Before entering therapy in January I thought I had it together pretty well. Granted, my life was a mess, but I thought that I was coping as best a person could. What I didn't realize is how very stuck I was - my inability to share my own feelings or ask for what I wanted was a catalyst in the breakdown of my marriage. As a friend pointed out a few days ago when she heard that we were having trouble, "but you communicate for a living, you know how to do this." The funny thing is I am quite adept at communicating FOR OTHER people - when it comes to me I tend to clam up.
So, for the last 5 months I have been slowly practicing how to share how I feel and now that my husband and I are reconciling I am having to really put that work into practice. He is out of town tonight and he called to ask me what I did today. I shared the excitement of laundry, walking, going to the library, and that I did a lot of writing. He asked what and why I was writing. I explained that as part of my "work" I am using journaling as a way to process how I feel. So, then, of course, he asked how I felt. And the truth is I feel like him coming home is the exact same feeling as putting on a pair of jeans that fits perfectly. Comfort, relief, and joy. I am also feeling nervous. Nervous that I am going to say or do the wrong thing and low level of anxiety is exhausting. He said, "don't clam up." And it is my sincerest hope that I don't - that I can share how I feel and what I want without being ashamed or frightened. Because I know that if I do clam up I will be living the same nightmare I was 5 months ago and I don't want to go that route.
