MoxieLife

Sitting with my crazy little mind.

Sitting has been in my life since early this year - it was a chance to stop talking about what was happening in my life and to just quietly watch my thoughts and feelings. It was an opportunity to stop telling my story and just experience myself.

It's funny, last weekend my husband and I went on a walk around the lake in our neighboring park. On that walk I planned what we were having for dinner, felt like I was on a death march with him behind me pushing me along, retold stories of conversations I wish I would have had, and listened to a chorus of birds - all in my head. There were only brief moments that I was actually just walking on the trail and those moments were peaceful.

I am no expert at sitting meditation, and I miss days more then I would like, but I know that it makes a difference in my life. I slow down. I appreciate. I act rather than react. All of that is off the cushion but comes from the practice of sitting and watching my breath and my mind do it's crazy little thing.

This is part of Gwen Bell's #Best09 Blog Challenge and sitting is part of my 40/40 Challenge.

Those sleepless nights worrying about loose ends.

You know that awful feeling when you wake up at 2:43am and you can't get back to sleep because you have so many must do's, want to do's, and loose ends rattling around in your head. Well, that was my night. I am juggling a lot of work and personal projects and I can't seem to figure out how to get it all done.

Or, what really happens is I get resentful because my husbands to do list doesn't seem as long. That feeling is the worst. It goes through a series of things: resentment, anger, frustration, and then resolve. All within the wee hours of the morning in complete silence in bed.

Terrible.

Then in the morning when I told him I didn't sleep well he just said to give him the things that he can do and just do the things I can do - consider them done, he said.

How easy was that.

So much better then wanting to shake him awake at 4:15am shrieking that it wasn't fair that I have to DO so much. (I didn't do that... I just WANTED to do that.)

Real change could happen in Afghanistan

I know there are those that will consider this idea nation building. I also know that there are people who think war is the answer or at least hunting down and killing terrorists is the answer. There are also those that just want us to get out of Afghanistan.

But I propose something different.

I propose that we stop fighting and we start helping.

Lay down our guns (or at least just use them to protect the people) and pick up the shovel.

If we changed our strategy of fighting an unseen enemy to build schools, hospitals, clinics, farms, wells, and whatever else the people need to rebuild their society we would be making LONG TERM changes to the country that would benefit generations and plant the seeds of respect and trust.

Fighting isn't working.

We don't know where we are shooting and the people of Afghanistan are suffering.

What happened after the 70's pullout of the Soviet Union is that the Taliban went in and built schools - schools that used education as a tool for hate (how many bullets can your gun hold and how many people can be killed with one round - a fun math problem for 4th graders). While we abdicated and left weapons for them to use. They built a nation and crippled a society.

So, why don't we follow their lead? Why don't we do what we do best and build roads, economies, hospitals? Why can't our military be used as forces of good.

I propose that it is a solution that would work - in the long term. And although unconventional it is a chance to do what is right.

Either that or we just leave and, really, that didn't work last time.

Shut up and get to work

I just don't understand why everyone is standing around talking about health care. Sure, consensus is good in theory, discussion helps people feel like they have talked, and committees can bring project to life - but in my experience people who DO get more done. People who TALK get very little done. So, I would like to see less talking in DC and more doing.

Seriously, how many of you have been on a committee to design, create, or move something along. I am SURE that those in the church have and those of you who work in any kind of office have as well. Now, you may come back and say that things worked out so well, good changes were made, people made great contributions. But my experience has been that watered down ideas get done and crap sits in committee forever. It is when someone says "I'll do it" that something gets done.

In my line of work, I have designed countless things that had to go before a committee and what always happens (unless I have done a very good coaching job from the beginning) is that they pick the worst idea and blend it with other ideas until what is produced is heartless and without any dynamic meaning.

Which is exactly what I see happening in DC.

So, if anyone is listening to me - I advise them to shut up and get to work. Stop trying to get consensus. Stop trying to get everyone's ideas. Just go do what you want to do. Someone will be happy and someone won't, but if they keep at it like they are now no one will really be happy with what is produced.

Do your least favorite thing - no excuses

So, yesterday I talked about having a No Excuses Life. The idea is that you show up for what needs to be done and you don't make excuses for any of it. Everyday we make lists (either in our head or on paper) and we either cross things off or we don't. The lists keep coming day after day and there are always things on the list that you don't want to do.

They vary for different people. Personally, I don't like paying bills, filing paper, or dealing with the IRS. Granted these are all things that we have to do. And I just do it. We all just do those things. (Some happily, to my amazement.) 

Everyone has a list of things they don't like doing (exercise, flossing, cooking, etc.) Make your list. What are the things that have to be done that you just don't like doing? The challenge is to just do them - don't wait, don't put them off - just do them. Do them when they need to be done.

I challenge you to pick the thing you like the least and just do it. See what it feels like to just do it and cross it off your list.

There is a level of anxiety that happens when you think about or start doing something that you don't like doing, but when it is over the response is usually, "that wasn't so bad."

The key is that it has to be something that has to be done - not something that you think you should do. That is something for another post - those pesky shoulds. Pick your thing, do it, and let me know how it was.

A No Excuses Life

Stop making excuses. I find myself in this trap often and I don't like the feeling that comes over me when I make an excuse. The remedy? Just stop making them. I am beginning to think that all there is to life is showing up. You make your own heaven and your own hell. Some people live in ways that I couldn't fathom living, but they are happy and others are in situations that continue to drive them crazy. What seems to be true everywhere is that people (me included) have a million excuses for not doing.

I don't have time.
I forgot to do that.
I was meaning to do that.

On and on, but all those excuses just add up to more nothing.

The reality is that every time I make an excuse for not doing something I am shortchanging myself and I have two real options. I can either do it or I can say I don't want to do it. Both can be difficult depending on what it is that I am supposed to be doing. Often though, if I am putting something off it is because I really don't want to do it - and wouldn't being honest about that be better than continuing to make excuses?

No, I don't want to attend a meeting where nothing gets done.

No, I don't want to meet with you and talk about something until it is dead.

No, I don't want to work on that project because it won't move anywhere.

Granted, in some situations you just HAVE to do it - and I'll talk about that more at a later date.

What I am frustrated by is my own unaccountability. That I will make excuses rather than just do something - it is as if there is some mental block to just doing what needs to be done and then stress happens because stuff piles up.

So, I propose that living a NO EXCUSES life would be easier, less stress filled, and more balanced. Things would get done, I would have integrity, and commitments would be met.

A challenge, but definitely worth considering. What is your experience with excuses?

Depression is the topic of the day - and everyday lately.

Today a friend of my daughters stopped by to pick something up and he asked about my husband - more specifically he asked about depression. He talked about noticing that he had ups and downs and wondered what constituted depression. I shared what I know about it and that although ups and downs are normal given his families history I would just watch that neither end is too dramatic.

It seems that because I have been honest about depression and how it effects a family I have had lots of people share with me their story or ask questions. I am not an expert - I only know what it feels like to be the family member. My mom was bipolar, my sister has tried to commit suicide and my husband has depression. I have seen the gamut of reactions to the illness, the drugs, and therapy. Good and bad.

Because of this I have been doing some reading about what it is like for the spouse or family member and I found this: "When husbands have depression, it can tear apart their marriage and family. Wives may take over and hope the problem will go away, or on the opposite end, withdraw, feeling betrayed and angry. More often, they alternate back and forth between these behaviors and emotions. Fifty percent of wives caring for a depressed husband will develop depression themselves."

I found the description of alternating back and forth from helpfulness to despair to be so accurate. I had never seen myself so adequately described. I had thought that I had been handling our lives and his depression in some special way only to find out that I am just like everyone else.

The truth is that depression or mental illness in a family is extremely difficult. That commercial where it says it hurts everyone is pretty accurate. What really hurts is when the depressed person isn't seeking treatment.

What I recommend is that the person get treated AND the family. It isn't a one person thing - everyone has feelings about it and needs to work through those. The current treatment is to treat the patient, but I HIGHLY recommend that the family seek treatment too - you have a lot of feelings surrounding this and working with a therapist can help.

The other thing - talk about it. Depression isn't scary, you can't catch it, and it only helps to be honest about it. I have to say the more honest I have been the more people have been able to reach out about their own issues. If we can help people out isn't that a good thing?

Forgive or forget it?

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness. It seems in our society (or at least in the small southern town I live in) forgiveness isn't in. It is no secret (at this point anyway) that my husband left in January and we are on the rocky road of something - not sure what to call it actually.

On both sides of the issue stand my friends - who are by all accounts more my friend then his.

• The "protective don't be a victim" side asks when I am going to give an ultimatum? When am I just going to move on?
• The "life is messy" friends ask do I have it in my heart to forgive him and keep waiting.

I have to tell you that I side with the forgiveness side. I am no saint (stop snickering) and know that I have not been perfect in all of my relationships. In fact, I am still learning. I believe we all are still learning. I also believe that life is really messy and people get messed up in it. Having a place in our life for forgiving allows us to also forgive ourselves.

I was sharing with a friend last night that when I was dealing with my mom (another topic all together) I felt better when I placed boundaries on the relationship and I felt terrible when I slammed the door and said fuck off. A lesson that I learned at the end of our relationship sadly.

So, for now I am still on the rocky road - and open to forgiveness in all of its forms.

I am so out of this pity party!

I admit that I have been a big dork. I was doing SO WELL! I was getting happier. I was enjoying life and then WHOMP I was feeling sorry for myself and looking for a violin player! What a total dork. Let me tell you how this downward spiral into pity got started.

Two weeks ago, on Mother's Day, my husband called to say that he would like to join us when we went to Silver Dollar City (a local amusement park) for Our Sparkly Girl's 19th birthday. First, I was stunned that he called and wanted to talk with me and secondly I was stunned that he wanted to go somehwere with us. Remember, I have not seen him sense January when he ran away screaming - quite literaly.

So, I said yes.

Then the wheels starting churning and I started to get anxious about the day. I quizzed all of my friends on what I should do, say, wear, etc. I was so nervous... all for naught. It was a fine day. There were some akward pauses, but basically it was fine. We are good friends and it was an easy companionship - nothing stressful about it. Granted, my motherly instincts went in when I saw that he had lost at least 50 pounds. Other then that it was a great day and we parted with a hug and a kiss on the top of my head with the promise to write weekly.

So, why the pity party?

Well, I started to think I couldn't be patient anymore. That I had had enough of this current situation. That I just wanted him home and because he wasn't I was sad and miserable. Well, let me tell you THAT is no fun to be around - ask my daughter!

So, I am officially ending this pity party. I am getting back on the "I am OK" bus and starting to relive my life. Sure, I miss him, but if he isn't ready to come home I can't sit around thinking I am a horrible failure with nothing to live for (see where this pity party leads!) I have a life and just one last time I looked so I better start living it.

Life is rushing by.

Have you ever had the feeling that you aren't really living your life how you want to? It seems to me that I would like to make time for simple things, little rituals to mark time, moments that make the everyday seem special. Unfortunately, I am lost in the too busy and not noticing mode. The effort that it takes to make time to mark the little things in life with a toast, a lit candle, or a moment of reflection seem too hard. In the end does all of this rushing around doing really add up to something? At some point I think I have to realize that I am never going to be a Martin Luther King Jr. or Susan B. Anthony - that my life is made up of smaller stuff. It seems that the rushing around to get things done isn't amounting to a whole lot - that is what I am trying to say.

 In fact - I don't think I am very happy at all.

I rush around to make things happen. I rush around to make a little more money that just gets sucked up into some other void and I never see the fruits of that rushing around. I rush around to get things clean only to have them get messy again in a second. I rush around to get dinner on the table only to have it eaten in less then a minute.

 And, really, this isn't making my life happier or easier.

In fact, I try to make time for friends and family or for myself and I feel myself rushing through that too. There is no joy there.

So, the question becomes how do I get off that track - how to I relish life, enjoy the moments, and feel settled?