MoxieLife

Not Junior League Material

Last night we watched The Help and although I had read the book I had an epiphany - I have often felt like Celia Foote. Granted, I am not a blonde bombshell from Sugar Ditch, but after moving here to the Ozarks I have had Celia Foote moments. I have definatley been the woman with the pie wanting to come to the party. That kind of rejection, cliquish behavior, and what I can only call Junior Leauge syndrome is something I didn't really expect and yet have found. I live in the South, what else should I have expected?

What I realized though last night was that I could stop bringing the pie to the party. Those groups are never going to want me as part of thier little clan. I'll never fit in and that is ok. I have chosen to give up. Really, the humiliation of trying over and over to be liked is exhausting and I am 42 years old. It is time to stop.

I have a lot of things I want to do and get done in this life and being roundly rejected by women is not something that is bringing me closer to those goals. I get it. I am not Junior League material - hell, I don't want to be junior anyway - I want to play in the Majors!

I could almost kick myself for falling into the trap of wanting to try. How humiliating and what a waste of time.

We moved here to live more sustainably, to cultivate our own interests, to invest in our family and our relationship, to have meaningful relationships, to do work that we found worthwhile - not to impress anyone, keep up with the Jones's or pretend we are something we are not. I could have easily continued working in Corporate America and made money, if that was the goal, if that is what made you actually happier. I could have impressed the neighbors with fancy things, but that was never what I wanted to do. I knew too many people hooked into that game and they were unhappy. They all wanted somethign else, but they were too trapped to make a leap. 

Well, we lept, and I am not sorry for that. Our story is fun, filled with adventure, and maybe not the norm. That is ok. It is our choice and with that I think I am almost ready to realize that I am not going to fit into the scene. I am not going to be invited to the party. I never really had a foot in anyway. It just took a little help to figure that out.

Four New Things in My Life

Now that I am back in the swing of things I am diving into life with gusto - like a Tropicana commercial or a Ford Truck (yes, I came of age on television and it is my most often thought of cultural reference). With that I am trying the following things:

• Just Get Up: This is the most fought thing in my life. Getting up when I don't have to. I have always gotten up to meet a deadline, get to a meeting, go to work and if I don't have a schedule I will just wait to get up until I actually have to. So, say 8:45 instead of 7AM. The idea of having a relaxing morning is not something I grew up with or am used to. But I am trying it. I am getting up the 2nd time the dog says something. He first goes out at 6:15 and I let him out - I COULD get up then, but I don't. I get back into bed. I get up when I let him back in. This is new and although I feel fine I went to bed at 9:30 last night, so there is that.
• 20/20/20: So, now that I have these hours before I really have to get to work I am doing a new routine. 20 minutes of sitting meditation, 20 minutes of writing and 20 minutes of movement. I figure I will try this for 20 days. I am on day 2... so far so good.
• MyFitnessPal.com: A friend posted that she needed to lose 10 pounds on Facebook because her doctor said she did. Another friend of hers commented that she uses MyFitnessPal the app and online site to keep track of her food diary, exercise and water intake. I have 30 pounds to lose. 30. Which to me is a big number and I figured if her friend who has lost 30 pounds did it this way I could try it too. It doesn't cost anything, but it is a bit of an obsessive way to live. Yesterday if I had just not had the Vivani dark chocolate my day would have been perfect - but,well, I wanted chocolate.
• Chips Ahoy: No, not the cookies (I hate those cookies). Chips. I love chips. Spefically corn tortilla chips. I eat them every single day with salsa. Fresh salsa. I love it. It is crunchy and salty goodness. But really, they should be called "Fried Food for Fatty Mc Fat Fats". Seriously. They are just as bad a fried chicken, doughnuts, and all other amazingly tasting fried things that are bad for you. Tortilla Chips = Fried Food. And the serving size is 7. 7 chips. Come on. Who is going to eat 7 tortilla chips. So, I am looking for an alternative - or I have to give them up and that makes me sad.

What's new in your world?

Starting Again

After a month long pity party I am back. That is all I can call it. A month where I sulked, brooded, railed and was sad over a stupid rejection. I stopped writing, I stopped sitting, I stopped - sure if you know me you think I was busy (projects, travel, cooking, etc.), but this work - the work of writing and reflection went out the window, but I am back.

That is what happens to me when I am overcome by emotion. I don't really want to explore it in that moment on the page. I don't really want to sit with it. I don't even really want to talk about it.

I want it to just boil and brew in my heart.

Then I get over it.

Really.

So, now I start again. Aren't we always starting again?

Flickr Image

Not Defending Mine

Today I have been thinking about the need to respond, defend, or say something. Do we really need to? All of the time?

Here is the scenario. I posted the above photo on Pinterest to share with my daughter. I have a board called For Noodle where I share things I think she would like. A whole bunch of people look at that board, but I don't care. I treat it like a private conversation with my daughter that you are welcome to overhear.

Because I didn't realize, I had allowed those boards to also be shared on Facebook. (This seems like such a "First World Problem" (a term I don't love, but you know what I mean.)

It was there that a woman I kind of know from my small town commented ,"Is that a gun she's holding? Ugh!"

In which I felt the need to defend my post by saying, "I actually love retro western guns... It's all Annie Oakley."

Which she replied, "I think it still sends a "wrong message"...one should NEVER point a gun!"

Now, I know this innocuous. It is a small thing. What I felt though was the need to DEFEND myself and that need rose quickly through me. Seconds.

But what if there is another way. What if we lay ourselves out there. Our words. Our thoughts. Our ideas. Our art. Our likes and dislikes. And we don't defend them.

The reason this matters is that if we think about what we are saying, doing, sharing we wouldn't need to defend them. If we stand behind them with all of our integrity then what other people think is just what they think. It doesn't effect what we have shared, done or created. We can let them have thier own thoughts about it.

When I think about this I realize I have spent a lifetime defending myself. My fists balled up at my sides, lips pursed, ready for a fight. That feeling is uncessary or if it is it can also just pass through like a cloud on a breezy day. What a different way to live and experience others. Me having my thoughts. You having yours. Me not defending mine.

Valuing Friends

I realized last week, after having a not fun thing happen, that all these weeks of winter isolation have not been good for my soul. If they had been brought about by a concisous act to be alone that might have been different, but to seclusion because of laziness or family nesting isn't necessarily enriching or liberating.

Here's what happened. I got a dose of bad news, twice, about professional/work related things. Both times they were a blow to my ego and my heart.

But for weeks - almost since Thanksgiving - I have been isolated. I have worked, yes, but I haven't made one bit of time for friendship.

And when those crappy moments happened I realized that I couldn't just call up my friends and whine. I am pretty sure friends don't love friends that just whine.

Sure, I reached out to four amazing professional women that I know to help me see the brighter side - and that helped immensely. But even then I felt guilty for wasting their time or not engaging fully at other times and only coming when I had a problem.

So, I learned something about myself. (See, always a silver lining to the crap life shows you.) I need to continue to cultivate relationships. Personal and professional relationships. I need to make the time. I need to value friendship as a life long pursuit, just like I do work and family.

I think some people know this instinctively. Me, not so much. But I am slowly learning.

Flickr Photo by Neal

For kicks check out my books and become my friend on Goodreads. Read my friend Jesse's blog, A Handmade Life. And need tech and work info that you can easily digest, read EvolvedMommy.

Real Resolutions and Pipe Dreams

Starting a new year is wonderful - so full of promise. For me that really happens in September, at my birthday, but I do, also, like to set intention for the coming year. I am fine with making resolutions and not keeping them. There are things in this life that we bite off and realize that it isn't to our taste - why keep eating at it? Move on! So, who knows whether you will really lose all that weight, move to a new location, or write personal notes to everyone you know - the fun is in thinking about what you want to do and moving towards it.

This year I am doing Real Resolutions #realresolutions and a handful of pipe dreams! The Real Resolutions consist of things I want to incorporate into my life and just need a gentle reminder of what I set out to do. The pipe dreams - well those are just that - who knows if I will follow through. I am totally ok with that!

Real Resolutions
Grow My Bangs - My goal is to have bangs long enough to scoop them into a ponytail. I am almost there, but I am also at the place where I like to freak out and cut them.

Make Time for Friends - I often put work or busy work ahead of making time for friends and this year I want to make a conscious effort to put them first. This resolution came about in a morbid manner, I was at a funeral when it dawned on me that people aren't really going to care if I put a 50 hour week in - they are going to care if I am a good friend.

Write - I write a lot. I write for clients. I write on two blogs. I write to promote my small town. I just want to make this a priority, this writing thing.

Clear Out 365 - My goal is to get rid of 365 things. I could be throwing them away, giving them to the thrift store, or finding new homes - I just want to get rid of the years of collecting that I have tucked into every corner. My plan is to Instagram each thing as a way to remember what they all were. Goodness, my house is going to love me and my hope is to feel lighter - less cluttered in mind and body.

Less TV - We watch WAY too much TV and it isn't worth it. I think there is so much more time if I don't spend it on the couch. So, my plan is to schedule TV. Things I actually want to watch rather than just sitting there zoning out on random crap.

 

Pipe Dreams
Join 2 groups - I want to join one professional and one personal group and commit to going to every single meeting even when it is inconvenient. I am not sure yet what group that is going to be - I am toying with the Buddhist group that meets on Thursday afternoons (a terrible time for me, but the only Buddhist group I know of) and Professional Philanthropists. I am giving myself the month to figure out what groups they will be - then stick with it. Have a group you want me to join... sell me on it!

Exercise - this shouldn't be a Pipe Dream Resolution, but I know that if I make this some big deal I will resist it more. I have problems with authority - even my own! Although this is really important for my health - I am in terrible shape and I know with a regular regime I could make a real difference. I just have to suck it up and do it even though it is inconvenient, makes me sweaty and isn't my favorite thing to do at al.

Design 12 Awesome Downloads - I am a graphic designer and every time I see these amazing crafty projects that people post I am inspired/deflated that I could do that too! I just need to make it a priority. Plus it is fun - and fun is good.

Who knows - I am sure other goals and resolutions will come up, but for now this seems filled with promise - which is exactly where I want to be this time of year.

 

Lights Camera Nope

We watched an entire season of Californiacation in 3 days and I am reading Mindy Kaling's new book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. One about the sex obsessed Hank and the other about driven Mindy - both a bit narcissistic.

Where they take me though is to my youth and wondering a bit of what if. Now, usually, I don't like to live in the place of what if because it causes either melancholy or frustration in the now. But to humor myself I took a walk through the what if land the other day in the shower. It is safe in there and I can step out of it the minute I leave the spray of water.

Growing up in Southern California, I could have done anything. When I look at my high school experience, for which I lasted a whole 2.5 years before ditching it for junior college, I was really into theater. And sex. Obviously, from the Californication model, I could have done something with that. Really, Orange County is just a stones throw from LA and if I had any motivation at all I could have made that leap. Not being overly pretty I would have been a character actress... I would have loved it. Then again there are a lot of failed, drug addled actresses in LA so that could have been the fate too. But when you have the backwards looking rose colored glasses on, the only future is bright. So, I would have been great.

There are a lot of "stars" from my area. Steve Martin, Michelle Pfeiffer, Will Ferrell, John Stamos, Gwen Stefani (born in the same town and same age), James Cameron... the list kind of goes on. Those are just the ones I know. I am sure there are more. In fact, my UU ministers daughter was an actress but I think she did T&A movies... not sure really.

Anyway, the backwards glance, makes me wonder what if, but more importantly the why not. Why didn't I do that? It would be REALLY easy to blame the lack of interest of my parents. They never once asked me what I wanted to do in the future. They were very self absorbed, but then again, that is also a trait of Orange County parenting... so it comes with the territory. Really, though, if I look hard. I didn't have the faith in myself that I could/would be successful and when I was younger I was really afraid of things that I wasn't good at. I shunned away from failing.

Now though I see failing as a process for growth and if I don't try something I'll never know if I am good at it or not. It is funny to think you have to be instantly good at something - that you don't have to work at it - that is a crazy idea.

So, I didn't become a famous movie star, work in television, or sell my screenplay (yet), but that is ok. I also didn't fail famously across the tabloids. And even though I embrace failure as part of life I like to do it a little more on the down low. And that seems to be just fine without the aide of those rose colored glasses.

Flickr Photo Echo_29

Celebrate Change

It is funny to me that many people love fall, but they are really adverse to change. It struck me that fall is one of the ultimate lessons in change. It is beautiful as our hills and valleys spark into almost unnatural colors and yet they are doing that as their swan song, before they dive into their winter hibernation.

And yet, people get very excited that the leaves have changed. They even seek them out, going great distances to see ever greater displays of oranges, reds, yellows, and deep greens.

But in our own lives we aren't so jazzed about the idea that things change - even things we expect to change make us edgy and unhappy. Funny, isn't it?

Photo is from the balcony at a historic hotel in my town on a crisp autumn day.

Week in Review with Gratitude Tears and Massive Organization

Gratitude, tears,and massive organization. That pretty much sums up this Week in Review:

Recieved the nicest email from my sister. Ever. Printed and Saved.

Had the joy of having friends and volunteers take over my Sunday night Movie in the Park gig and let me go home and watch Prohibition on PBS. Grateful because Peter Coyote + Ken Burns + PBS makes my heart swell. Then I told them and they answered back!!

Could not sleep Sunday night. Too much to do and too excited to do it. That's a good thing? Right?

Watched the last game of the new 5/6 grade football game. Our town has never had football so I felt it was important - as part of the community - to go out and support them. The kids, coaches, parents, schools have done so much to get this together for them. So cute... they are so little in all that padding!

First week of Boot Camp 101... taking the tourture in stride. I am paying for it, afterall.

Knock on wood my ears - after 4 weeks seem to have cleared up.

Went out for coffee with new friends. In the evening. Over an hour away. I NEVER do things like that (I am a bit of a home body) but I really like these women. I am so glad I did! I got to talk with them, meet new interesting people, and then have a really lovely dinner with my daughter.

Then, of course, we lost an Icon.

Photo: New glasses!

My Word for the Year

I have been tossing around having a personal word for each year. We already have a family theme each year (although due to my inability to commit 2011 did not have one). So, having a personal theme seems in line with that. My choice for my 42nd year is: Thoughtful.

thought·ful

adjective

1. showing consideration for others; considerate.
2. characterized by or manifesting careful thought: a thoughtful essay.
3. occupied with or given to thought; contemplative; meditative; reflective: in a thoughtful mood.
4. careful, heedful, or mindful: to be thoughtful of one's safety.

Related Words:

attentive careful consideration contemplation earnest

forethought mindful neglectful pull reflective thinking

I was, at first, thinking deliberate. Doing things deliberately rather then all willy nilly - how I do things now, but that sounded too confining. Thoughtful seems, to me, to extend towards remembering, being kinder, slowing down and leads both to thoughts and to actions. Sure, I could have gotten all Zen and just chosen mindful, but when I am thinking of the letters I need to write my aging aunts and keep putting off - mindful doesn't quite fit the bill. Thoughtful does.

What do I hope to get out of this? Truthfully, I want to slow down and celebrate the moments. I want to close my laptop when someone is talking to me. I want to spend time doing small things that matter to me (crafts, cooking, gardening, listening, writing, etc.) and know they are part of a larger picture.

My daughter is an exceptional description of thoughtful, especially in gift giving. For my birthday she walked over a mile to the used book store and found music for recorder duets. The sales clerk asked her why she wanted this aging pamphlet and when she explained her parents new hobby the older people in line thought it was all so cute. I, on the other hand, just thought it was tremendously thoughtful to find something that only I would even want - not just anything from the store, but something specific to me. Not only that, but she handmade party hats for everyone that evening - beyond thoughtful!

My plan is to make time for thoughtfulness. To record those moments and then to see what I think the changes are in my life due to it. A whole year - let's see how I do!

If you have a word or theme I would love to know about it... even if it is informal.