accept that others get more then they do. Easily able to share in someone else's good fortune.

Not me. I'm a meany.

But I don't want to be. Really.

I want to be loving and kind and filled with generous words of spirit - and mean it.

I really do want you to be happy, successful, filled with joy and all the things that make you happy. It just takes me a minute to get there.

What happens is like a quick monster overcomes my heart and I feel myself tense up into a knot as it grabs all the kind words out of my throat and stuffs them in to my belly. My fists clench into tight balls and I stop breathing as I press my lips tighter and tighter together. My eyes go into slits as they zero in on the target.

If I can just take one breath, I can move through that feeling into something else. Sometimes it takes just a moment and I remind myself what I really want for others - not the stinginess that swells inside. Other times it takes months, maybe even years.

It is why I sit and why I write. I journal to process all of that. To get it out on paper. To move past it. I sit in mediation, however badly, to do the same thing. My mind wanders off to relive the painful moment or the why not me moment and then I remind myself and go back to my breath. It is all a process.

Sometimes it is easier, sometimes not, but at least I am trying. So, if I, at first, seem cold or distant I am probably taming my inner monster. Give me a minute... I'll come around.

Starting Again

After a month long pity party I am back. That is all I can call it. A month where I sulked, brooded, railed and was sad over a stupid rejection. I stopped writing, I stopped sitting, I stopped - sure if you know me you think I was busy (projects, travel, cooking, etc.), but this work - the work of writing and reflection went out the window, but I am back.

That is what happens to me when I am overcome by emotion. I don't really want to explore it in that moment on the page. I don't really want to sit with it. I don't even really want to talk about it.

I want it to just boil and brew in my heart.

Then I get over it.

Really.

So, now I start again. Aren't we always starting again?

Flickr Image

Not Defending Mine

Today I have been thinking about the need to respond, defend, or say something. Do we really need to? All of the time?

Here is the scenario. I posted the above photo on Pinterest to share with my daughter. I have a board called For Noodle where I share things I think she would like. A whole bunch of people look at that board, but I don't care. I treat it like a private conversation with my daughter that you are welcome to overhear.

Because I didn't realize, I had allowed those boards to also be shared on Facebook. (This seems like such a "First World Problem" (a term I don't love, but you know what I mean.)

It was there that a woman I kind of know from my small town commented ,"Is that a gun she's holding? Ugh!"

In which I felt the need to defend my post by saying, "I actually love retro western guns... It's all Annie Oakley."

Which she replied, "I think it still sends a "wrong message"...one should NEVER point a gun!"

Now, I know this innocuous. It is a small thing. What I felt though was the need to DEFEND myself and that need rose quickly through me. Seconds.

But what if there is another way. What if we lay ourselves out there. Our words. Our thoughts. Our ideas. Our art. Our likes and dislikes. And we don't defend them.

The reason this matters is that if we think about what we are saying, doing, sharing we wouldn't need to defend them. If we stand behind them with all of our integrity then what other people think is just what they think. It doesn't effect what we have shared, done or created. We can let them have thier own thoughts about it.

When I think about this I realize I have spent a lifetime defending myself. My fists balled up at my sides, lips pursed, ready for a fight. That feeling is uncessary or if it is it can also just pass through like a cloud on a breezy day. What a different way to live and experience others. Me having my thoughts. You having yours. Me not defending mine.

Not Getting Swept Up In Anger

I am reading Dharma Road about a cabdriver/zen student and last night I read a chapter on anger. Something I have been thinking about for some time - and especially in the last several days after several flare ups that I've had. He talked about breathing through anger and that succumbing to it is where the road veers off into dangerous territory. He even suggested a mantra - just say something to get you through the initial feelings. All good ideas.

First, anger happens.

We all get angry. I experience it just like a fever - it rises in me until my ears are throbbing. It is as if an alien has entered my body and is taking hold and then just as soon as that happens it can vanish (that is one tricky alien.) Anything can trigger it. It can be that I am tired and hungry. I can smell something unpleasant. Someone can say something that triggers something too close to home. I can feel injustice or that "life isn't fair" feeling. It can even be something so infinitesimal that I don't know what triggers the emotion - and all of a sudden I am swept up in it as if I was standing on the edge of the ocean and the riptide is pulling me under.

Trying not to get swept up in it.

The key, for me, is to not get swept up. It is to feel the feeling that is happening and to catch it right when it happens. To notice the change quickly. 

I should note that I come from a quick tempered family - easily enraged, yelling, slamming doors - so this practice does not come easily.

When I do notice, it is important that I tuck myself into myself by removing myself from others. Leave the room, get off the phone, get out of the store, whatever it is quickly and calmly. Not slamming doors or stomping off. Just excusing myself as quickly as possible.

If I can't get out, then not talking is the very best thing. No one needs to hear me rant. No one needs to see me ball my fists and give them the what now. No one. Instead, just like in the Dharma Road, breathe out through the lips. Feel the air on your lips as you exhale. Seems like a strange idea, but if you are concentrating on the breath it is a little bit harder to get caught up in being mad.

If you still can't get through it the very best thing, and the thing I hate to do the most, is walk it off. Seriously. A fifteen minute walk can do wonders for your mood. You can rant all you want in your head, but after a quick paced walk that feeling starts to drift a bit.

There are no easy answers to being angry.

I just know that sensing it quickly, not giving it more then it deserves, breathing through it and walking it off are quite possibly the best things to do. If you are still angry after that writing, talking with a trusted friend (not venting, not a fan of venting) or even a longer work out can help.

Like I said, we all get angry, it is what we do when it happens that matters.

UU World Never Ceases to Amaze Me

 

Back in 2009 I wrote a blog post about the UU World pulling the Freedom From Religion Foundation's ads promoting the separation of church and state. I was shocked that they buckled to primarily Christian idealism within the UUA. Shocked and angry. 

 

This month, low and behold, there is an ad that is dubious on so many levels that twice I had to check that I was actually reading my denominations publication.

Diamonds.

Specifically a "free" diamond pendant - it looks like a Franklin Mint ad.

Tacky, not related to the mission of our organization, and quite possibly the most offensive ad I have ever seen in our publication. 

Here's the deal, I don't wear diamonds. On purpose. They are dirty with the blood of innocents and the greed of corporations. They are the epitome of what I find wrong with our society. They put value on a shiny rock without caring about how those shiny rocks come to be on our fingers, ears and wrists. They are symbols of a system that is broken, corrupt and cares nothing about the death and destruction of the regions that they mine these rocks.

The idea of blood diamonds & conflict diamonds isn't new. Hell, I think there have been countless movies, articles and documentaries about the problem.

I am no expert on it, but I care enough not to wear them, purchase them or celebrate them.

Sure, you can go dig diamonds yourself in my state - and for that I celebrate every moment you are sifting through rocks and sand, but if you are wearing a diamond that you have no real idea where the origin is I am suspect of your morals. Or you just don't know about the issues concerning the shiny stones.

So, I get that the UU World has to sell advertising. I understand that advertising is hard to come by to such a niche group, but when I see this I think that you are just pandering to what you think might be acceptable to the group as a whole, cashing the check and not caring about the larger picture.

Raise dues if the cost of printing is too high. Put it all digitally if the cost is too high. Scrub the project if the cost is too high. Have every darn affiliate group have to buy and ad (polymore, Christian, Buddhist... the list goes on). But don't sell our organization out for a few shiny rocks.

Shame on you.

NOTE: Chris Walton commented quickly that the diamonds are created in a lab - they aren't real. And maybe that was obvious to you, but it wasn't to me.

 

 

Being a Change Expert

It occurred to me that maybe you are wondering why I should give any advice at all about dealing with change. Why am I an expert? First, I'm not. I am just practicing - living my life in a way that actively looks at how I deal with the ups and downs of life.

I really work at it.

I don't want to live my life like a pinball bouncing from one experience to another - good or bad - I want to consciously respond to what comes up in my life. That is an ongoing practice. Some days I'm great at it and some days I suck.

Here's the thing though - sure, I'm not a Holocaust survivor, an ex gang member, or anything that seems to be both really hard or a big deal in our society.

I am just a woman. A white woman, at that.

I live pretty simply, leaving my big salary for a simple life. I don't do drugs. I don't have health problems. I am pretty average, by all accounts.

But here's the thing - everyone experiences change. Everyone. 

It is how you deal with it that matters - that is where the flexibility, grace and resilience comes in.

Sure, I have suffered my share of hard things: my mom was bi-polar, my brother died of AIDS, I am a birth mom, I supported and helped both my parents in the end of their lives, my husband has suffered from severe depression, my daughter almost died - you know, life. Messy, uncontrollable, shit happens life.

It was probably my brothers death that moved me towards the direction of understanding that we get one chance - this life - to have it be how we want it to be. That every moment matters. I was 18.

It has taken me 24 years of dealing with the ups and downs of life to cultivate the Change Practice that I have and although I am not an expert, I am practicing every single day. Probably enough to share some advice about how to deal with it. Probably.

My 5 Step Change/Disappointment Practice or How to Breathe Into Change

 

I think change is one of the most difficult things that people deal with today - maybe forever. No one likes to feel like thier world is crashing in a different direction then planned. No one like to have to shift gears quickly. But as John Lennon so aptly said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

 

I have experienced a lot of change in my life. Some of it was because I wanted it and some of it was not - either way I have had to learn to be extremely flexible and able to bounce along without my psyche becoming to unhinged.

Now, don't get me wrong, my husband will tell you I am like a stubborn child when I am dissapointed (working on that) and I am hard to please (working on that). In fact, the smaller more everyday dissapointments or changes are tougher for me to handle then the big life altering ones for me - I think I become a creature of habit and when my toast burns, there isn't any gas in the car, or my meetings get canceled I can be as big a baby as anyone. Give me death, moving, accidents - those things I figure out how to adapt and live with, but forget to get the peanut butter and I'm a raving lunatic (working on that).

How do I work with change? How do I learn to relax into life instead of holding on to it with a death grip like a triple upside down roller coaster? How do I not get shaken and stirred by every wrong turn and bump I hit along the way?

Here is my 5 Step Change/Disappointment Practice or How to Breathe Into Change

1. Breathe: I actively remind myself to breathe. When I don't do this I can feel the tension building, but when I remember I can feel myself un-tightening.
2. Release my Grip: Literally, I flex my hands and stretch my fingers wide. This simple act releases large amounts of tension.
3. Not Talking: Change happens. Not everyone needs to know that I am disappointed in any given moment. So, I practice (and this is by far the hardest thing for me) not talking about it for a while. I don't call my friend. I don't vent about it. I don't even rush to share it at my next meeting or gathering. I sit with it. Either on an actual meditation cushion or just let it ruminate a bit in my head. 
   
   I have found that telling the same story about how disappointed I am, angry or just flabbergasted that my life isn't going along as planned it makes that feeling - the feeling of resistance to change - become solid. It becomes the reality - not the fact that change is going to happen, but that I am hurting over it.
4. Lists & Writing: When something gets thrown in my lap that I had not planned on I start making lists or writing about it. If I am writing I might write a few minutes about how the plans I had were changed and how disappointed I am, but then I shift gears and start thinking about the NEW possibilities. I give into the change and start working with what is happening. 
   
   If it just needs a list of what to do now that life changed I make a real list on real paper to accommodate the new details.
5. Action: If it is as simple as not having peanut butter I talk to my husband about who is going to go to the store and get some. If it is more challenging like a speaker not coming and I have minutes to prepare for that change - I do all of this pretty quickly. I might just do the first 3, create a plan in my head and get going.

Life happens and change is a major part of that experience. We all get comfortable with our plans, our routines, and want to have it all work out. The truth is that doesn't happen very often. Life is filled with big and little disappointments and changes. It is how we deal with them that makes the experience better. With practice, change can lead to new discoveries and open up doors that would never have happened if you had stuck to your original plans. Breathe into the change, as New Agey as that sounds, it has been revolutionary to my life and a constant practice.

Life My Way Part 6 - 3 Solid Steps

In all of this observance about how I am spending my time, how I am feeling and what direction I want to take myself I realized I needed to try something. Anything. So, I am doing the Don't Break The Chain Method popularized by Jerry Seinfeld - yep, that Seinfeld.

The idea is you pick three things and you commit to doing them everyday. You make a big red X on the calendar after you do you things. You don't want to miss a day because you don't want to break the chain.

My three things: Sit for 20 minutes (meditate), Write for 20 minutes (anything), and exercise for 20 minutes (walk, crunches, whatever).

That's it. Nothing that is life altering - except I think committing to doing them is rather life altering. We shall see what changes - good and bad - happen by keeping this practice for 30 days. 

I don't want to be the person who talks about mediation, writing or exercise. I want to be the person who does them. I'm on day 2... we'll see how it goes.

Life My Way Part 5

Who owns your time? It feels like a lot of people do. It feels like work, taxes, family, check out lanes, television studios, authors, teams, book clubs, church. Some of those people you have to give your time to. That is how you get paid, are part of a community, have a family, fulfill your civic obligation - but even though you have to give a portion of your time do they own you? I don't think so.

Everyone talks about the advent of the cell phone as the great break down in the boundaries for our time - your work could call you any time, day or night, and you were obligated to answer. Same for your husband, daughter, sister, aunt, and every other soul that you gave your number to. You no longer went to the grocery store alone and shopped. Instead, you consult with your family on what type of ice cream to buy. Your life doesn't seem like it is yours.

Now you tweet, facebook, instagram, text, check in all of your experiences too - adding another layer to the already finite time that we have.

I think there is a serious problem with all of this - yes, it may seem outrageous to those that know me and know I am just as tied to my devices as anyone, but they also know that I live with it in my own terms. 

I'll never forget when my friend realized that I don't answer the phone. I let people leave a message or as prompted by my email encourage them to send me an email. I use the phone as a tool in my life. She couldn't believe it. Not answer the phone? That is unheard of. It is ringing. You answer it. Your life is disrupted in a million different ways. My motto is it is a tool and I will handle the distractions when I really can handle them. Radical.

So, what if you applied this to the rest of your life? I know a father who is struggling with his teenage daughter who is tied to Facebook like it is an umbilical cord. She judges every moment as to how she will post it. That is a reality of where we are today. His impulse is to pull the plug. My thought is that we have to teach our children and ourselves that these things are tools to be used to enhance our life - not be chained to them.

This month my practice is to watch where I am spending my time and giving myself space to respond to email, text, phone messages, etc. in a way that is thoughtful and not rushed. And when I am feeling that sense of anxiety about the 27 emails one client sent on a Sunday night at 11PM or the need to blog, photograph, tweet and facebook every ounce of my life. - to watch the feelings and to wait, respond/record when I have real time, and breathe.

Trust me. This is a practice not a perfection!

Life My Way Part 4

I was thinking last night that maybe we need to balance our life in thirds. 1/3 for Thinking, 1/3 for Doing and 1/3 for Not Doing. I think so much of our time is spent rushing around that we aren't spending the time to have thoughtful, or heaven forbid profound, thoughts. Even without being too intellectual about it, I think we are missing the time we need to process our own thoughts. We consume media, words, music, sounds, other peoples ideas at a rapid rate without giving ourselves the time to think what we think about it all - we just rush off to the next thing.

If it wasn't for book club I don't know if I, or any other woman, would really spend the time thinking about what we are reading. We just consume books like soda or candy - in they go with no real nourishment.

But it isn't just books it is all the things we do. We rush from one place to another, from one activity to another without really enjoying what we are doing. Just getting to the next thing and then the next thing. This rushing creates an anxiety that is shaking our core.

I remember when my daughter was little and we were rushing to Sunday School. We were late. As usual. I was yelling at her that I hated to be late. She was sitting there small and sad. And I felt terrible. What the hell was I doing rushing to church when I could have had a lovely morning with her and got there when I got there - or not, but there wouldn't have been that moment of pain for me and then for her? It wasn't until years later that I realized that rushing wasn't worth it. And it was she who taught me. We were in line at Walmart and using the automatic check out thing, all of which I hate. The items weren't scanning well and the person behind me was fidgeting. I was getting anxious and she said to just stop and slow down. It didn't matter that there were people behind us we could just do it at our own pace. It was a HUGE aha! moment for me. She was right. The person fidgeting would either wait or change lines. I could go at my own pace and not rush. I could feel ok about it. Life changing.

So, the idea that we could separate our lives into equal parts thinking/contemplating - doing - not doing is really appealing. Think about a life where you think about what you have read, where you actually listen to the radio, where you write about your experiences and reflect on them. What would that life look like? I'm not sure, but it is getting more and more interesting to me.

(Note, yes I know these are white, middle American problems. No need to remind me.)