MoxieLife

A whopper of a week.

Last week was a whopper. It started Monday morning with an unhappy email, then on Tuesday my husband extended his sabbatical by another six weeks, then I had to meet with the bank to work out terms to save my fathers house, then I had to get all of my tax stuff for myself and my parents to the accountant, then to end the week my sister threatened to commit suicide if I didn't let her move here the next day.

    Hey, God - wherever you are - I am a little overwhelmed down here.

Seriously, I feel as if I have been run over by a truck, but there are no physical signs so everyone thinks I should be running along just fine.

So, what do you do when you have a troublesome time in your life? I swear, I never intended to be Crisis Central. Do you hide out in your house? Do you go about your business and pretend it isn't happening? Do you crumble into bed and not get out until the world looks a little brighter?

Let's say I had been run over by a truck - you would see that I was hurt, you would probably acknowledge and understand the pain - this stuff though isn't obvious and just too messy for most folks. I don't want anyone to go out of their way, but it is so hard to ACT normal when life isn't normal.

Let's just hope that this week is a little more balanced.

Life is a mess - boil an egg.

Rather then go into the really difficult week I have been having I thought I would share how to perfectly boil an egg. If nothing else is going right it is nice to know that you can at least have a perfectly boiled egg.

Perfect Hard Boiled Eggs

Place eggs in pan with an inch of cold water covering the eggs.

Bring to a hard boil.

When it is boiling hard (you know this because it is actively bubbling like crazy) take the pan off of the heat and let sit for exactly 10 minutes.

Then plunge the eggs in cold water to stop the cooking process.

The reason of course is that you are avoiding that unattractive green/grey on the yolk. When that occurs I assume that you have overcooked the egg and then your yolks will be cake like rather then creamy.

Eggs, a perfect food for an imperfect world.

How far do your roots go down?

I am not terribly disciplined. I admit it. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants. I am by most accounts truly a Libra and tend to try to achieve balance in any given situation. The problem with this is that I can easily give up. When it gets too hard, too personal, too uncomfortable I check out. Either emotionally or physically. And I don't like this.

Sticking to something seems really attractive lately.

For example, my family has moved 9 times in 19 years. We are not in the military. We just can, for better or worse, pick up and move. Usually it isn't because of a job or other life changing event. It is just to try different scenery. In and of itself moving isn't a problem. What is the problem is that I get antsy and think that moving on might be a good idea. Maybe work isn't perfect, friends aren't all that, the restaurants aren't good enough anymore. Whatever it is - and we just simply moved on.

Someone asked my what I was doing now and I told them practicing putting my roots down.

I am putting my roots down in so many ways. I am staying in the same house, same town, same friends and I am learning that there is real growth by staying.

I am also putting my roots down or practicing discipline by sitting even when I don't want to. I tell you I avoid the chair that I mediate in like it has the plague, but finally I sit my ass down and breathe. Just because the practice of discipline is important to me - not just avoiding what is uncomfortable. I am exercising regularly - not something that comes natural to me. So, when I don't want to do it I am doing it anyway. Putting my roots down. Feeling the strength of that.

The jury is definitely still out - I am a beginner at this discipline thing, but I have the feeling I am going to learn a lot.

Confessions of a Coffee Addict.

One of the things on my recent lists of accomplishments was giving up coffee and that sparked the most interest from friends. Why did I give up coffee? How did I give up coffee? Well, anyone who knows me knows I am a true coffee lover. So, why give up something that obviously gives me pleasure (trust me I am no masochist)?

The confession: My name is Jacqueline and I am an addict.

Seriously, I drank 12 cups of coffee a day. I planned trips, vacations, road travel, work time, etc all around consuming coffee. I love the smell, taste, sensation of it waking my brain up just a bit more then normal. In fact, I can remember the first time I drank it. I was at Bob's Big Boy in Anaheim, CA at 10:00 at night in high school after a long afternoon of a rehearsal for Sweet Charity. I had the lead role and was tired and burned out and oh so high school drama queen. Anyway, I thought we are here in this very funky diner I should have some coffee. I ordered it, poured most of the cream from the little metal container into the mug so that the coffee was the color of lightly toasted bread and drank it in. I never really looked back from there. There were moments - when I was pregnant, when I went on a super health kick, and when I have been sick, but mostly there has always been coffee.

Fact: it is my only real vice. I don't drink, do drugs, gamble, have innapropriate sex with strangers, lie, steal, cheat...

So, again, why give up something I obviously love?

Well... I didn't like myself on coffee.

I was angry, irritated, grumpy, moody, and resentful. It sparked those emotions so quickly and it was starting to make me uncomfortable. I didn't want to be this bitter angry coffee drinker.

So, I quit.

Slowly. I cut back from 12 to 10 to 8 to 6 to 4 cups a day. Then the power went out during the ice storms of all ice storms and I had no choice to really give it up (no coffee maker) so I gave up.

And I FEEL GREAT! Seriously, I feel like I can feel. I can stop and listen to my heart and my brain. There is no rushing, swirling emotions. I feel calm and relaxed. I don't feel angry all of the time (and trust me I think I have things I could seriously be angry about). I can give reasoned answers to questions rather then flying off the handle.

Are these REAL symptoms of coffee? To me they are. They exasperated my anxiety and made life more difficult. I don't need the rush of energy. In fact, I have MORE energy now. I am less groggy and more focused. Granted folks I am now drinking black tea - 2-3 cups a day. I'm not crazy! I still love my hot beverages!

How does coffee/caffine effect you?

Photo by chavals

Generosity an act of letting go for Lent.

For Lent I am doing a practice of generosity and I thought I should expand a bit about this. This isn't about giving lots of money - I don't really have any to give. It also isn't about just giving for giving sake. Instead it is about giving when it feels like I can't and stretching my heart.

"The essence of generosity is letting go. Pain is always a sign that we are holding onto something - usually ourselves. When we feel unhappy, when we feel inadequate, we get stingy; we hold on tight." - Pema Chodron.

It is that tight feeling that I am trying to work with.

Here is the scenario, someone wants to talk to you about their problems, but you are head over heels in your own muck. You don't have time to listen to their mundane issues. Or do you? There is a feeling of tightness when you withhold your self. For me it manifests in a tightening in my chest, my teeth clench, my tongue tightens, my eyes squint and I feel hard. What I am working with is to feel that and then feel the release of that by taking the time to listen. To give of myself.

I am not talking about always saying yes to baking those damn brownies for the church lunch. I am talking about when you are pushed to give when you don't want to and you could. You could give your time, energy, heart, listening, sharing. You could give and you could let go of the selfish act of being tight and holding back.

It is hard. It takes patience and kindness with myself. I am not beating myself up when I feel myself hardening up, but I am learning to feel that. I think this time spent is helping me to let go - to loosen up - to relax.

How do you feel when you aren't being generous and what does it mean for you?

Photo by micache

Oy Update.

For those of you following the story about my chicken Oy... she laid an egg today. Truly a miracle. I am in awe of the power of nature to heal.

Photo by Zamario

Some of what I have learned over the last three months.

I was thinking lately of all that I have accomplished, created, or dealt with while my husband and I were on sabbatical. It is both a list of the mundane and the profound - which is fitting considering the circumstances. Some things were just things I had to learn because I had never done them before and some were things that I worked through that were completely new. Take a look:

1. Survived the worst ice storm to hit our area in 75 years. This included 6 days without power or heat. Really a trial and an amazing start to this journey. You don't know who you are until you are completely alone without power, a telephone, the ability to drive, and no heat. I felt after this experience that there was very little that I couldn't accomplish in life.
2. Figured out how to set up and cook on our propane camp stove.
3. Made an appointment and started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. (I credit this and two other things as the keys to the balance that I am now feeling.)
4. Started sitting (meditation) (second thing I credit with new balance)
5. Started writing in a journal. (third thing!)
6. Started exercising (biking, walking, interval workout)
7. Cleared the low water bridge of debris in the ice to let the water flow underneath.
8. Moved fallen trees (one hanging over the top of my car!)
9. Figured out how to change the heater filter. (Thanks Bob!)
10. Started an account book - I now know exactly how much money we have or don't have.
11. Learned to burn debris.
12. Cleaned out our closet and gave away over 10 bags of clothes making room for him to have an entire side of the closet.
13. Cleaned out my dresser, alter, and created drawer organizers.
14. Cleaned out nick nacks and gave away a car load of stuff.
15. Invented a toilet paper holder from a hangar the hangs off the tank.
16. Rearranged the electronics to be less cluttered.
17. Vacuumed behind our bed. Ewww!
18. Washed all of our quilts and blankets.
19. Made the bed every day.
20. Cleaned out under the kitchen sink.
21. Cleaned out the tupperware.
22. Cleaned out the bathroom toiletries. (It is amazing how many odds and ends accumulate.)
23. Showed my dad's house once.
24. Had Sparkly Girl home for Spring Break - odd just the two of us, but it was great!
25. Cleaned the top of the refrigerator.
26. Cleaned out the fridge.
27. Flew to Chicago and attended a conference.
28. Figured out and arranged house sitting while I was gone.
29. Started working through my responsibility for how my life is.
30. Started working through my belief structure (who is this God?)
31. Working through my grief.
32. Learning new communication skills.
33. Learning new listening skills.
34. Took a new job.
35. Took on two new clients.
36. Was published in a book.
37. Won a prize.
38. Saved my chicken Oy's life by calling my chicken whisperer!
39. Painted sleeping porch - well, really my Sparkly Girl did this, but I helped clean the darn thing off!
40. Rearranged living room.
41. Sewed a cute patchwork table cloth.
42. Created great curtains for the dining room with embroidered placemats!
43. Figured out water pump issue.
44. Painted office (actually painting now, will be done Friday)
45. Bleached bathroom.
46. Cleaned out chicken coop.
47. Took Christmas decorations to shed.
48. Stopped drinking coffee.
49. Trying vegetarian diet (this is new this week.)
50. Didn't freak out (too much) on Sparkly Girl when she was late.
51. Moved cat litter to a better spot.
52. Created cat door/dog blocker to protect the cat food from Zeppelin.
53. Took care of the chickens everyday.
54. Pretty much stopped watching TV... or at least way less.

Big things and small things, but all together the list is pretty impressive. I have never lived alone and doing a lot of these things alone was new to me. Also some of those things included learning skills I didn't have or were physically demanding in a way I never thought I could handle. I can not express the value of this time adequately. Just to see the strength of body, mind and character has been amazing. The real value though has been in the self care and the space to breathe.

This atheist/free thinker loves Jesus - let me tell you why.

I thought since I had been exploring my thoughts about God I should share my love of Jesus! Yep, this atheist/agnostic/free thinker LOVES Jesus. I know you are shocked, but let me explain this deep affection for this amazing miracle worker.

First, MY Jesus was a great man. He wasn't the son of God anymore than any of you and I are. He didn't actually do any miracles. He never rose from the dead. Now that we have that straight let me tell you about WHY I love Jesus.

This was a man who lived in a highly regulated time. Everything had a rule (think Old Testament here). People were blindly following the rules without really thinking about their meaning. So, Jesus, a little disturbed by all of this goes out into the desert to meditate on the meaning of life. So, he sat (yep, he took the One Seat). While sitting he got in touch with who he was, the nature of God, the nature of love and how we should interact in the world. Then, inspired or on fire with this feeling of being awake he rushed to tell his friends and family. All of which who looked at him a little sideways.

So, he decided to SHOW them how to be. He treated those of the lowest caste with great love, he told the money changers that houses of worship were to be treated with awe and honor, and he taught us to love. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. Love nature. Love God. Just love.

It is that radical love that I LOVE. I could be a Jesus Freak if we followed his radical example of how to love in our lives. If we were to see him as the absolute answer to negative action, harsh words, war, violence and to respond with love I would proclaim to everyone that I love Jesus.

The problem is that Jesus has been taken over by Christians. They took their Old Testament need to sacrifice a lamb and create blood rituals to absolve their inability to choose love at all times (ie: sin) and made poor radical Jesus their scapegoat. Too bad because Jesus rocks all on his own!

God part three or who is your God?

Healing, interfering, win sporting events, save countries, watch over war, weather... you name it God can do all of it or none of it depending on your outlook. As I look at the idea of God and what others believe I see that there are all kinds of attributes given to Him/Her. We seem to like to personify God into a father figure that is there to nurture us or into a presence within all living things.

One friend writes, "I’m very embarrassed for God, especially the evangelical one (the one associated with the Bible) most Western civilizations refer to. He seems to have no sexual drive; performs ridiculous parlor tricks; and has absolutely no sense of humor."

God, the Loving Parent

While others see him as a friend. Someone that they can rely on to be the constant source of love in a difficult time. This attribute seems most like a loving parent to me and I often wonder if there was either a lack of love in that familial relationship that they are trying to find or if they are replacing something that they loved so dearly. Either way it seems so parental, which as a parent, has both the aspect of love but of being the dominate rule maker. So, does "tough love" happen with this kind of God?

If God is part of your active waking life and controls what you do or at least observes it are you always aware of that? Do your actions reflect that kind of thinking or is it only in times of crisis or trouble that you remember fully that God is there?

God, as Energy or Love

On the other hand if you are one of my many friends that see God as a reflection or aspect of nature does that help you feel more connected or compassionate to beings or life that you might see as less valuable then human life? The idea that God is energy that flows through each and every thing is a concept that allows a very flexible and open relationship. No longer is God the parent, God just is. Everywhere. This would leave me to believe that there would be ultimate reverance for all things, but the state of the world does not reflect that currently.

God, the Confusion

So, if we are using this term God and we have these two wildly different views of the word how are we communicating? If the Loving Parent person says I believe in God does the Energy person understand what they are talking about? It makes me wonder when we created this One God concept from the previous multiple Gods/Goddesses concept did we lose something - like clarity? If I was worshiping a certain God of Food you would know exactly what I was doing. Now though, we are cramming every possible meaning into what is become a very vast idea and I am beginning to believe that we are making it more difficult to come together as one because of it. It is becoming my God versus your God... is that what we or even God wanted?

God part two or what is your definition of God?

The broad range of definitions of the word God, in my mind, create confusion. Whenever there is a mass of meanings to a particular word there is a lack of communication. Then again one friend pointed out that it is irrelevant that God may or may not exist because it is a concept recognized by most everyone - regardless of the definition. What are those definitions? Here are a few from my sampling of my friends:

"God is a way people delegate responsibilities "
"Boundless Perfect Love"
"God is the Source"
"God is Energy"
"God is Spirit"
"You cannot "think" God; rather, you must feel, see, hear, or experience God. "
"God is Mother, Father, Healer"
"God is that which we do not know"

So, what is this God? Is it the Trinity concept that one friend thinks works so perfectly? Is it just the things in life or nature that we can not explain? Is it the energy that runs through everything? Is it the idea that we can lean on someone during times of crisis that will create comfort?

One friend shared that Atheists are probably more hung up on God then believers. A statement I can attest to. I have to say that with all the talk of the God Gene it makes me wonder if I am just missing out on the genetic code that makes me a believer or if it was being raised by a skeptic that brought me to where I am. I identify with the ideas of Freethinkers because they don't know and accept that they don't know - that is my concept of God today.

What is yours?

More later on what God can and can not provide or do - it is amazing the powers of God!