MoxieLife

Giving it up was the rush

December 14 Rush. When did you get your best rush of the year? When I gave up coffee. I was a die hard coffee drinker. I would drink at least a pot of coffee a day and the effects were starting to become obvious. Granted, all things in moderation are a good thing, but this was not moderation - this was a constant companion.

The thing is that I was angry, frustrated, and I felt terrible. I figured the best thing to do was just give it up. After three days of a horrible headache I survived. Then I put the coffee machine up on a shelf and haven't looked back twice.

The rush - the control to give up something that I loved so much. I figure if I can do that I can do anything!

Christmas bridges the past and present

I have been thinking of the things that bridge the past to the present - the personal things - that tie you to those that you have loved and lost. The holidays are a huge part of that thought pattern, but it happens all year long. When you hear a special song, eat a cookie with a certain spice... good and bad we are tied to those who we were once connected too.

For me, when I put up my Christmas tree I am reminded of my parents, my friend Wendy's mom, my brother, and my sister. They are all wrapped up in my tree and I am fuller because of it. When I unwrap the stuffed Santa that Ginger made with such precision I am transformed into the 9 year old who spent every day after school at her house with her daughter Wendy. She was entirely kind - never seeming to mind the intrusion - never asking for anything other than a playmate for her daughter.

Then, of course, there is the music and traditions that are carried through the season. Most of them have lost their intentional meaning - there is no Jesus in my house - but the sparkle of the lights is delightful. Last night I ventured out to my husband trying to remember when I realized there was no Santa. I don't remember when it happened and I don't remember being upset about it. Then I remembered that my husband never even had Santa. He took that tradition of mine and brought it with great joy to our daughter. He relishes the delight at Santa's cookies, presents from the big C and stockings - things he never really had.

The holidays are such a fusion of those we love, traditions from our childhoods and new ideas. I love that we are flexible to remember our past, but able to bring changes that fit our family now.

For those looking for some new traditions here is a great post!

In his arms

Last night I caught our oven on fire. I was making a meatloaf that is so full of fat and goodness that it overflowed onto the electric heating coil at the bottom of the stove and burst into flames. I opened the oven and flames came shooting out, there were flames coming out of the burners, basically flames.

I don't know if I even called for my husband, perhaps the burning smell and black smoke alerted him to my crisis in the kitchen. Either way he appeared by my side and calmly took out the meatloaf and potatoes, found the salt and sprinkled half the container on the flames.

Poof.

No more fire.

Then he gave me a hug - and that is the best place on earth to me - in his arms.

Part of the #best09 Challenge from Gwen Bell - Best Place

We have lost our groove

December 10 Album of the year. What's rocking your world? Strangely, nothing. When I was younger I had music on at all times, but now I crave silence. I am afraid that this loss of musical interest has made me officially old.

It could be technology is barring me from moving forward. We used to spend hours at the record store, then Borders - listening to possibilities to buy. And we did buy - I have hundreds of CD's. All that music is stuck up in boxes in the storage space upstairs. I haven't even taken the time to rip it to my computer or iPod. It just sits with dust collecting on it.

We live in an area where radio is non-existent unless you like oldies or country so our big splurge is satellite radio, but mostly I listen to NPR and talk radio - I must be getting old. Sometimes we will rock the 80's station and listen to our beloved KROQ favorites from our high school years or we put on Coffeehouse and listen to people butcher Leonard Cohen. (All of that makes us officially old too!)

We used to be so musically together - and now I realize we have let this slip. It happened so fast. We stopped listening to college or alternative radio, we canceled our subscription to Rolling Stone, and we don't buy any music anymore just to hear it at home. What happened? We definitely need to get our groove back!

Holidays in the house

 

 Yesterday our house went from no Christmas to Christmas in a matter of hours. My husband cleaned and moved furniture, put up the tree and strung the lights. I went through the 4 tubs of decorations deciding how it will look this year. I chose simple glittery balls, a few of the remaining antique ornaments, and sentimental pieces. Later, when my daughter gets home for winter break, we are going to make a variety of ornaments to compliment the tree and add to the collection.

The thing about the holidays is that it holds so many memories - good and bad - and it is easy to get lost in that. Last year I was lost in a whirl of depression and loss during the holidays and had the hardest time making any movement towards joy. What I didn't have (or who I didn't have) was so much larger than what I did have - which almost cost me who I have today.

This year, though the memories are still there, they are filled with a full heart. I have had exceptional loves in my life, holidays filled with laughter and tears, and family who is just as excited to watch Charlie Brown's Christmas Special as I am. I am truly blessed - and this year I remember.

(The photo above is filled with memories: the fan is from my brothers tree, turned sideways is an ornament of me that my sister did years ago, and the paper Merry Christmas ornament was made by my brother from a design made by our grandmother.)

Sitting with my crazy little mind.

Sitting has been in my life since early this year - it was a chance to stop talking about what was happening in my life and to just quietly watch my thoughts and feelings. It was an opportunity to stop telling my story and just experience myself.

It's funny, last weekend my husband and I went on a walk around the lake in our neighboring park. On that walk I planned what we were having for dinner, felt like I was on a death march with him behind me pushing me along, retold stories of conversations I wish I would have had, and listened to a chorus of birds - all in my head. There were only brief moments that I was actually just walking on the trail and those moments were peaceful.

I am no expert at sitting meditation, and I miss days more then I would like, but I know that it makes a difference in my life. I slow down. I appreciate. I act rather than react. All of that is off the cushion but comes from the practice of sitting and watching my breath and my mind do it's crazy little thing.

This is part of Gwen Bell's #Best09 Blog Challenge and sitting is part of my 40/40 Challenge.

Missing the Grown Up Gene

When do we get it all together? I am thinking maybe never. This week we visited an attorney to talk about my dad's estate. He died with nothing organized. No will, no paperwork, just a mess and I have been dealing with this mess for 18 months. I realize though that I am not that different.

We have no will. My husband and I are not legally married and if something were to happen to me he would have no say and get nothing. That is not a good situation. Worse case scenario is that if I was in the hospital and I was hooked to machines he wouldn't be able to carry out my wishes to not be like that. Same goes for him. Our daughter would be the decision maker and after all I have gone through with my parents that doesn't seem fair.

So, after some reflection I realize that we need some organization too. I am assuming a do it yourself NOLO kit will work for a Living Will and now seems like the right time to do it. Leaving it up to chance just seems scary.

I don't know where other people got their grown up gene - the one that tells them to care for their credit score, save for retirement, have a will, by stocks... I just missed that moment. I think I sailed over it right into responsibility without a clue. My parents, obviously, were not shining examples. I have had to, all these years, make it up as I go along. Perhaps a good high school or college class would be "getting your shit together and acting like a grown up". I probably would have skipped it, but it would have been nice to know that someone was offering it!

So, 2010 looks like the year that I start down that path with an easy Living Will and getting all that damn paperwork in order. 40 isn't too late, is it?

Best of 2009 Blog Challenge

 

Gwen Bell is hosting a challenge to capture 2009 in the month of January. Almost 300 blogs are participating by writing about the prompts that she has given. Today's prompt is:

December 4 Book. What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?

It's funny, but I read hundreds of books a year in many different categories -fiction, non-fiction, spirituality, business, tech, psychology, science, graphic novels, adult contemporary, ya... etc. And there are some that I just keep coming back to over and over. This year the book that touched my heart most deeply was Jack Kornfield's A Path with Heart. It is a simple explanation of Vipassana sitting instruction. When I was in some of my darkest hours this year I grasped onto the clear instructions for sitting meditation presented in the book and my heart was lighter. My copy is old and the pages are musty, but the information is as relevant today as when I purchased the copy at Green Apple books in San Francisco. I am grateful that this teacher/author wrote down a path towards clearing the mind. It is a book that, curled up in my chair in my room, helped me make sense of the feelings and thoughts rushing around in my head.

Photo by Jelene

I have been wrapped up in family and work - more soon. Latest thoughts have been about the military deployment in Afghanistan, remembering to slow down, and getting ready for the holiday season. More about all of that soon!

Silent Retreat, the interview & last thoughts - part 4

After I slept that horrible sleep of the guilty (balloon popper and mouse mind) I woke at 5:30 to greet the sun. We sat, had a silent breakfast, sat, and then we had interviews with Joy. Throughout the morning and afternoon she met with those that were interested for a brief interview/session with her to see how it was all going. One by one people walked out to the bench she was sitting on at the far edge of the pond.

The Interview

As I sat down we discussed any things rather then detail the conversation here are some excerpts - I warn you that this a bit hippy dippy, but here it is:

When people say "they'll pray for me" or express their path with Jesus I can choose to see that as lovingkindness. I can choose to believe that they don't have the words/vocabulary/cultural ability to just say that they care for me and wish me well. That in their cultural reference they are expressing those things the best they can. I can choose that or I can choose to flip them off.

By constantly defending my version of reality I am missing the show - I am only seeing it through the narrow hole of "the atheist" not as the person experiencing life with other people.

She suggested that there might be extreme trauma from my mother that I am carrying - my mother did experience and inflict extreme trauma. And that might have caused my adrenal gland to either be smaller than others or to just race to flight or fight quicker.

We talked about my position as a defender - a warrior. That perhaps always being prepared for battle - to defend - shuts down that capacity to love. It is hard to love when you are covered in armor.

She said that Stephen Levine would call me an Orthodox Atheist, which by her account, is a hard path - the path of the skeptic. The hard part is to not be zealous, not to have rigid thinking and to find the strength to know but also to love.

My 40th Thing

She said my 40th thing (on my 40/40 Challenge) would be "Releasing dear Jack Frances to his own energetic resonance, and the need to defend that space "for "daddy." - What does that mean? To not defend his way of thinking - to let him go - and to experience life as it is happening. If you are interested I'll share more about that.

And then we sat, ate, sat, shared in a circle and dashed out to our cars as it started to pour for the journey home.

The Way Home

All the way home my friend Kath and I chatted. We talked about the weekend, what we thought, we laughed. It was great. The funniest part is that the two women that I didn't like she also didn't like - on sight. We never talked about it. It was just instinctual. We laughed because we never did find the shower and after 3 days we were pretty ripe. We could have asked, but were to busy sitting silently to think about it. As Kath would say, "all I was asking for was a clean crotch." Amen sister! Amen.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. It was fantastic and completely jumpstarted my sitting practice at home. Can't wait to share the next time with you - better yet, come along!