MoxieLife

A Weekend of Unhappy Endings

Friday: We knew that the rain was coming and it didn't disappoint. 3.22" of rain in less than 24 hours. That meant a few days of being home. We had stocked up on Thursday with things that were necessities (tea and chocolate) and settled in for a quiet day behind a rushing river.

Saturday: The day was quiet. I finished my book "Her Fearful Symmetry" and was astounded by the storytelling. A great ghost story that confirmed my uneasiness around twins - no happy ending there. After a quiet dinner, a few episodes of The Riches we were off to bed. Then at 2:00 AM we heard the unmistakable sound of a cars tires and the crash of a one car collision. We confirmed what we had heard - that we had not dreamed it - and my husband quickly dressed while I called 911.

We don't even have to look anymore we know that when we hear that sound that we need to call immediately. Living on a blind curve in the country we find ourselves to be the first responders or "Keepers of the Curve". In the 6 years that we have lived here we have been the first to call 911 on 7 crashes - all one car collisions with people ending up in the ditch. They take the curve to fast, over correct, and then end up on one side or the other.

I quickly got dressed while on the phone with 911 and raced down our hill, walking through 6 inches of freezing water. My husband was already parked (he had smartly driven down the drive) at the top of the road and I couldn't see him anywhere. I called his name only to see that the real first responder had arrived and was parked on the highway just around the bend. They were all walking into the ditch on the other side of the road. 911 confirmed that they had arrived and that more were on their way. As I made my way back to our driveway 3 more vehicles drove into the scene and an ambulance was a short distance away.

I walked quickly up the drive and got dry and back in bed with the light on listening to what was happening on the highway. Our home is over 100 years old and insulated with newspapers from the 20's making it easy to listen to the echos of the canyons. I didn't hear much and hoped for the sound of the distant helicopter.

Two hours later I called my husband as he was just walking back to his truck. One of the passengers had died and the other was seriously injured. They were young. He had been the first to get to their truck, but he was unable to help - just to observe and show the EMT's where they had landed.

The mood was somber and the stillness of the night alluded to a sad ending.

Where are all the pumpkins?

There is a serious pumpkin shortage. Perhaps it is some conspiracy to stop American's from consuming vast amounts of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. Or Aliens came down and brought them all back to their leader as an amusing food that you can cut up and play with AND eat... what's more fun than that?

Seriously, I sent my husband out this week in search of pumpkin in a can. Not the horrible pie filling - just pumpkin in a can. He came back utterly defeated three times. I went out to search on my own and was told that it is a seasonal food and that it isn't stocked during the year.

Then today on the FRONT page of the Arkansas Democrat Gazette (I would link to it, but you have to PAY to see the articles in that dumb paper) it said there was a massive SHORTAGE of pumpkins due to the wet weather we had this summer.

So, at least I am not crazy. There is a shortage.

But not at my house!

Because you know when you REALLY want something you have to have LOTS of it. Well, that is what happened with my pumpkin obsession. I wanted to make a pumpkin pasta dish in a serious way. And because I couldn't for days it became a mission. I was determined to find that damn pumpkin.

So, this morning I drove over to the farmers market and bought not one, not two, but THREE pie pumpkins. Those are the short cute kind that are a bit sweeter than a pumpkin used for Halloween.

Then I drove over to the Festival of the Sun (our local grocery store) and I thought I would just LOOK at the aisle that houses the canned pumpkin. Just to see if they had it in... it is actually Fall now. Well, they had it and so I had to buy FOUR cans of it. Why? Because they might NOT have it at some point.

So, at our house, we have some serious pumpkin.

Random Thought Thursday: guns in public, fighting friends, writing on the wall...

To prove that I am not totally narcissistic - well, not completely, here are some other thoughts that I have had throughout the last week. OK, they are all in relation to me. I can't help it.:

Guns in Public:

You may know that I have the irrational fear of being shot in public - I am sure I have mentioned it at sometime. It all stems from the first "random shooting" when I was a kid at a McDonald's in San Diego. I just couldn't imagine someone getting mad about their fry order and shooting someone. Anyway, I am often on edge in public places: the DMV, hospitals, the bank - anywhere that someone can get angry. Well, the shooting lastyear at a UU church in Tennessee was enough to be an issue for me returning to church. I just don't want to be in a place that could be seen as the object of someones hate. Now with the man in Arizona bringing a semiautomatic gun to a town hall meeting I am not sure how I feel about stepping out and speaking my mind in public. Doesn't anyone else see that by allowing people to have guns everywhere there are more chances of people getting shot - sigh.

Fighting Friends:

I know two people in my community who are currently using public forums to discuss what is essentially a neighbor problem. One friend feeds the deer and the other is trying to grow a garden. So, instead of talking to one another they are using our local government, forums, and paper to state their case. I know both of these women. I respect both of them. They both work very hard for the "right" thing for the community. I wish though that they would work together to find a solution as neighbors - rather then making it a public debate. The question is do I intervene or do I just watch it happen? Sigh.

Writing on the Wall

Our family lived at EastWind 10 years ago - an intentional community in Missouri and they had a "system" for airing opinions, grievances, talking, sharing called the Back Wall. This was a place that people posted constructive ideas as well as slander. At the time I felt it was probably the worst form of communication I had ever seen or experienced. It is so easy to write something rather than talk with someone. So, when we left I was so happy to have that out of my life. Well, 7 years ago we moved to a small town that has the equivalent of the Back Wall, an online forum where people rant and rave and share poor information. Sometimes it is useful, but for the most part I don't think that it moves the conversation forward. Sigh.

Choosing to be poor - what a concept!

I watched the Oprah last week about class issues and it was interesting how shocked people were when they realized that they had moved from middle class to poverty. All of the stories were of people who had made that change due to unwelcome circumstances (job loss, layoffs...). They weren't prepared and they were shocked that it had happened.

Let me tell you dear readers - our family made the choice to become poor by Americas definition. We jumped off the corporate train 7 years ago and moved to rural Americal - knowing that our paychecks and health insurance wouldn't be coming with us. When we decided to make this move we were told by friends that we were nuts. That we were leaving the one true meaning of life - money defining happiness and success. Unfortunately for them, we don't believe in that value of life and so we ditched our San Francisco lifestyle to move to Arkansas.

What have we given up - eating out, high rents, fast internet, new cars, health insurance, museums and theater. Things that add to the ease of life.

What have we gained - a home with 13 acres, a garden that feeds us all summer, chickens with enough eggs for 4 families, time (although as you know I don't have enough of that), quiet.

Are there problems - absolutely. We have very little new things. We don't go to the doctor unless we have to. We are not protected if we become very ill. Every new expense (car breaking down, house issues, college expenses) are incredibly stressful. Not enough money to cover everything and so things are done in stages. No credit - once you choose poverty you don't exactly have the picture of credit worthiness - which is fine because it means very little debt. And friends - I think they worry and are reluctant to include us in things because they aren't sure if we have the money to cover the expenses.

Do I miss my city middle class life (we were upper middle class)? No, we never had enough then either. When you make more money it just gets spent - things were expensive and we didn't have savings then either. I wish we had a little more cushion, but we don't and worrying about it doesn't make it better.

Are our needs met? Mostly. We don't have everything we want, but we mostly have everything we need. A nice balance. I thing many people who think they are middle class are really poor - they just don't feel poor and that is a fine thing. Is money the only value in which we divide people?

So, Oprah and friends - being poor by choice isn't so bad - really.

Damn straight, I'm no Southern Lady.

I have been having the most fortunate moment in the evenings since my daughter came home from college. She decided that she wanted to watch all of Six Feet Under from the beginning and it feels like coming home. I am reminded as I watch them with her how wonderful the show was.

Specifically, I am reminded that I grew up in Southern California and my family is much more Los Angeles then Mayberry. Unfortunately, I now live in a Mayberry town. One where if you told the check out lady to shut the fuck up they might look at you a bit odly rather then continue to just check out your groceries. In fact, they would talk about you throughout the entire town and you might feel banned from the store as you try to enter next week.

My family doesn't believe in god, curses, appreciates the ironic, and isn't always nice - and I wonder sometimes if that cultural upbringing is the reason - we were never forced to smile or say thank you when growing up. We watched a lot of PBS, listened to NPR, argued about politics. We all had sex early, ran around as teenagers doing things we shouldn't, and didn't care what anyone else thought.

Now as I try to squeeze myself into the confines of a small town I fail all too often. I am getting ok with that too now. I am fine with not fitting in, I don't wear makeup to the grocery store, and I let the occasional epiteth slip. I may not be Aunt Bea, but I can hear about all your transgressions without batting an eye - and coach you through lifes little messes. Aren't you glad I live in your little town?

Oy Update.

For those of you following the story about my chicken Oy... she laid an egg today. Truly a miracle. I am in awe of the power of nature to heal.

Photo by Zamario

Some of what I have learned over the last three months.

I was thinking lately of all that I have accomplished, created, or dealt with while my husband and I were on sabbatical. It is both a list of the mundane and the profound - which is fitting considering the circumstances. Some things were just things I had to learn because I had never done them before and some were things that I worked through that were completely new. Take a look:

1. Survived the worst ice storm to hit our area in 75 years. This included 6 days without power or heat. Really a trial and an amazing start to this journey. You don't know who you are until you are completely alone without power, a telephone, the ability to drive, and no heat. I felt after this experience that there was very little that I couldn't accomplish in life.
2. Figured out how to set up and cook on our propane camp stove.
3. Made an appointment and started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. (I credit this and two other things as the keys to the balance that I am now feeling.)
4. Started sitting (meditation) (second thing I credit with new balance)
5. Started writing in a journal. (third thing!)
6. Started exercising (biking, walking, interval workout)
7. Cleared the low water bridge of debris in the ice to let the water flow underneath.
8. Moved fallen trees (one hanging over the top of my car!)
9. Figured out how to change the heater filter. (Thanks Bob!)
10. Started an account book - I now know exactly how much money we have or don't have.
11. Learned to burn debris.
12. Cleaned out our closet and gave away over 10 bags of clothes making room for him to have an entire side of the closet.
13. Cleaned out my dresser, alter, and created drawer organizers.
14. Cleaned out nick nacks and gave away a car load of stuff.
15. Invented a toilet paper holder from a hangar the hangs off the tank.
16. Rearranged the electronics to be less cluttered.
17. Vacuumed behind our bed. Ewww!
18. Washed all of our quilts and blankets.
19. Made the bed every day.
20. Cleaned out under the kitchen sink.
21. Cleaned out the tupperware.
22. Cleaned out the bathroom toiletries. (It is amazing how many odds and ends accumulate.)
23. Showed my dad's house once.
24. Had Sparkly Girl home for Spring Break - odd just the two of us, but it was great!
25. Cleaned the top of the refrigerator.
26. Cleaned out the fridge.
27. Flew to Chicago and attended a conference.
28. Figured out and arranged house sitting while I was gone.
29. Started working through my responsibility for how my life is.
30. Started working through my belief structure (who is this God?)
31. Working through my grief.
32. Learning new communication skills.
33. Learning new listening skills.
34. Took a new job.
35. Took on two new clients.
36. Was published in a book.
37. Won a prize.
38. Saved my chicken Oy's life by calling my chicken whisperer!
39. Painted sleeping porch - well, really my Sparkly Girl did this, but I helped clean the darn thing off!
40. Rearranged living room.
41. Sewed a cute patchwork table cloth.
42. Created great curtains for the dining room with embroidered placemats!
43. Figured out water pump issue.
44. Painted office (actually painting now, will be done Friday)
45. Bleached bathroom.
46. Cleaned out chicken coop.
47. Took Christmas decorations to shed.
48. Stopped drinking coffee.
49. Trying vegetarian diet (this is new this week.)
50. Didn't freak out (too much) on Sparkly Girl when she was late.
51. Moved cat litter to a better spot.
52. Created cat door/dog blocker to protect the cat food from Zeppelin.
53. Took care of the chickens everyday.
54. Pretty much stopped watching TV... or at least way less.

Big things and small things, but all together the list is pretty impressive. I have never lived alone and doing a lot of these things alone was new to me. Also some of those things included learning skills I didn't have or were physically demanding in a way I never thought I could handle. I can not express the value of this time adequately. Just to see the strength of body, mind and character has been amazing. The real value though has been in the self care and the space to breathe.

Life lessons learned through a chicken.

I knew that when our family decided to take on raising a flock of chickens that it would be a bit of a challenge for this city girl, but I have slowly been getting my bearings around these beautiful birds. We currently have 7 girls and they are really quite fun to have clucking around the yard.

Last week though I learned a powerful heart lesson from one of my favorite girls. Oy, she is our only Arucanna and is a bit shy and well mannered. My husband would pet her at night when he closed the coop and she would coo softly. Really a nice bird - who also lays those coveted green and blue eggs.

Well, last week I walked outside and spotted Oy by the coop and as I watched her walk away I noticed that the entire back end of her was bloody. I went in for a closer look and she just kept walking away from me, so I went in to call some of my more seasoned chicken friends.

I first called N. She is truly a chicken whisperer and has a way with birds that is awe inspiring to watch, but she didn't answer.

Then I called J. and he said that Oy probably was attacked by an animal and I could either kill her or she would slowly die. Neither proposition sounded great, but going to the vet wasn't reasonable either as a chicken is somewhat a disposable farm animal and the vet bill would be equivalent to an entire flock of birds plus all their food for a year.

I hung up rather despondent and called my husband to let him know that Oy might not make it and to say I was so sorry. No answer from him either, but I didn't expect one. I had just called to connect with someone who might care as much as I did about our little bird.

Then N. called back. She was driving by and would stop at my cottage. She got out of the car and slowly rounded Oy up. After looking at her backside it was apparent that all of her innards (intestines and such) had been pushed out of her vent... so basically her insides were out. N. lovingly and gently pushed them back in. Yep, she pushed them back in and we put little Oy in a cat carrier for the night unsure if she would make it.

Well, a week later she is running around with her feathered friends as good as new. A miracle if I ever saw one.

So, what was the heart lesson -- I realized that there are always versions of events. We can make up any ending that we want. We can kill the chicken, let it die, not respond at all or heal it through gentleness. So, when life happens, as it does everyday, we can meet it with any set of eyes that we want to. It is truly up to us. Any of those outcomes would have been fine - some more painful or sad, but really any of them would be fine and it is not being attached to any of them that we can be free of the worry and anxiety of any situation.

Really, I am seeing how we make things worse by projecting our outcomes on everything. We don't know what is going to happen so why not just be open to that.

Thanks, Oy! And thank you to J., N. and my husband too.

Living in a cabin in the woods your fantasy?

Is it your fantasy to live in a little cabin in the woods? Do you dream of your own slice of heaven while you are stuck in your cubicle. Well, take a peek at my day and see if this is still your dream:

• Wash the walls and ceiling of the bathroom with bleach and water - the walls are made of some unknown substance and need to be replaced. Until that happens though I periodically wash them down completely. Love the smell of chlorine in the morning.
  
• Open up the chicken coop and collect the eggs, get the chickens new food, and change the water. Look around to see it absolutely needs to be cleaned and decide that will be a great way to celebrate Valentines day.
  
• Clean out the remaining food from the fridge that needed to be composted after not having power for six days. Try very hard not to throw up in the process. Ack.
  
• Clean cat litter - yes, there are 13 acres for the cats to do their business in, but they choose to use a litter box inside. Love em.
  
• Walk down the quarter mile drive to see if the ice has melted. It has, but there is about 3 inches of water running OVER the low water bridge. Make a run for it soaking my shoes, socks and jeans. Walk the remaining way to the road, pick up yesterdays mail and newspaper and drive the car back up to the house (couldn't drive on the sheet of ice covering the drive for the last 10 days.)
  
• Load up the car with empty water bottles to refill at the grocery store. I had used my last ounce of water over the 10 days that I couldn't drive back and forth and needed to get drinking water. Drive the 15 minutes to the store and load the 5 gallon jugs into the car. Drive home and wrestle them into the house. Plop one on the dispenser splashing water everywhere.

Well, I am off to sweep the porch, vacuum and do more laundry. Romantic, inspiring, the perfect dream isn't it? Nope. It is incredibly hard living - you have to think through everything you do. Beautiful, yes. Stress free - no way! I must channel a bit of my Hungarian roots when I think of farm living and Zsa Zsa from Green Acres comes out in full force! I am, by most accounts, a better sport about it all!

Ice and a broken heart.

I am taking a bit of a break here - we are expecting an ice storm with over an inch of accumulation. Not good for a heavily wooded area. And I am working through some family stuff - and am just heart broken. More when the ice melts and the heart heals.