MoxieLife

40 days towards a more generous heart.

This is the year that I turn 40. I have been spinning that in my head for some time. On my husbands 40th birthday our friends performed an excerpt of A Midsummer's Night Dream on our porch just for him. It was a fabulous evening to celebrate his day.

As we enter the Lenten season I thought about the number 40. There are 40 days that Lent is observed and although I am not a Christian as a Unitarian Universalist I do recognize our Christian heritage, and after careful thought I am going to honor Lent by practicing generosity.

I was inspired by the ideas presented through the use of a simple green string tied to your dominate hand. The idea is that "Ask yourself, What is the most generous response I can make? whenever you are faced with a choice, a confrontation, or a need. The green string should serve as a reminder to always ask this question."

So, I tied the little embroidery thread on my right wrist as a reminder to be generous. This is something I struggle with. I often hold back just a little for myself. Which, in fact, makes me feel small rather then good.

My intention with this is to give my time, my energy, my money and objects fully - without holding back. This isn't reckless giving, but is responding to needs through love rather then weighing if I or the person in need needs more. I think if I can break through my issue of giving just a little I will feel more free. I'll let you know as I go along.

Is being right more important than having peace?

Years ago, maybe when my daughter was 13 (she is 18 now) I had this idea that everything that caused me pain or frustration was because I wanted something my way. I didn't act on it, but it has been floating in my mind for a while. It was just lately that I have begun to realize how true that is. Here are two scenarios where I see that happening - see if you can identify.

Scenario One
I want my husband to take out the trash. In fact, it is all I can think that he should be doing RIGHT NOW. I ask him. Then I ask him again. Then I just feel frustrated and angry that he isn't doing this. Isn't it OBVIOUS that the trash needs to be taken out. How stupid can he be that he can't see that.

But wait - I WANT the trash taken out. I WANT it taken out right now. I WANT him to want it. I WANT him to understand why it is so important to me.

Solution - Instead of wanting HIM to take out the trash right now I can either ask and let him do it when it works for him OR I can take it out right now. Both of those cause me NO PAIN. There is no suffering for me and I don't act out on him - creating peace.

Scenario Two
My daughter is always running late for Sunday School (this is in the past!). It starts at 10 and I don't understand why she can't get up a half an hour before we go and be on time. I start waking her up at 9, then 9:15, then 9:30, then 9:45, then she finally pulls herself out of bed. In the mean time I am seething because I don't want her to be late for Sunday School. I don't want to be perceived as the lazy family. We drive to the church not talking and angry.

But wait - I WANT to be on time. I WANT her to want to be on time. I WANT to be seen as the responsible family.

Solution - Instead we could just be late. What will happen if we are late? Nothing. We would just be late and then she would learn what it was to be late and adjust her schedule on her own. My image doesn't have to be tied to her being late - creating peace.

Does any of this resonate for you? I think I am getting it. When I want an outcome that is just for me and I am fighting the current I am unhappy. I get small and angry and I feel as if I have to be right. In fact, I will try to be right more then I will try to seek peace. Being right seems to matter more - but it also causes me the most stress.

Of course there are things to fight for - but that idea of choosing our battles comes to mind. Fight for what REALLY matters. If I can give up fighting to get my way on a personal level I can focus more fully on those bigger issues.

What is your reality versus your story? Or how do we really live in peace?

OK, I get it. Stop beating me over the head with it! - Do you ever feel that way? Like the universe is REALLY trying to teach you a lesson and gosh darn it you better get it. Over the last week I have been reading, hearing, or thinking about the idea of REALITY versus OUR STORY. Now, you may think that you story is reality, and that is fine, but I will tell you that the universe is showing me that I couldn't be farther from the truth.

We all know that when two siblings experience the same thing in childhood their perception of that moment and their story of that moment will often be different. This happens because we are all filtering it through our own emotional lens. Both stories are true-ish... they just might not be what REALLY happened.

The problem is when I start to see all things through the lens of my story. Such as, my husband doens't love me. Well, actually he has proven over and over that he does. I am just so STUCK in my own version of reality that I will discount the truth just to stay in my own belief.

See where I am going with this -

Here is another example: my sister was complaining that her family doesn't eat leftovers and she has to throw them away. She says that she always cooks too much and her family should eat them. I said, "but that isn't the reality. They don't eat leftovers. You cook too much. This isn't their issue... it's yours."

Granted those are pretty simple explanations of the idea that we are living inside what we believe rather then what is really happening. My thought is that if we could examine our stories we might be able to live a bit fuller. We might actually have a little peace. Because my stories of what is happening or going to happen are really much worse then what is really happening.

The reality is my husband tells me all the time how beautiful I am, but I can't even hear that because my story is that I am chubby and he doesn't think I am cute any more. EVEN THOUGH HE TELLS ME I AM BEAUTIFUL. Can you see the madness in this? I am MORE willing to live in the story I made up to feel sorry for myself or discount myself then I am to open up to what he is saying. This is crazy!

Universe - I hear you! I hear you! I'll read the books - I'll start investigating... goodness!

For more on this you might check out Pema Chodron's book "The Wisdom of No Escape" or Byron Katies book "Loving What Is"

The Athiest Spokesperson reconciles her attitudes towards nonbelievers.

I have been really wrestling with my attitudes towards believers and last night I had some clarity on the issue. Perhaps this will help those who feel they have been hurt or those struggling with a friend or family members belief or religious practice.

When I belittle or make fun of people who believe in God I do it because it justifies my non-belief. As an Atheist/Agnostic I am choosing to not believe in God. I, instead, believe in science. The belief in science, although perhaps more tested, is still just a belief. And that belief is fervent - just as fervent as the most devout Christian or Hindu.

So, isn't my ridicule of their belief just a way to justify my own belief? Isn't it because I am not 100% sure that I am right? I can make myself and my belief system seem so much more important or thought out or reasoned if I make fun of theirs.

But, who REALLY knows? Who really knows if there is or isn't a God? No one. Not really - and so we just hold onto our beliefs and put down the other side. It seems no different then someone loving the Yankees but hating the Red Sox.

The bigger issue is that when we are making fun or putting down our friends, family, or community members we are separating ourselves. We are making them the "other" - the odd one - the bad people. Doesn't that make it worse for us? They are comfortable in their belief and we are the ones struggling.

So, what do you do with this when you are confronted with their idea to celebrate Jesus or give everything to God? I think you just let them and find a little curiosity in their belief system - or how it gives them strength, power, or comfort. Be interested. Learn more. Don't shut the door by thinking they are stupid.

When we close off our minds and hearts because people are radically different then us we are only hurting our own experience. Learning to have an open mind and heart will benefit us in the long run. Plus, if we can look deeply into what they believe with an open mind we can more fully feel comfortable with what we believe.

More meditation secrets from Joost - or how you can sit too.

I am continuing my conversation with Joost, who so graciously shared his enthusiasm and experience with sitting/meditation.

So, I have been sitting for 20 minutes each evening - I also practice a method from Natalie Goldberg called free writing - she is a Zen student and writer.
I tried transcendental meditation (I picked some nonsense word and repeated it, repeatedly…) for a while, early on, before becoming interested in Vipassana. Twenty minutes. Guaranteed pleasure of a sort. Seemed too banal and confectionery. Was looking for something deeper and more of a (I hesitate to use the word) challenge. That’s why I was able to listen to the program about Vipassana and why it interested me.

When I sat I typically found 40 minutes to be the time period after which my body said: “Enough of this, it’s time to get up!” (20 minutes, as I said, seemed a bit too fast food culture for me) Forcing myself to go 60 always seemed the right way not to give in to my more carnal side.

I cheat and sit on my favorite chair.
Cheating is fine, if you do it mindfully.

Do you sit every day?
I try to. It was difficult when I worked 40+ hr/wk at another location.

Do you sit when you travel?
I definitely try to. Sometimes however, the schedule gets so screwed up (or I’ve had too much to drink…) that it is difficult.

Do you do the loving-kindness practice or do you just follow your breath?
I have done LKP (my acronym!) and might if I notice that I am particularly pissed off at someone (and that seems to be getting in the way) but for the most part I follow my breath…until something interferes and I follow it…return to my breath, etc.  There are times I specifically discipline myself to, say, count my breath (count 5 breaths; count 5 breaths again, etc.). This (zen technique) is because there are times I believe I need to improve my concentration (insight meditation is not concentration (there’s another word for it) specific as is Zen)

How do you use this in your daily life - when you aren't sitting on your husk cushion?
I can’t really answer this question. Sitting is something I do, but Vipassana is more of a life style.

• I notice that I find observation, sheer observation, to be an incredibly attractive and absorbing activity.
• I’m slow to take umbrage at any behavior (especially behaviors directed against me) because I don’t feel anything being umbraged.
• I’ve pretty much got the suffering…avoidance, leading to more suffering, etc. rap down but it also means something to me and I’ve experienced the mechanism repeatedly as well as the mechanism of acceptance.
• I am able, to a large part, to accept pain (especially within the very artificial sitting environment and to literally watch it come…and pass. I believe that pain, pleasure, indeed any phenomena…of its nature, changes and that nothing more than acceptance is necessary to usher it through its life. In like manner, attempting to hold on to pleasure is just as counterproductive as striving to avoid pain. I’ve come to appreciate change.
• I’m fascinated by the notion of “nothingness” as voiced in the concept of the “Middle Way”,  though none of the popular culture Mahayana explanations do it justice. When I say that “I get nothing out of my sitting” I believe I am uttering a profound statement. (Look up Nagarjuna for fascinating background on the Middle Way, etc.)
• I truly know we are all enlightened, and though I may (less and less occasionally) sometimes wish for some sort of lightbulb moment, I think all that is silly and that I just need to sit.
• I’m still able to play the games known as careers (largely given that one up); artist; etc. without seeing them as counterproductive.
• My understandings and ability to put into words the things I experience has progressed, but I just don’t know if the behaviors I describe were behaviors I always had or if they came out of sitting. The change has been too gradual to tell.

 

Do you think that the practice has given you a sense of peace or some other quality that you were looking for?
It’s the most important thing I do. It’s been very rewarding because it has not burdened me with anything and is no longer in the employ of anything I might be looking for.

I am completely touched by Joost's honesty and sharing of his experience. He is possibly one of the most engaged humans that I know and his discipline to sitting is an inspiration to me and I hope for you as well. Plus, if he knows we are all enlightened there is hope for all of us.

Meet my friend Joost - he indulged me with my questions about his 30 year meditation practice.

Years ago I sat/meditated/practiced mindfulness in San Francisco. I have always been intrigued by it and knew it would be something that could be useful for me, but I didn't have the discipline to do it on a consistent basis. Well, as those of you who either know me or read this blog regularly the floor dropped out from under me last month. As part of the work I am doing to regain some footing emotionally I have chosen to practice sitting again.

I had the great opportunity to ask questions about the practice with a dear friend of mine who has been sitting for 30 years. Joost agreed that I could share those questions and his insightful answers here. He gave me great assurance that this practice was useful or meaningful when he said, "If you asked me what the most valuable thing I do is, I would probably say sitting." If you have ever been intrigued with the idea of mediation I hope that his answers help - if you already practice I would love to know your experience as well.

Hey, Do you still sit?
Yes, definitely.

Do you sit for an hour a day?
Yes, I would prefer to sit for an hour—twice a day (morning/evening). (I did that for 3 years.)

Do you sit in the day or night?
I’m a morning person. It’s what I do after walking the dog—usually around 6:30 AM. I’m pretty much guaranteed to be awake, not suffering cramps of any sort, and most of all it’s the time I’m most likely not to be burdened with the worries of the day.

When you started did you work with a teacher?
Back in the mid 70s, I heard on NPR (WBAI NY) two (Jewish boys from Brooklyn) guys Joseph Goldstein, and Jack Kornfield talking about something called Vipassana meditation. I was impressed with how simple, direct, and non-guruish what they had to say was. Also the fact they weren’t “promising” anything (i.e., “If you do this, you will get this…”). They’d come back to the US after having studied in monasteries in Thailand and that area for years. I went to the free afternoon they invited and then sat for about 6 months alone, but soon I wanted more direction and got involved in a weekend retreat. Eventually, I did a week retreat—great experience. (So, all in all, besides extensive reading, and occasional showing up at Saturday events I heard about on (W)BAI I didn’t for the most part study with a teacher.

Although I am experienced and mature enough to understand that many roads lead in the right direction, I am still attracted to the Vipassana movement because it is still so non teacher-centric. (There are, mind you, plenty of teachers, good teachers—and stories about teachers, if that interests you.) You’re likely to be able to find a house or 20 in your town where a group of people come once a week to sit for an hour and little more, and from there you can find out the extent of the Vipassana community and local or traveling through teachers.

I would recommend a teacher, at least initially. A retreat, if you can spare the time is really good.

Do you follow a particular school of mediation (Zen, Insight, Tibetan, etc.)
Vipassana is more commonly called Insight Meditation. It is the simplest and most straightforward practice I’ve been exposed to. It is the closest to not having a method.

Zen would interest me also, if only for its rigor, but it is slightly different than Vipassana. Tibetan I associate more with doing things to get things.

Do you sit on a particular cushion or can you sit anywhere?
You can sit anywhere. (You can walk, etc.) I’ve spent hours, days, years, trying to find the perfect thing to sit on (Zafu, triangular pillow, folded blanket) so that I would not experience pain or numbness, but that’s just part of the game. Actually, what I’ve settled on and really like is one of those “bean pillows” (husks of something) in a pillowcase and spun so that it doesn’t lose its shape when I sit on it. (Strictly speaking, if you have good posture and are flexible you shouldn’t need anything to sit on, but lotus position (I do half lotus) without anything is difficult for Westerners.

MORE - Tomorrow... follow my conversation as I ask all manner of questions about his personal experience with sitting.

As the New Spokesperson on How To Be An Atheist...

As I was reading through the comments on my post about my disdain for believers and how I am realizing that is the opposite end of respect I wanted to answer one comment in particular.

smijer said... "I don't know exactly what the right response is. I know it isn't my place to instruct others advice on how to worship. And, I know it's hopeless to try to educate my creationist fellows. But, how are you supposed to feel about people whose beliefs seem so ... how else can I say it? Childish? How can I learn to see it in a respectful way? I really am at a loss, and it's something that worries me all the time."

Really, I do not proclaim to be a spokesperson for Atheists learning to live lightly in the world with believers, but this is where I am today with how I plan to go forward.

• First, I am an Atheist who is comfortable not knowing all the answers (which would probably make me an Agnostic, but that isn't sexy right now).
• Because I don't know all the answers I can have space in my mind for things I don't know or understand. One of those thing is the worship style and belief in God that 95% of Americans practice.
• By opening up that space I can have more kindness to their experience, because really I don't understand it, need it or know what it is for them - and that is OK.

So, I can be kind and that is all that I am asking of myself. Why judge them for their obvious pleasure in things I don't understand?

It occurs to me that they also don't understand me and usually they are kind to me. Granted, there are moments when I think they are kind so I will slide into their side, but that is ok. It also occurs to me that they may think some of the things that I like to be childish too - or fanatical. I like NPR in a worshipful way, I like the library and support it fervently, I believe to my bones that a woman has the right to choose, I am passionate about being a Democrat - all of these things might seem radical or odd to someone who doesn't share my passions or beliefs.

When I look down on them or think I am superior in anyway I feel bad. They may feel bad too. There is no joy in any of that and it only makes life harder. So, I suggest to all of us who think we know better then all the other people who worship one God or another that we relax a little and find curiosity and kindness within ourselves and share that with them.

Another Atheist confession.

Another Atheist confession, I know you are probably tired of these, but as I continue to examine my belief structure I have these rare "aha" moments. This one, though, is embarrassing. I am not only a controlling Atheist, but I am condescending towards those that believe in God.

Ok. I said it.

To make me feel better about rejecting the common belief system of our age (believing in God) I think those that do believe in God are either stupid, child-like or grasping.

This is particularly embarrassing because I am a Unitarian Universalist and we believe in the inherent dignity of all people and respect the path of each member to find their own meaning on this earth. So, I mouth those words, but really I think I am better then you.

Horrible.

I believe that this comes from my insecurity of my own belief in the absence of a God. If I felt confident in this I think I could let you believe what you believe and respect that. Instead I have to be condescending to puff myself up and further strengthen my beliefs. Yikes.

So, the work begins. To understand my own belief system and to learn to truly be accepting of the paths of people sitting in the chairs of my congregation and beyond.

Hey, Anger I named you!

This weekend I did an amazing thing. It may seem REALLY small to you, but to me it was HUGE! I was making the bed, it is a huge king size bed with a ton of quilts on it because it is freezing here. For whatever reason I started to get really angry.

Just flooded with the frustration of the situation that I find myself in.

Well, I named it. I just said out loud Anger. And you know what? It passed. It was a moment that felt amazingly free - although I didn't realize it at the time... only later when I was thinking about the day.

This may not be huge to anyone else, but I am trying my hand at Insight Meditation and reading Jack Kornfield and Pema Chodron. I am sitting each day - and this was the first time in the rest of my life that I just named the emotion as it came up and watched it dissipate. It felt like a small triumph. I know you Zen Masters, you, that I can't get caught up in that. Still - a little happy dance at not being dragged into the emotional swamp.

An Atheist by choice?

Learning to let go may be the theme here for a while. Two weeks ago I started seeing a therapist (totally doing this without pharmaceuticals just talking and more talking) to work through the current crisis in my life - not to be Calamity Jane, but boy it has just been one thing after the other. When we first met there is a 10 page intake form that you have to fill out about your medical history, your family, your current crisis, life changing moments, on and on and on.

One of the questions was do you have a religious belief system, or something of that nature. I, of course, wrote that I was a Unitarian Universalist and an Atheist. Well, we talked that first day about what was going on and we touched briefly on being UU and and Atheist.

Well, last week she started our conversation with "I have been thinking about how an Atheist can let go." See, she says for her, as a Christian, it is easy to "give it to God", but she knows that isn't an option for me. Instead I have to let go in the purest form - into the unknown.

And I don't know about you, but giving into the abyss that is all that we don't know is one scary thing.

The conversation went on and I came back to my issues with control (working on that) and I said perhaps part of why I am an Atheist is because I can't give up the control - even to God.

So, am I an Atheist by choice, upbringing (dad was an Atheist), personality, or default? Goodness I would hate to think I fell into it because I am just a control freak.